Thank you all for the comments. It's encouraging to read so many of you saying that these are signs that things are moving in the right direction. I need that reassurance sometimes because I can only see the sht coming at me from where I stand.
Yes, it was my W's sister who wrote the email but it has my W's words and justifications all over it. "You pushed my sister into doing this", "You're involving us just to humiliate her", "You should have talked to her first before involving anyone from the family" etc.
I replied with Puppy's text and one more line about the "talking to her" part. I said I tried really hard to talk to her and suggested going to therapy, etc (1 month ago) but she wouldn't agree. Instead she got involved with someone else. I went to our place on Saturday and she wasn't there. What else am I supposed to do?
Finally, I said that if my W wanted to say anything, she can contact me directly and stop sending messages through her. I won't read/reply to any of her emails anymore.
Separated: March 1 * Affair discovered: 20-March * Exposed: 27 March * Def. separation: May 1st *
No, I haven't even tried getting those things. There's nothing that I urgently need from there and most are replaceable (should my W turns her wrath to them). Also, I'm saving up that card for later. Showing up unannounced.
Have to say, It's rather strange she hasn't called to say "come and get your sh*t".
Last edited by Formelyknowas; 04/01/1004:14 PM.
Separated: March 1 * Affair discovered: 20-March * Exposed: 27 March * Def. separation: May 1st *
I like your list. It does make sense. However, how do you do that when you are sick to your stomach? I am hyper nervous now, gut wrenched. My wife dropped the bomb last Sunday. After 8 years of marriage, of which ~7 were troubled by lack of sexual desire by her. We also argued a lot over small petty things. We did many things to overcome it. Classical marriage counseling, work on our own individual problems (both have depression issues). Now I finally think we are ready as individual to really build a much better relationship. But my wife has had enough, always having the feeling it was her fault not to feel sexual attraction anymore, always feeling bad about the relationship. When she dropped the bomb she simply said that she never felt the sexual attraction ever since we married, never felt the spark anymore, thinks I am boring and the relationship is boring. She loves me as a friend and thinks I am a great father but is sick and tired of having the feeling something is not good an has to change.
I do understand it, because I am a pretty dominant dude, always ready with my opinion. I really started to understand it better about a month ago and started working through DB. But I guess I did not shut up in time because the bomb dropped. Now she said that she does not see any hope or any way out, but is willing to give me my time because I said it is worth to save it and I said that I might have another way. I told her that I understand now what kind of pressure I have been putting on her all these years. So here we are, a couple of days later and I feel her tension. She even told me she was still lying awake not understanding that we talked last Sunday but we still act together as if nothing happened. Yes,we are still in our daily routine of working and taking care of the kids. We even still have fun together with our kids and still joke with each other (we really like each others sense of humor) so these good things are still the same. But she does not seem to notice (yet) that I do not come home grumpy anymore or complain or comment. But if she still feels tension because she is waiting to get out I am afraid it will not help.
We have also been setting up some dates because I had the idea that the last couple of years we did not have much fun because of our busy lives with two small kids (5 and 2) and both with demanding jobs. The first date we had was nice, but I had to ask of course if she liked it in my insecure way......WRONG (your rule #7)!! I know now. Next time I will just go and focus on enjoying the activity myself in stead of focusing on her. But I guess I am breaking rule #9 eh? I really think we can have a good time as long as I stop being needy for reassurances. Also she already agreed on some dates, should I cancel them?
She is telling you that she isn't attracted to you and thinks she may want out.
You are telling her what YOU want. How YOU have the answer to save it..
The problem with that approach is that she still feels you are being selfish.. It is all about YOU.. You are basically saying to her..."I don't care what you want, give me what I want. I want to work on this, the hell with you and what you feel. Give me what I want. Give me give me give me"
That is why the harder you try to do this with your approach the more you will learn that approach doesn't work. It doesn't get her to love you back. All it does is confirm her position in her own mind. She just goes through the motions. She is thinking.."give me what I WANT"
She seems to want out. Are you willing to give her that?
