WAW/MLC/Runner

[cat04]

I am a tad confused on reading some other people's stories. They want their WAS to come back and work on things and to live under the same roof. Isn't that what I should do? I know I am trying to find myself but I also want to save my my marriage. Shouldn't I be doing this work under the "marital home"?

I am one person with a live in.

Having a MLC spouse home is difficult to say the least. And not always the best option for either party involved.

I am still a bit confused as to who is having the crisis here, you or your H. Or both.

Not that it really matters actually.

For you, you might not be able to regain yourself if you are living in the home.

Personally, I think that your first step is to work on yourself and worry about the M later. If you D and reconcile or if you don’t D and reconcile, you have still reconciled and honestly, that can’t happen until you have both made some changes.

What is killing me the most right now is being dark when I feel I shouldn’t be.

Why are you dark?

I would actually like to understand this one…

Because if you are the one in crisis, and you are waking up, and you are making changes in your life and really are ending this with the OM, and you do want your H back, he has to know.

He is not a mind reader and if you haven't told him, then really, I can’t blame him for continuing to move forward as if you are getting D’d, because that is probably still what he thinks you want. It may also be what he wants at this point.

I am not saying that that can’t change because he can, but I see you worrying about some of this stuff but unless I have missed something, which is possible, I don’t see anything that says you have told him you might be thinking differently now…So I see no reason for him to alter his path at all…


Jasmine, one other thing, and not trying to be mean---why the sudden change of heart? Seriously...

[Cadet]

Jasmine

I do agree with CAT. I know that I put the detach link on your thread and if that misled you I apologize. You should tell your H that you have broken things off with the OM and want to work on your M.

You do both need to work on yourselves and you can find some great information here to help you do that.

[Jasmine]

I am still a bit confused as to who is having the crisis here, you or your H. Or both.

As I am doing the work I am thinking we BOTH are having our MLC!

Personally, I think that your first step is to work on yourself and worry about the M later. If you D and reconcile or if you don’t D and reconcile, you have still reconciled and honestly, that can’t happen until you have both made some changes.

I am starting to see this to being the best option as well

Why are you dark?

I am trying to do the work and not drag him into my drama till I have a clear head of what I KNOW what I want. I don't want to play the emotional games of the back and forth and back and forth. I want to sit down with him and honestly be able to communicate with him my wants and needs. He does need to know and I will relay this to him.

Jasmine, one other thing, and not trying to be mean---why the sudden change of heart? Seriously...

Nothing mean taken...an honest question...this hasn't come on suddenly...I wanted to be a cake eater. One fulfills lifelong goals and the other was just helping me to feel better IN THE MOMENT. The honeymoon phase with the OM has long since past and I was able to see his true colors unfortunately at the cost of my M and my H's feelings. BTW, the OM was having a MLC too.

Thank you very much Cat and OldPIlot. Thanks to all of you for giving me the condensed version of goal setting and listing the questions to ask myself. I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with the information in the book.

[cat04]

Thank you very much Cat and OldPIlot. Thanks to all of you for giving me the condensed version of goal setting and listing the questions to ask myself. I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with the information in the book.

Jasmine,

Don’t thank us.

I honestly think a lot of us should thank you.

Most of us have heard about “coming out of the fog” but few of us have gotten this kind of a look inside of it.

So believe me, although I do only speak for myself, I think a lot can be learned from your continued openness.

[Cadet]

Jasmine to expand on the way it works here is we give out advice and the payback is that after you are comfortable then you give us advice. Or someone else who is not even on this forum yet.

And this(payback) is for everyone that is here not just YOU.

[Jasmine]

journaling and info:

“coming out of the fog”

There have been so many "WTF" moments all I can do is laugh till I cry. My lack of judgement and self esteem is more apparent with OM than it was when I left H!

Rico Suave, aka OM, swept me off my feet. Remember, he too is in a MLC. I am 16 years younger. I look just like his STBX. I've done the same FI (financial infidelities) in my marriage that she has done in theirs. He promised me the world. I was the most beautiful person he has ever met/seen. His profession is my "dream" and that's what we had in common. Well, I don't like his profession, it's not what I thought, nor do I like how he conducts his business. He's an opportunist and has co-dependency issues. Great combination he and I!

My attraction to men is the "Alpha Dog" so to speak. Well, the dominating controlling personality is bullshit. I believe when Mr Suave was pursuing me he didn't really see the "real me". The strong minded, independent person (now that I am coming out of the fog) and not the little push over that he "thought" I was.

