Need encouragement/stage 1 advice

[DaddyLongShanks]

It's weird how happy I can be with the rest of my life, even the other things in our relationship, but soooo steaming angry at him at the same time. He really has no idea how much resentment I have toward him, almost contempt.

I do so much for him, make sure the bills are paid on time, clean the house daily, he constantly owes me money, He hasn't renewed his drivers license since it expired six months ago, yet I let him borrow my car to drive to work every day, because otherwise I'd have to drive across town twice a day to pick him up. I'm trying to GAL but I have turned down numerous social invitations because I don't have a ride.

He KNOWS there is an intimacy problem, he has told me he's working on it and trying to make it better because it's "important" to him, but actions speak louder than words and honestly his actions are telling me that he's in this relationship for convenience.

SICK AND TIRED of feeling USED and TAKEN FOR GRANTED!

AAARRRGH!

Just need to vent. Thanks for listening.

Yeah, the intimacy is on the backburner. He's "working on it", right...

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

No problem w/ venting. And what is not surprising is how deeply the anger can run.

My ex-being willing (and able) to tell me how angry she felt at me 28 years later over some perceived slight was pretty remarkable.

One other thing, I don't know if you are aware of the concept of "passages" (a term I beleived was coined by Gail Sheehy). It sounds a lot like both are you are at one of those points.

The Captain

[Walking]

I'm the one who has been chasing him around this whole time, I'm the one who has done all the work to try to keep us together, I'm the one who has been generous in showing affection, care, support and loyalty.

Now I'm the one who feels like dropping the bomb, ILYB..., because he did not appreciate my hard work and patience, and instead let our relationship waste away like all the other forgotten, neglected objects he has.

Oh Starvingartist ... be careful.

This is exactly how one becomes a Walkaway wife. I was you 7 or 8 years ago and I left my marriage because I didn’t have the skills you have the opportunity to learn here.

First of all girlfriend you need to look sincerely and critically at how your behaviours and reactions are contributing to this situation. The first para above is a good clue. You are doing all the “pursuit”. Stop it. stop it now.

Worse than pursuit – you are possibly playing mummy … and that’s just not sexy.

I have discussed with him ad nauseum that he needs to take care of things, both in his life and in our relationship. We have had 100s of these discussions, and he says, "yeah, I should take care of that" and NOTHING ever changes.

Read some stuff on the differences between men and women. Read The Chase by Samantha Brett (good light, but enlightening read), read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, obviously read The Sex Starved Marriage by Michelle.

[starvingartist]

I stopped pursuit a long time ago. I guess "this whole time" was inaccurate. Got burned by too many rejections.

And I haven't actually nagged him or even really asked him about cleaning up after himself, renewing his DL and not trashing my car, etc. etc. for at least a month. I just keep it to myself and vent it out later when he's not around. Around him this last month I have been cool as a cucumber.

But as I back off, he just gets more comfortable, lazy, content. He doesn't think of the ways he disrespects me and my things and my schedule. Again, feeling used.

And in the meantime, I'm getting bored with him.

[starvingartist]

Earlgrey you have a good point there with the passages.

He has been encouraging me to be a more productive artist, and that would definitely make me more attractive to him, but at the same time he holds me back from it by making me carry most of the weight in household and financial issues. After taking care of everything, I have little time, energy or money to pursue my interests.

And knowing my talent, when I actually do make a name for myself as an artist, he will not know how to handle it and he'll be threatened by being outshined by his wife.

I read excerpts of "Passages" online and this is one of the things it says happens around age 30. It explained our situation almost exactly. It's worrisome, though, because a lot of men who had never cheated started cheating on their wives at this stage.

I might go see if my library has that book so I can read the rest of it. It's pretty interesting.

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

I read it years ago and it seemed to fit a lot of what was going on at the time (and even afterward).

For many it does not paint a pretty picture of what can happen.

[starvingartist]

I just don't know what to do. Nothing is working. I continue to GAL, he just seems glad to have me out of the house. One night this week I went out on my bike without telling him where I was going and came home at 3 a.m. He didn't even call to check on me, didn't ask me where I was or if I had any fun.

He hasn't touched me in 7 weeks.

Our lease is up in june and I'm going to start looking for places to live on my own. I can't let him use me for my car and money.

[trying4years]

Oh, and at this point, my trying to GAL has nothing to do with trying to impress him or give him space or make him miss me. It's because I feel like I need to leave pretty soon and I feel like I need to get my life back first in order to do it.
...

Well I agree GAL shouldn't really be to impress the other person, it is all about taking care of yourself, becoming your own person, differentiating yourself from your spouse. It should make you a more easily loved person. I know you are using this form to vent, and I encourage you to let it all out here! But at the end of the day, I hope and pray you find happiness in your marriage.

[Young at Heart]

I just don't know what to do. Nothing is working. I continue to GAL, he just seems glad to have me out of the house. One night this week I went out on my bike without telling him where I was going and came home at 3 a.m. He didn't even call to check on me, didn't ask me where I was or if I had any fun.

He hasn't touched me in 7 weeks.

Our lease is up in june and I'm going to start looking for places to live on my own. I can't let him use me for my car and money.

There was a really interesting article in the New York Times about a Montana wife who gave her husband the space he needed to realize his love for his wife and family.

I would suggest that you read it and perhaps think about the lessons from the story. You are certainly free to do whatever you want to do.

Let me give you some advice. Seven weeks may seem like a lot to you, but from most of us in the SSM forum, it is a very short period of suffering.

Good luck to you.

Commentary on the article of the Montana Wife

The NY Times article

[starvingartist]

That article is pretty interesting. I can't tell if I relate more to the W or H in that story, because I'm the one who wants to leave, but I feel like it's because he has pushed me away too much.

I don't know if anyone else has this experience, but I am so angry when I wake up in the morning. It's like I was fine when I was asleep, but upon awaking I realize how much crap I have to put up with and I end up having a temper tantrum before I even get out of bed (though I keep it inside, so not to take it out on sleeping beauty laying next to me).

I end up going to work mad, slamming the door on the way out, in hopes my H will wake up before noon. I have even stopped giving him goodbye kisses, because I don't think he appreciates them.

I'm having trouble with the "lovingly distant" part of GAL. It usually feels like I'm being spitefully distant. I feel like he doesn't even deserve to see me walk through the room, most definitely doesn't deserve to see me smile.

When I first started GAL I was more lovingly distant. But once I stopped initiating affection, I learned within a few weeks all I get is about one hug and one "grandma" kiss on the lips per day.

And on top of that, he does nothing, ever, besides go to work. He will not leave the house, never goes out with his friends, just sits on the couch all day. He is boring me.

He used to play music and talk to me about science and the universe and philosophy. Now he barely says anything.

I am in a relationship with a brick wall and I'm falling out of love.