WAW/MLC/Runner

[Jasmine]

How has this been different from the way you left your Marriage ?
I ran from H 5 times and OM 4 times. This time I actually am preparing myself for communication with OM.

The way you decided to leave your Marriage ?

communication

Do you feel that this was a choice that you made?

A conscious choice to end your marriage ?

Or was this a burning desire to act on what you felt was missing in your life, and that you felt your spouse was not giving to you?

Those questions run into one another. It was a choice I made, SEVERAL years ago to leave my marriage. I had told my H things were not working and that we needed some help. He didn't hear it or wanted to. I tried to express to my H that I wanted a career and wanted to go back to school but travels wouldn't allow it. So, the next step, put up the walls of not working on the marriage, to just exist, and start to get things rolling on my end on what I needed done. I needed to put away money for my move. I needed to finish up business obligations. At this point in my life, OM was a friend. My EA started in 2007.

During this point, we are living in a 2 bedroom apartment above my IL. My H's job sites were close to home so I became a prisoner. EVERYONE knew where I was or what I was doing and would report back to H not on purpose just general conversation. IL, the construction crew, the neighbors, etc. I needed something for myself. It was MY turn to pursue my career, my schooling, my interests but I had surrendered so much control to H that by then it was too late. I became insecure and mousy. H was used to making all the decisions and when I finally made a decision it was too late, he already decided for himself what we were doing or what I was doing. Because he was the money maker, I allowed that control.

I have had oppurtunity to speak to several MLCers that have come through the tunnel, and all of their stories, while being different, still have the same aspects to them.....

That they knew what they were doing was wrong , but that they could not change the path they were on.

That this destruction HAD to happen for them to see that what they were missing did not come from the outside. And to look inside of themselves was NOT an option until what they felt was causing their unhappiness was removed from their lives.

I did not know that what I was doing was wrong till the day I left. By then, I was literally psycho woman and no one could talk me out of anything. I had the right brain left brain fighting me. YES, wholeheartedly agree this HAD to happen for me to take a good look at myself. H said the same thing. That this had to happen for him to see what he was doing to me and how selfish he had been behaving. I truly believe he is changing as well.

Jas....YOU are on a good path right now for you....

THANK YOU! I feel good but depression is now starting to get the best of me. I am doing my damnedest to fight it.

And once again, please say if you are overwhelmed.

Not overwhelmed. You ask me deep questions that energize me, give me strength and motivation

Have a great Easter...

Thank you. You too

[Jasmine]

Trustingfaith,
Thank you! I am so glad your H is coming out of the fog. It's a wake up call of emotional drainage. Lot's of ups and downs. Lot's of "aha moments". Lot's of WTF moments. And because of all of this, I know I have mentally left OM, I run to his arms for hugs and just bawl my eyes out. He thinks it's because of me leaving H and M but it's just because I need someone to just put their arms around me and say I am going to be ok. Right now, I really wish it was my H. But I have to earn those arms that are a state away.

[crushednstuck]

Fantastic insight. I cheated with my triathlon bike after giving up on my W doing anything other than shopping. She found it relaxing, I found it a waste. I enjoyed the reward of fitness while she withdrew. I attempted patience, empathy, encouragement to no avail. Even now I added her to my gym membership in January - no visits for her since. She complains about her weight, but does nothing about it. She is living apart still with OM yet invites me to activities with kids when she has them.
I feel closest to her when doing things together, yet she always had an excuse - until now. Is she reaching out after me pulling away. Confusions sets in yet I'm tempted to be active with the kids; and her.

[Lostforwords]

I need someone to just put their arms around me and say I am going to be ok

Jasmine....This statement is what worries me about YOU. I would love to see a Jasmine who doesn't need somebody for support.....but instead some one who is a strong cog in a two person relationship.

I don't feel you are ready for that though....You know what you want, but need support to stand.

Learn to stand on your own and the rest will fall into place.

[cat04]

Learn to stand on your own and the rest will fall into place.

