How to approach W about OM

[MrBond]

What worked for me was that it was okay for HER to say what was on her mind, and I validated the FEELINGS. However when she crossed the line and started saying the things that weren't true, I just held up my finger and said very calmly that I wasn't going to listen to anything any more that was not true and walked away.

Oh she got mad and pissy at first, but after awhile, she realized that she was getting mad at an empty room. Don't justify why what she's saying isn't true, that will feed her drama button.

Be assertive and firm but not angry. I notice from the guys when they do that, they're wives don't become as hostile any more.

[OfficerInNeed]

I can honestly say my W has not been as nasty toward me as she once was. I don't know if it is due to my DB approach or she has just given up and does not care anymore. I hope its not the latter.


I only try to initiate positive interaction. Lately she has been giving me the shoulder shrug and the short snippy responses as if I said something wrong or she can careless.

But then there are the times where she, out of courtesy, asks if I want something (such as food).

Like I said I am not sure if she has given up on me entirely and just counting down the days ir if there is still hope

[MrBond]

There's always hope. Just be wary of the mood swings. That was the hardest part of me to deal with. It was like living with Dr. Jekyl. I never knew what would set her off. The walking on eggshells was tough until I realized that I didn't have to walk on them any longer.

Her care less attitude is exactly that. She could care less. She doesn't want to deal with drama, yet doesn't want to admit that she's the one causing it. Carry on with YOUR life. How you do that is going to depend on your sitch. Finding that neutral area where you don't get affect by her and yet she doesn't get upset with you is where you need to get to first.

[OfficerInNeed]

Mr Bond if you don't mind me asking...we're you able to reconcile your sitch?

I am not sure if you have been reading along but giving my situation do you have any tips or thread recommendations that I can benefit from?

[Allen A]

I will give you one tip OIN. Your wife feeds off your hope. If you feel hopeless she has nothing to live off of.

You need to project hope when around her. I know you likely do. I just thought I would mention it.

I honestly do think you are doing well OIN. If you compare your wife now from a long time ago when she was at her worst I think you will see considerable progress. And yes you can give yourself credit for that.

[OfficerInNeed]

Thanks for the encouragement. Yes my W, at least around me, has toned down. I cant speak the same about how she projects me to others. I learned not to say the things that would cause her to lash out at me. I admit sometimes I still find myself saying something that causes to tell me she is leaving. If I ask her to stay, she tells me she is leaving. So I try not to say things that would suggest I think there is a future between us. I just take it one day at a time.

The past week it seems like she is becoming more detached. As I said in a previous post in is like she just does not care for my efforts anymore, that in her heart and mind she is gone but physically she remains.

Also I want to add, I will do my best to not seem hopeless. I know I need to project a more positive person and bring myself to a better place mentally. It is tough but I am working toward that point.

[MrBond]

OIN,

I haven't been able to bust my D...yet. I've been at this for 2 years and the drama so far could be turned into a made for tv movie (the OM actually came to my workplace to have me fired).

What I can say is that I've seen it all from the mood swings, to the "forgetful" memories, to the evil OM, to the IL who encourage my W. It's all been an uphill battle.

I can honestly say that things are wayyyy better than they were a year ago. Where she used to not speak at all to me, we're actually having nice conversations. Where she didn't want to "accidentally" bump into me, I can now hold he without her flinching.

In my W's case, she's prone to depression and it was compounded by three major triggers that set off her MLC.

I definitely don't think I'm done, but it's taken alot of understanding and patience. It all comes down to you and if you want to save your M or not.

You'll find strengths you never believed you had.

[OfficerInNeed]

Something unexpected happened today....

Every 4 months my W schedule changes where she has to bid on a new shift. This time around she bid to have mon-tues off. These are same days off as OM.

My W and I were sitting there and OMW called. I put her on speaker OMW said OM is beside her. OM got a call that my W took same days off as him. OM told his wife and now she us fuming. OMW proceeds to call my W crazy, a stalker and made some threats. OM got on the line and said it has to stop it is getting way out of control and he will quit his job if he had to.

After the call my W became angry and started to say things like "I can't take off the days I want?" "Its like their trying to control my life" then looks at me and says "you controlled my life for 10 years and now they want to do the same"

She then wanted to chck my phone logs. So we sat there for nearly an hour going through the logs comparing numbers. She started to say there were numbers there b4 that r not now. She continues on about OMW and starts to attack me. I become victim for something I did not do.

I told her "I would not lie to her, this has got out of hand, she called me and it was unexpected" I did say and should not had "I understand why you r upset and this is not my doing. I can't unbderstand why I am to blame"

When I told her some of the long calls were to counselors ect she said it does not matter....I thought if it did not matter then y r we going through this.

I told her I had some errand to run and needed some time to think then I left....

It would seems she does not care nor wants to hear about all the help I received to become a better person.

What's my next move? Should I lay low and stay quit or do I carry on like I was with a smile like this never happened. I admit I am upset. I have been submissive and walked on eggshells for a long time now and I am at fault even when I am not at fault.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

OIN, I hate to say it, but I'm beginning to think your wife has mental health issues. Her behavior toward OM is starting to get very close to the "boiling-the-bunnies" stage.

I think she needs some professional help, beyond what we can give here.

Puppy

[MrBond]

I agree with PDT. Or your W was embarassed at being confronted that way and tried to switch the blame to you.

You shouldn't have taken the time to go through the records with her or validating anything. Best thing would be to have just said "if that's what you believe" after her accusing you of being "controlling" and then left.

The OM could have been lying to his W because he got caught and wants to convince people your W is crazy. The OM in my sitch did the same thing and then I turned it around on him.

Whatever you do, don't engage to be pulled into another confrontation.