My husband and I have been together for six years. The first two years were great. The past four years I've been suffering the "sex-starved wife" syndrome and I've been trying to find a solution. Two months ago, I found out about my husband's affair. Now, two months later, he's living with me, telling me he loves me, and still having the affair. I'm confused. I'm wondering if it's worth it anymore. I'm tired. I'm trying hard to make myself happy. I'm talking to a DB coach. Why should I stay with someone who knows that they are hurting me but don't care enough about me to stop doing it? He's still lying to me and cheating on me. I need a pep talk!
This is the first marriage for us both. I'm 28 and he's 29 years old. No children. He was involved with a woman for many years. He had intented on having "forever" with her when she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. When we met, he told me about her. He said that they were just friends now and he visited her often. We dated for two years and then he was offered a job out of state. He proposed and asked me to come with him. I was overjoyed and agreed. Three months after moving, she passed away and that is when I started to notice a difference. He wasn't interested in having sex anymore. At first, I just let it go because I thought he was stressed out about the new job and morning the death of this woman. After several months, I tried to be positive and encouraging about it. I told him how great he was and how much I enjoyed being with him. When nothing improved after the wedding, I asked him if there was something I was doing wrong. Was it me? He said no and that it was just the natural progression of relationships. Sex once a month? I really hoped not. Then I started doing research. I read everything I could get my hands on. I saw a therapist. I asked him to help me. I asked if he'd go see someone with me or alone, whichever he'd prefer. He agreed, but never went. I asked him again and again to help and he simply would not do it. So naturally, I got angry and resentful. I never hid it from him. He'd ask and I'd tell him the truth. I stopped trying because it hurt so much to get turned down all the time, and I do mean all the time. Two months ago, I discovered his affair. I didn't understand why he'd go to someone else for sex when I was right there. I'd never turned him down when he initiated (rarely) with me. He said that he'd go to therapy and we did. He said in therapy that when the woman in the beginning died, he felt guilty for moving on with his life and couldn't look at me the same anymore. I don't think he was truthful with me when he said they were "just friends." I asked him to give up his mistress and try to save our marriage and he said he would. Now we're two months into this and he's still having the affair and still living with me (separate bedrooms) and we're going no where in therapy. I can't trust him when he's still cheating on me and he just can't seem to give her up. This is what I know about the OW. She works with him, new to the office about 10 months ago. She's single. At the time of the affair, she'd just gotten out of a long term relationship. She hopes that "in the end, it'll all be worth it." (found that in a valentine's day card she sent my husband). She's a runner like my husband and she likes to snowboard, which my husband has recently taken up as a hobby. He used to be a skier. She's a spineless, soulless, husband stealing (insert bad word here). How long am I supposed to wait? I'm honestly getting to the point where I want to raise a white flag. I don't know if I still want to save this marriage. He's not the man I thought he was and the more and more ambivalent he is, the more and more ambivalent I become. I'm working with a DB coach and I'm working hard to take care of myself. It's a choice I have to make everyday and it's hard. He says the same things to her that he used to say to me. I thought I could forgive the infidelity in the beginning, but since he won't stop it, it's getting harder and harder to imagine our future together. Other than take care of myself and do what makes me happy... what do I do? Please help!
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
Only you can answer whether or not you want to "bother" w/ the M.
I can tell you from experience that while I was in an EA, my W did nothing for me...I loved her but wasnt in love w/ her, she was boring, sex was boring, she didn't cook or clean- so I did, and all she did was work all the time...
We were at our end. I could have cared less- b/c I was getting emtional/ego needs met elsewhere.
Once my EA fell apart, W established one and said she was DONE- I have never loved her more. BTW when my EA failed, ALL I WANTED WAS TO FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT MY W...ironic twist...
So, you have several options...if you're done and ready to move on, that's one. If you want to keep the M...
-protest the A to friends and family- and to H -establish your boundaries, and be prepared to walk away...
There are other options- let me make sure I understand- H knows that you know about the A? He admits it?
If not get all the proof you can get and then find people supporting the M.
From my understanding, you cannot successfully DB w/ OP in the pic- except for outshining them...
Hi Brenalim - Sorry you're here, but welcome. I've lived what you've lived. My h had an affair, and continued after I called him out on it and he admitted it - we've never lived separately. I revealed it to family/friends (I don't recommend that btw - it definitely made things more difficult for us, even now, and didn't make much of a difference to my H) and eventually H came out of the fog. Come the end of march we'll be four years post bomb.
Here's the thing about all of this: this is about your HUSBAND. It's not about you. Therefore, there isn't anything you can do to make him change his behavior. Just as he chose to start it, HE has to choose to stop it. You can't make him do anything he doesn't want to.
Thus, Jasper briefly provided you with your options. You have to choose what you want. Do you want to hang on and wait it out? Do you want to throw in the towel? Those are YOUR choices right now. Wait it out - walk away. If you're willing to wait it out, there are things you can do to make a difference in your life. Those things MAY affect your H/marriage, but they may not. Likewise walking away would do the same.
FWIW, i asked my H what would have happened if I had an affair while he was having his and he said "I'd be happy that you found someone that made you happy." He was so far gone at the time that even me having an A wouldn't have fazed him in the least.
Hang in there and keep posting. The more you post, the more everyone can weigh in.
((((brenalim))))
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
I didn't mean to sound negative- I'm just letting you know that I've been in the fog myself...and it's effing bizarre.
In my sitch it was all timing- my EA wouldn't have gone PA, though I often thought about it...I DO NOT BELIEVE IN D and I would not physically cheat on W- unless I were drinking and I havent done that in almost 7 years.
Basically, when my EA fell apart, my understanding was clear that I needed a better M and there was alot I could do to help it get better.
Unfortunately, we never had the opportunity to do so b/c W started her EA/PA literally days later and since then its been her in the fog.
When I was in the EA, W made some changes- she offered ML more often, etc...prob is she never initiated and she never initiated affection...
I was clouded and "turned off" from W b/c I believe the shurt I was telling my EA...forget W's A- when she said she was done and proved it by her actions- that's what made me chase- plus the fact I didn't want an EA...
So I had turned my attention to W, I knew what needed to be changed, and right then she was DONE- the rest is history.
If you have communicated all you can- you need to create the sense of loss and really live it out...
For instance and not that it means anything- I am 12 days NC- W used to not take my calls, now she's been initiating all contact, and I'm not partaking...
I will not deal w/ W in any way as long as OM is in the pic...her choice
not sure I made this clear, my EA ended on its own, just days before W started hers...my EA lasted a good 1.5 months...maybe texting during the week never weekends...no phone calls...and saw the EA maybe 20 mins at work- so not heavily involved, but enough to get me to birtch about W and re-write history
