if we're talking about an actual physiological change in the body, why does it matter what "state" the WAS is in? If you kill the attraction with your spouse to the point where they are no longer attracted to you and someone else comes along and flips those attraction switches, you're as much to blame on the situation as the "love chemicals", don't expect those marriage vows to keep her in line.
I'm not sure about you, but his is not my experience. I do agree that maintaining yourself is important and respectful to your marriage. But there is more to love and marriage than just chemical attraction, my friend. If it was as simple as flipping a switch to be with someone, would your respect and trust them enough to marry them?
Stay positive.
Alot of what I've learned is from people who believe just that, they can't trust someone enough to marry them. Cheating, infidelity, affairs: physical & emotional, etc. etc. etc. are happening and not just happening, they are the rule not the exception. Long marriages are the exception not the rule. Take a peek at the forums, this is just a taste of what's happening out there. What you call love are in actuality, those "love chemicals", I'm not saying you can't forge a strong bond, an incredible friendship, etc. But how many people are doing that nowadays? How many people are falling into the trap of working more at work, and working less on making a relationship great at home? So what starts out beautiful and great eventually decays into something ugly and dysfunctional with both partners wanting more but not willing to invest in more, both believe that the other partner should be doing more. So what happens when you get attention from an attractive person that you haven't rec'd in a long time from your own spouse? You start to remember how good it felt to be wanted, to be sought after, to be appreciated, to receive affection - those are some pretty powerful motivators for people to look outside their marriage to fulfill those needs/wants.
All I'm saying is observe reality, reality doesn't lie regardless of how distasteful the truth might be, it's still the truth.
If you believe that two people will be held together just because of a marriage certificate and vows exchanged during the wedding ceremony, you are wrong - the fact that this site exists proves this point.
waiting for what? her to come running back to you with open arms and kisses?
you think too much. more action less tought.
ever notice its always the dumb guys with all the girls. the $hit talkers. while guys talking about ecology and bird sex sit home on a thrusday night drinking hand crafted amber lagers and reading wallace stevens.
[quote=robx] But there is more to love and marriage than just chemical attraction, my friend. If it was as simple as flipping a switch to be with someone, would your respect and trust them enough to marry them?
How do you think you got involved with your spouse? Is attraction a conscious decision? You can't choose what you're attracted. You can have several women in front of you, all different but physically attractive in their own way but you will only be physically attracted to few of them - not all of them, your brain tells you what it likes and you follow, not the other way around.
There are several switches that get flipped, not just one but the simple fact is, you don't get to choose who you're attracted to, it happens. Some can choose to resist those urges and other will choose to NOT resist those urges.
waiting for what? her to come running back to you with open arms and kisses?
you think too much. more action less tought.
ever notice its always the dumb guys with all the girls. the $hit talkers. while guys talking about ecology and bird sex sit home on a thrusday night drinking hand crafted amber lagers and reading wallace stevens.
be a dummy. lol
If they're the ones with all the girls, why are they the "dumb" ones ;-)
- or could it be because they're just too oblivious to care if these girls stay with them or not and for some reason the women dig that attitude?
well to be more accurate, it's the part of your brain that is occupied with thoughts of sex, you know for the average male, that would be something like 99% of the brain LOL!
I agree that working too much was a big factor for bringing the relationship to this. Also intimacy problems.
I do have to say, I was upfront with my W about this. She had been unemployed for 1 year. I told her, listen, things are going to be crazy at work and I need to do this if we want to stay in this country. She was terrified of going back. She said she'd understand and support this.
And about the attraction. Of course, that's a big thing. But works both ways don't you think? She made an effort to look better only when she went on holiday visiting family and old friends. OF COURSE It worked. She looked great but she hardly ever made that effort for the past 12 months for me. She wouldn't even wax her legs.
Like I was saying to Gnosis the other day. My case is chain reaction with all the wrong elements combined. It's like one of those big train crashes documentaries. I can now see how exactly how it happened and how so many things contributed to make this the "perfect" mess.
The working hours, the marriage problems, the Law of Attraction telling my wife "if it makes you feel happy, do it", the OM being her teenage years fantasy, my W's adulterous BF coaching my wife and of course me who hasn't worked in the relationship as hard as he should have.
Still, before we separated I asked her directly if she wanted us to see other people, she said NO. Tears in her eyes. NO. Ok? And she not only did that the minute I left, she chose a married man with two children. That's a decision I didn't make. I assume my responsibility for everything else, not for this. That's entirely hers.
And that's why RIGHT NOW, I feel so angry. Because I realize now, how calculating she's been in the past month. This is not a dumb teenager in love, this is a woman who took advantage of every effort I made in the past 2 months. No consideration whatsoever. She has been infinitely selfish.
Last edited by Formelyknowas; 04/02/1005:09 AM.
Separated: March 1 * Affair discovered: 20-March * Exposed: 27 March * Def. separation: May 1st *
if we're talking about an actual physiological change in the body, why does it matter what "state" the WAS is in? If you kill the attraction with your spouse to the point where they are no longer attracted to you and someone else comes along and flips those attraction switches, you're as much to blame on the situation as the "love chemicals", don't expect those marriage vows to keep her in line. If the number of threads on these forums with WAW's is any indication, those words have little value and staying power.
Um, isn't that kind of where self-restraint, and commitment come in Rob?
Sorry, I call "bullchit" on this one. Being all hopped up on their affair PEAs doesn't excuse the WAS from their behavior, and I'm almost certain that's not what you're trying to say anyway.
Yes, a betrayed spouse is going to have to address their own issues that may have led to killed attraction between them and their wayward spouse. But the actively cheating spouse isn't going to respond to them while they're still having their affair.
And that's why RIGHT NOW, I feel so angry. Because I realize now, how calculating she's been in the past month. This is not a dumb teenager in love, this is a woman who took advantage of every effort I made in the past 2 months. No consideration whatsoever. She has been infinitely selfish.
This is where I was trying to get you to go the other day, F -- to tap into a little of this righteous indignation.
Yes, you have to BALANCE that with compassion and -- when it's time -- forgiveness (the "loving" half of the "loving detachment" MWD teaches us to strive for), but what I was hearing from you in that "I feel so sorry for her" b.s. was whole-hog in the other direction.
