I guess this is where finding someone with shared values comes in. I travel alot for business and own my own company. That was definately a factor in my D. Learning to balance home and business life is a challenge these days, especially these days.
Travelling presents itself with alot of opportunities, for sure but I always made a conscious effort to stay faithful. My job requires me to stay in good shape and look good...and i do. I can remember several times my xw's friends throwing their unhappy selves at me, but I chose my wife always.
In the end, it turned out that she did not have the same strength and personal life issues got the better of her. She just didnt have the strength to work through the hard times and ended up commiting a crime and then having an affair.
Yes I had issues to work on, but I spent a year working on them and turned around..even to her own admission.
Robx, if you look on this forum, there are many folks here who are committed to being faithful...even some who forgive and work it out. You're right, there are a lot of people who let human nature and temptation get the best of them, but they are missing out on something bigger than themselves.
Formerly SGfan M:38 W:33 M:8 yrs T:10 yrs Bomb: Dec '08 Separated: 4/18/09 Divorce: 8/28/09 XW Affair began: April 08
And if he didn't have a demanding career, she would call him a bum. You can't win this when they start looking around to have an A.
They make up the most repugnant sh!t about their spouses to match what the "love chemicals" are telling them so that they can rewrite history, continue lying, trashing, etc. Repulsive!
I had a very demanding career, working nights for years, and my h KNEW IT! He pursued me anyway, told me how strong, independent, desirable I was, yadda, yadda...and then....once we were married.....
HE GOT PISSY, SAID HE WAS LONELY, AND ASKED ME TO QUIT MY JOB!!
Oh, yeah, THAT would have been a good move.
So please, stop saying that it's never just one person's fault. In more than a few cases, it most certainly IS!
Robx, if you look on this forum, there are many folks here who are committed to being faithful...even some who forgive and work it out. You're right, there are a lot of people who let human nature and temptation get the best of them, but they are missing out on something bigger than themselves.
I didn't say have an affair so I don't know what you are trying to say by "committed to being faithful", all I'm saying is observe reality, follow reality, reality doesn't lie. If you want to cling to marriage vows and believe that your spouse should do the same regardless of crappy marital conditions, disrespect, lack of love, affection and attention, poor sex life, etc. well then you are deluding yourself. Those wedding vows you made to one another are only words, and words WITHOUT actions are just words and when you try to explain away your actions as to why the marriage went sour (ie. long hours, work, kids, money, etc.) you are just making excuses: excuses don't explain and explanations don't excuse. If you could have done better, you should have, plain & simple.
I think the problem with the A, as Kim says is that it's ultimately a one person's decision.
This is what I mean.
When we both moved abroad, it was very stressful for her and she put on lots of weight. I never criticised her because I knew weight, has always being a big issue for her. I didn't find her attractive at the time but I never made her feel bad. I started starting organizing jogging sessions, etc as if it were for me and she decided to join.
At that point, I could have said, f*ck it, we just married and she lets her self go. I'm going to look for another woman. But I didn't. It would have been so unfair for her, right?
I feel the same way now. For the past year I've been depressed, I had to work a lot to get a job and keep it (I was on weekly/monthly contracts) and it has been very stressful. I succeeded in supporting both of us while the recession. It was tough. Now, she's got a job and life was supposed to go back to normal. Oh but she didn't see any of that.
She saw a man she didn't like anymore. Stressed, depressed, ill. So she made her decision. She found another man. With a wife and two kids.
Last edited by FormelyknownasF; 04/02/1002:46 PM.
Separated: March 1 * Affair discovered: 20-March * Exposed: 27 March * Def. separation: May 1st *
Robx, I agree that vows are not a blank cheque or a person's property title. The grass is only greener where you water it.
But if you can commit, why bother getting married? An affair is walking away, leaving marriage by the back door. Even if you are so upset with your marriage you should be upfront.
Hearing someone say she doesn't want to be married anymore is hard but at least is honest. An affair will never be.
Separated: March 1 * Affair discovered: 20-March * Exposed: 27 March * Def. separation: May 1st *
If you could have done better, you should have, plain & simple.
that's just it -- I'm not seeing where F could have done much better as it relates to his wife's marital "complaints." Not saying he's a saint, but my read on the sitch (and granted, it's only based on what we read here of his posts -- perhaps Gnosis could weigh in on this, as he knows the sitch better) is that F's wife's gripes are just gaslighting and re-writing of marital history.
We'll have to agree to disagree on whether or not marital vows are "just words."
Robx, I agree that vows are not a blank cheque or a person's property title. The grass is only greener where you water it.
But if you can commit, why bother getting married? An affair is walking away, leaving marriage by the back door. Even if you are so upset with your marriage you should be upfront.
Hearing someone say she doesn't want to be married anymore is hard but at least is honest. An affair will never be.
Robx, I agree that vows are not a blank cheque or a person's property title. The grass is only greener where you water it.
But if you can't commit, why bother getting married? An affair is walking away, leaving marriage by the back door. Even if you are so upset with your marriage you should be upfront.
Hearing someone say she doesn't want to be married anymore is hard but at least is honest. An affair will never be.
People can commit initially, after a few years though of less than favorable conditions, people tend to want to renegotiate contracts for something better, I don't write the rules, this is human nature plain & simple. Again, commitment is just a word, what are the actions behind it?
Robx, I agree that vows are not a blank cheque or a person's property title. The grass is only greener where you water it.
But if you can commit, why bother getting married? An affair is walking away, leaving marriage by the back door. Even if you are so upset with your marriage you should be upfront.
Hearing someone say she doesn't want to be married anymore is hard but at least is honest. An affair will never be.
Amen.
very true, and since it's hard to be honest because in doing so we are going to be hurting the other person's feelings, we don't want to feel the guilt associated with this process because that hurts too, so it's easier to lie and have an affair secretly. Again self-preservation is human nature, that's reality, that's why you see this happening as often as it does. Again these aren't my rules, this is just an observation of reality.