I got myself into a situation that is not good. He knew I was financially strapped and he "will take care of everything". HA, he has no money. He took care of everything up to a certain point now he's asking me for money. Because of the finances, I am living in his vacation home till I get the $$$ to get the hell out of here and this situation!

Please be careful on cutting your WAS off on finances. We get into a state of mind where our backs are against the wall and will take any sort of help to get out. OM secluded me. I have no cell service where I live, I have to drive 15 mins to get service, there is a land line that I do use and lots of people know where and who I am with. When I would get into my car and leave to make phone calls the "controlling monster" would take a ride into town with me, so no phone calls.

Right now, he helped move me out and decided to put all my stuff into storage for me with his own lock and key. He said he only had one key.

Me getting away from OM is more than just, "I am done with you, we are breaking up." I need help doing this. I have to move two cars out of state, get bolt cutters to cut the lock on storage and pack up a U-haul. I have mentally left him, haven't been having any P contact in over a month plus he is back and forth in two states for work wise. AGAIN, a runner. AGAIN, I am trying to face my fears, get a backbone, not be a runner with OM either.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I consider him a great friend, even after all of the above. No matter the bashing on this that I am sure is due to come my way, this is MY phase and MY steps of getting out of MY fog. I KNOW deep down it's a "sick" friendship. It's the physical breakaway that is going to cure me of this thought process.

[trustingfaith]

Jasmine,

I too want to echo the others and thank you for posting here. It it helpful and eye opening to those of us who are LBSs to hear from someone from the MLC side of things so we can better understand. It seems my H is starting to come out of the fog and I am trying to understand what he might be feeling right now.

It sounds very complicated for you to get untangled from OM - I wish you luck!

[cat04]

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I consider him a great friend, even after all of the above. No matter the bashing on this that I am sure is due to come my way, this is MY phase and MY steps of getting out of MY fog. I KNOW deep down it's a "sick" friendship. It's the physical breakaway that is going to cure me of this thought process.

Don’t worry about what we might WANT to hear.

You know it would be nice for us, LBS, to hear how horrible the OP is. To us, that person is horrible. But something I realized a while back, obviously, at the time anyway, the OW gave/give my H SOMETHING, I can only speculate as to what, that he needed. That is something he will probably always appreciate and will always keep a small “warm spot” for them.

It sounds like you know what his fault’s are. You know why he is not the right person for you to be with. But at the time you welcomed him into your life, he also gave you something good.

That is something we LBS need to learn. To accept. To do our best to understand.

I also am not so sure you sound like a runner this time. You sound like you have really seen what the R is and that it just is not good for you.

I will ask now though…

Even if you are not running from him, are you running TO your H?

Hey, if I’m asking too many questions, don’t be afraid to tell me to shut up LOL!

[Mach1]

Jas....

How has this been different from the way you left your Marriage ?

The way you decided to leave your Marriage ?

I am hoping that you see what others see in you right now..

This courage to want to come back is very admirable. The courage to do the work on you....

I say courage because you have already faced one of the toughest aspects of this.....

Pride....

A lot of MLCers let pride get in the way of their return.

And to let that go is very admirable.

I'm gonna pick your brain, as I see others doing that as well.

If it is too much, then say so.

I want others to see, what others deny. That MLC does exist, and it is a condition that is NOT chosen, but HAS to happen.

Do you feel that this was a choice that you made?

A conscious choice to end your marriage ?

Or was this a burning desire to act on what you felt was missing in your life, and that you felt your spouse was not giving to you?

I have had oppurtunity to speak to several MLCers that have come through the tunnel, and all of their stories, while being different, still have the same aspects to them.....

That they knew what they were doing was wrong , but that they could not change the path they were on.

That this destruction HAD to happen for them to see that what they were missing did not come from the outside. And to look inside of themselves was NOT an option until what they felt was causing their unhappiness was removed from their lives.

Jas....YOU are on a good path right now for you....

And once again, please say if you are overwhelmed.

Have a great Easter...

[Jasmine]

Even if you are not running from him, are you running TO your H?

I AM doing the work first to get back to my H. Right now, I am afraid H will just shine it off as ANOTHER emotional roller coaster ride. I need to show him first by physically leaving OM and I need to tell him by continuing to do the work on myself and prove it to him with what I speak. I have ran from H 5 times and OM 4. Just packed it all up and left. I am the master of running which is quite shameful in itself.

I am stalling big time on my contacts with the mediator and I am thankful that she is the type, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. H could have called her office himself and asked what he needed to know but he didn't. He asked me to. I did, left a message with her and she never got back to me. That's how she is. I know it, but H doesn't.

You are in no way asking too many questions. Your questions really make me look deep at myself and honestly help me to gain my strength and momentum.