Also to continue on this also from my own thread...
Several of us, myself included, are moving through this journey and have encountered what I believe is a major sign post.
An essential step.
An understanding.
An awakening of sorts.
I am referring to that moment when one reconciles the dilemna of STANDING.
I have written already about the fact that as we begin this journey we decide to STAND.
We STAND because of what I will call BASE factors
We want our M back
We want our spouse to want us back
We want our spouse to see us as the more desirable option
We want to ease our own pain
We want our own self esteem back
We (may) want to punish spouse by appearing to be morally superior
We want ________ because we get _________ in return.
We STAND on these principles.
We communicate these principles and inevitably we meet with question and resistance.
From family, friends and
from ourselves.
Because it is hard for most people to imagine themselves making this decision.
It is a sacrifice of sorts at this stage.
We are looked on as victims of bad behavior, incongruent behavior to REAL LOVE.
So in that light we begin to feel like victims or that we are being taken advantage of in a sense and are perceived as such by the world. A DOORMAT if you will.
As time goes on and those who care about us begin to be more concerned about our mental and emotional health and question more emphatically why we choose to be a DOORMAT.
Or how long will you be a DOORMAT.
Then you begin to doubt yourself and your decision and the focus goes back to your beloved and now you look on them not with eyes of a scourned lover, a left behind, abandoned spouse, but with real scrutiny.
We begin to question why we would SACRIFICE our own happiness and endure such hardship to regain the love of a person who so obviously is not capable of the same for us or even anyone else.
It is then that the MIRACLE happens.
Through all the pain and seemingly fallow soil a sprout
of green punches through...
This growth is something new and it
is OURS, we planted it, we sowed it
For it is certain our seed was trampled upon many times before
it took root.
But it did take root and
it grows, upwardly reaching, toward the light.
The miracle is the love for yourself.
You are no longer the choices your spouse makes
You are no longer whether your M reconciles or not
You are no longer the failures you see in yourself
You are no longer a victim because only YOU can choose to be one.
Then you a FREE
Free to make the choice to STAND for YOURSELF.
This I believe can only be achieved through the decision to STAND in the first place.
Only through that decision can we experience the pain involved to know completely what it means to be free.
What it means to love.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Truegritter, you are very new to this, I understand you wanting to stand and you should. I started this thread for opinions on how long is too long. There are people on here who have stood for 4 years and longer and no progress has been made. Not only do I think that is too long, standing at this point is futile. People at this stage are in total denial.
Didn't mean to overstep my boundaries. Sorry if you saw it that way. I was reading through this(again) and see it as great resource for me and anyone at ANY stage in this process. I was just offering my opinion.
The decision to stand IMO should be ever evolving and should be part of the growth process of the LBS. That is why I shared the above which is MY experience. It is fresh for me as you have pointed out I am relatively speaking new here.
It is, in the end up to the LBS to reconcile this dilemna which was the reason I posted this. I struggled with this and maybe some who stand longer never transition to working through their own thoughts on this.
Again apologies to you if this was outside the purview of your subject and if indeed it was off point.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
"Truegritter, you are very new to this, I understand you wanting to stand and you should. I started this thread for opinions on how long is too long. There are people on here who have stood for 4 years and longer and no progress has been made. Not only do I think that is too long, standing at this point is futile. People at this stage are in total denial."
This experience of dealing with a wife in MLC is still very new to me. I struggle somewhat with the question of 'how long is too long?' Aside from a group dinner a year ago where they sat across from each other but did not speak, my wife and her EA partner live 12,000 miles away from each other and have not seen or been anywhere near each other for over 22 years! Yet, through internet and phone communications only, they have managed to convince each other that they are 'soul mates' - never mind reality, the fact we're still married, kids, his broken family, my severely bent but not yet broken family, and the list goes on...
What I struggle with and ask myself often is: If these two 'aliens' manged to convince themselves they've been waiting for each other for 22+ years, that their true love has endured for alllllllll this time based on pure, irrational fantasy, to me, it makes it much more difficult to convince myself that I should ever put a timeline on how I long I should stand for my wife. Never mind her irrational fantasy. Right now my wife still seems convinced. That alone tells me I should refrain from giving her ultimatums, deadlines, etc... She's not thinking in a straight line. She's thinking in circles, a continous loop. I guess that's something akin to what's called 'replay' here. I love my wife, and we have 2 children to raise. I guess I just have to jump in the rabbit hole with her, and hope I can pull her out before she gets permanently lost, or I lose myself in the process. Can't put a timeline on that I suppose...
We aren't supposed to listen to friends and family when they tell us to move on after a few months, but we are supposed to move on after 4 years?
Why is one time scale better than the other?
As long as you as a person grow, this trip is a good one, is an LBS in denial if there are still standing after 6 years? or 2 years? Only if the LBS is stuck in the same person they were when they first got here.
"Why me? Poor me, there is nothing wrong with me!"
That LBSer is in denail...and even then I wouldn't want them moving on, because they'll likely be back here in another realtionship...well not here...because coming here didn't help them. : )
Quote:
I guess I just have to jump in the rabbit hole with her, and hope I can pull her out before she gets permanently lost
You guess wrong and you hope wrong partner.
You can do Jack and Shite for them and I just left town, DO for YOU.
You CANNOT FIX her. You CANNOT SAVE her.
You can be there when this is over for her.
Her MLC ANY MLC is a timeline that is NOT set in stone, so to say 6 month 2 years 13 days or 8 years is arbitrary and wrong. A timeline is a great way to FAIL.
You give yourself as much time as you possibly can to standing, but NO ONE except yourself should tell you how long is too long. No one is an expert, and YOU have to live with YOUR choices, no one here.
Last edited by Jack_Three_Beans; 06/14/1007:03 PM.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Jack, you are right in the sense that people must make their own decisions in life. If one chooses to stand on their head and gargle peanut butter the rest of their life, that is a choice. Is it right? I suppose its relative like anything else. If someone wishes to stand forever, that is a choice, not a good one IMO, but everyone must do what they think is best. I am merely trying to point out that after a period of time, people should know if someone wants them back or not, after that has been realized, its time to move on, they are causing more harm than good. When someone stands for years with no progress, its time to move on, people can say what they want, but its not going to work out.
Interesting discussion. In my opinion there is no right or wrong, everyone is different. But same as the MLC's can get stuck, so can the LBS. If you are growing and living a full life while you are standing then who is to say it's wrong. If you are standing in one spot and suffering and hoping in the process...that can't be healthy.
I'm 52, that in it's self is going to make a difference in my case, I don't have the time to wait for 8 years for something that may or may not happen.
I'm going to live my life and let things happen as they happen. You can't live in the past and you don't know what the future holds, you can only live in the present. I'm standing now and that's all I know.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Mila! I agree. It is up to the individual! I am new at this and I am standing right now...don't know where I will be in 6mos let alone a year...thankgoodness that there are no set rules to this...
Mila, 52 or 32...it doesn't matter...it is what you feel comfortable with and as long as a LBS is happy, productive and whole while they are standing then there is definitely no age or time limit to abide by....
Luckliy, we realize that it is all up to us, what we can handle, what we need and what we want...WE are in control!!!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
I'm going to live my life and let things happen as they happen. You can't live in the past and you don't know what the future holds, you can only live in the present.
You know, it occurs to me that this is how we should be living regardless of our marital status. You only really have to deal with today.