Wow Lost, how true…

Jas,

Lost is totally right about that. Learning to stand on your own, is what this is all about.

You are taking steps it sounds like and we all know here that it is a process, not something that happens over night.

Don’t be scared of it. You are changing, waking up…

Right now you are looking in one direction as a goal…

It is possible that that goal may change as well, or maybe just what the goal looks like to you…

You are strong enough to do it, and even though they are only virtual hugs, you will get many of them around here

[Jasmine]

Fantastic insight. I cheated with my triathlon bike after giving up on my W doing anything other than shopping. She found it relaxing, I found it a waste. I enjoyed the reward of fitness while she withdrew.

You found your triathlon bike relaxing and she found it a bore. It's a two way street. Fitness forced on a person that "knows" they are a fatty just makes the problem worse unfortunately. I really hope you both find your ways back to one another. What I am feeling and going through is utter pain that I know I need to feel it.

[Jasmine]

WOW! Lost, what an amazing point you just made to me. Cat, thank you for the extras. You both put so much into perspective.

I am SCARED to live alone. I have NEVER lived alone but I know I need to and I know I WANT to heal myself.

Easter Sunday is a tough day for me, our first "date" was on Easter 20 years ago. I text H: "Hi. I am just thinking of you and dog on this day. Hope you both are well." Yeah, I heard nothing back since and I expected that.

Tomorrow is my first apt with IC. Depression is coming on hard and strong. I am really trying to diffuse it the best I can. I am going to bring in the DR book and show her what I am working on.

BTW, I am working on detachment. It works with OM.

[Goodfight]

Jas,

I know how you feel about being/living on your own. It's not me that is going through a MLC it is my H. When he left 17 months ago today I started suffering from depression also because I was never on my own. I was scared also and still to this day I am.

Well, at least that is part of my problem. I want H back and our M and family back as a whole but the people on here are so right. We need to heal ourselves first then hopefully our S will return.

Yes, we are in the opposite position but I do know how you feel as far as being depressed, learning how to live alone, and working on detachment.

[Jasmine]

Goodfight, Thank you. It's so hard to think of living alone but it's going to be the best therapy for me and I know it, actually I am looking forward to it. I wish you luck in all of this. I am sorry for your H and all the hurt he has caused you. I know I am sorry for all the hurt I have caused my H.

Journaling:
I am at a point right now where I don't really KNOW if I want my marriage to work. I am now waking up in the middle of the night with conversations playing over and over that were not nice conversations with H. I know our previous R/M is dead and we will have to start over but the "old" keeps coming up. I am working on the detachment from OM and it's getting easier and easier. WTF was I thinking?

I made contact with H via email and he replied back saying he is confused with all the roller coaster of emotions I continue to display. SHIAT! I didn't want him to feel that. I just wanted to extend a nice gesture of Easter Wishes. I became angry/hurt that he didn't respond. Then I fired back with an emotional email that triggered him. The last thing I wanted was to draw him back into "my drama". He has kept on pushing for the divorce and why hasn't the mediator gotten back to us with the typed up judgment. I got scared that he had moved on and GAL. I am not ready for him to move on to another life. I want him to work on our M but I can't get "us" to that point till I have physically left OM. That time is getting closer and closer.

I know, I know....we need to work on ourselves first. I want us to get to that point to open up the communication with him for him to work on himself and me to work on myself.

First meeting with therapist went well. She won't put me on meds yet. I am tempted to just go to ER for an induced coma of morphine for a few days of rest and turn off the brain just for a few hours!

[Goodfight]

Jas,

Do you mind if I ask you a few questions? If so you don't need to answer.

Just trying to see how my H feels or what he is going through.

Did you still miss and love your H while you were going through your MLC? Did you ever think about going back but were afraid to?
Did you contact your H often? Did you want your H to contact you?
Did you just want to be left alone by him?

My H doesn't have OW, but I know I need to be prepared (even though I'm not) because people on this board tell me it is likely to happen.

If you get a chance could you hop over to my thread?

Thanks