Suggested Books

[june72]

From Vineland in the MLC archives:

I highly recommend that if you can get the book from Peter O'Connor, Understanding the Mid-Life Crisis, that you get it and read it. It gives you a much deeper understanding of what they are going through.

There is also a part in there that give a deeper understanding of what a woman goes through when she goes into it. I can tell you this, it totally explained everything that I was feeling and exactly what I was going through when I was in mine.

You may think that people understand what they are going through as they are going through it, but they do not. You have no clue as to what you are dealing with or why you are having the feelings that you are having. After reading this book, I understand everything that I was going through. It helped me to realize that it was a normal process that everyone goes through. It cleared things up that for a very long time I didn't understand and felt guilty for. When you understand exactly what it is that you are going through and you realize that it is a part of life, you do not feel so guilty.

Yes, you feel guilty for some of the decisions that you made, but you do not feel guilty for going through something that is a very normal part of life. You do realize that there are others out there that are going through the same thing and you find comfort in that.

Please take the time to find the book and read the information that is in there. It will give you a better understanding of what the other person is going through.

Laurie

[june72]

From Snodderly:

Also, I just finished reading a book entitled "The Wisdom of Menopause--Creating Physical and Emotional Health and Healing During the Change", written by Christiane Northrup, M.D. This is an excellent book for both women and men to read. Dr. Northrup described her changes, not only w/her body but her emotional well being as well. I think it's a book that will give you some insight as to what your mlcer may be thinking along the lines of the emotional health. I spotted a number of "emotional" issues that surfaced in my little squirrel way back when. I rated this book a A+++.

Men, don't be shy about reading this book. It may help you better understand what your spouses are going through, especially if they are of the age where menopause may be beginning for them.

[june72]

From Vinlad:

It is called Wild at Heart Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul. This is about a man's spiritual journey, but it is so informative for women as well. It also helps you to understand the spiritual side of the journey of MLC that we all go through. I highly recommend this book for anyone to read.

From HappyCanuck:

One book that I found very beneficial for my own journey of self-discovery and spiritual growth is "The Art of Happiness" by the Dalai Lama. It isn't a religious book as such (in that it doesn't get into doctrine and practice), it deals more with the state of happiness and how to find it inside yourself and around you. It has been a good friend to me at times during my ongoing crisis.

RedRobin:

It's "When Good Men Behave Badly" by David Wexler. I highly recommend it for all of us wives who wonder how we became the enemy. For men (whether in MLC or not), there's some good tips for understanding your own feelings and
behaviors.

Very simply written with examples taken from popular movies and books, it's easy to follow the Wexler's theory. Much of the book could apply to women too, although the forces at work on our self-esteem are somewhat different.
There are tips for using Wexler's theories to work out
relationship problems and tips for helping your man or boy(s) to be the good guys you know they can be.

I felt better after reading this, like I'd finally gotten a handle on the "why" of my marital breakup after three years of abandonment and very little contact from walkaway H.
Vee - I hope you, in particular, will read this.

From Kazzieb:
Bump and to add a fantastic book that has really helped me to no end:
The Tender Heart...conquering your insecurity...by Joseph Nowinski, Ph.D
ISBN 0-684-87167-X

[june72]

From Snodderly:
For all of you who are reading this thread, I strongly urge you to purchase the book entitled "THE SCRIPT--The 100% Absolutely Predictable Things Men Do When They Cheat".

I just finished reading this book and 99% of the predictable behaviors that we have discussed on this forum are in this small, compact book. It's a shame that this book wasn't around 6+ years ago, it would have been an eye opener to many of us who are now divorced and for those who are still struggling w/the mlcers.

Here are just a few words from the very last page that are very interesting... "That is why the sad, amazing, and absurd last line of the Script is, This Is Not the Way I Planned it." This particular line has spewed forth more times than not from the walk away spouse because once the fantasy is over, or you stand up for yourself, they realize too late that the grass really isn't greener over on the other side.

The book is written by two women who were divorced a long time ago and have listened to other men who have cheated on their wives. Their names are Elzabeth Landers and Vicky Mainzer. In fact, this book was just mentioned on Tuesday on the Oprah show when she was interviewing 7 men who had cheated on their wives.

Please, read this book. It will help you w/all of the one liners that your mlcers are spouting, their behaviors, the other women and yes, their promises of taking care of you when they walk out the door. I promise you, you won't be disappointed that you took the time to get this book and read it

[BobbiJo]

A book that I called "life changing" when I read it, is "Boundaries In Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend.

Even though I read this after my husband had already had an affair and moved out, it was still amazing. Reading how things ought to be in a marriage helped me identify and own the places where I needed to grow as a wife, where I had come up short. Not that this excused my husband's actions, but it helped me identify my part in the problems of our marriage. And if/when I ever decide I want to be married again, I will reread it to remind myself how to do things better/differently...

It also helped me see from an outside/impartial perspective how the things my husband had done/was still doing were not acceptable. That I had a right to expect/want more and better things. Hard to explain but it was an amazing book and I will apply its principles in a ny relationship I have from here on out...

My other, lighter favorite was a tag team combo of "He's Just Not That Into You" and "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken". Both written by Behrent. The first I read while we were separated and H was claiming that he was "trying to figure out how to fix things" and "wanted to reconcile but didn't know how".... It helped me to see that his actions were not those of a man who was "into" me and wanted me in his life.

The second I read while we were actually going through the divorce process and I was having a mental battle, not wanting to actually get divorced but knowing I didn't really have the choice anymore. It helps to identify what is wrong in the relationship and why we shouldn't go running back and trying to hold onto something unhealthy for us!

[june72]

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[june72]

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[DiamondGirl]

Here's my contribution to the list:

Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When the Stakes are High
by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler

Very helpful in reading the person you are talking to's signs of discomfort etc when talking whether it be personal or business related. Lots of good info in it IMHO

[Kalni]

How to improve your M without talking about it by Stosny and Love, a great book together with Passionate Marriage (which in my head has little to do with sex, it discuss sex as an "extension" of deepr issues, gives a GREAT explanation of detachement and healthy attachement IMO) probably the BEST books I have read.
K

[Ken62]

My WAW is currently reading "Listening to Midlife - Turning Your Crisis into a Quest" by Mark Gerzon.

Has anyone read this book or know anything about it and how it would be perceived by a WAS/MLC?

Thanks,

Ken