ediemarie - how long did you wait for him to end his affair after you found out?
My best friend is going through something I don't understand. I want to be there for him but he's hurting me. He knows he's hurting me but cannot stop doing it. This isn't the man I fell in love with. Will he be that person again?
I suppose I'm staying because I'm not sure if I should leave him or not.
jasper67 - I'm sorry that you are already at NC. I wish you the best.
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
Thanks for the good wishes...truthfully, NC would have helped my sitch out and me quite a while ago.
A's are effed up- b/c the WAS behaviors and alien tendancies are just that- ALIEN- they are NO LONGER the person you knew...
UGH
I have no doubt that things can work out someway- best thing is for you to be taking care of yourself though...protect number 1, outshine, and be the best you can be
My heart bleeds for you. I also don't know if I want this lying, cheating two-time adulterer in my life, but I'm going forward anyway and doing what I have to do to get the M back on track, if it be possible. Then I guess I'll see where we are at that point.
I guess it's nice to know that I'm not alone, but at the same time, I feel so bad that there are so many other people out there that are suffering because of this crap.
I'm trying really hard to take care of myself. I'm doing things that I like doing but at the same time, I don't want to push him away. Is it possible to have a balance or do I just do whatever? Every time we're apart, I suspect he's with her. It kills me. I want to be strong, but it's tough.
Thank you for the advice jasper... I will try the NC thing before I call it quits for good. I've got to be ready to leave and I don't think I'm there yet. I don't want to be there, but sometimes I feel closer to it than staying. I guess I'm just hoping we won't have to get to that.
I did hear a good quote today... "Pain beats out regret every day of the week and twice on Sunday."
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
I like that quote- I'll be sure to send it to STBX after the D...lol.
I agree, too many people are going through this...its very sad- what I find even worse is the advice our loved ones give and how they call me "delusional" or a glutton for punishment.
Dont listen to anyone not supportive of your POV...they can disagree but they need to respect it as well.
If you can detach enough and do the act as if- as far as leaving, it may be a shot...
I always hear the WAH is an easier fix than the WAW...
Grass is Never Greener, but you can rarely have WAS understand that- their "feelings" just aren't there anymore.
My frined told me Friday- "action precedes motivation" great quote!
No WAS wants to hear that shirt though.
My NC is for me, and it also serves to allow myself to self-heal to the point where if WAW wants back the answer may be "no"
My NC is me becoming the WAW- self preservation, detoxing, and getting used to life w/o W- the diff is, I understand an unbiased view o the M history (good and bad now), I'm aware thatMC would help, I am in IC once a week, twice if I'm having a hard time, and I've read most of the books suggested here...
W will have to catch up quite a bit if this is what she wants...I'm not there anymore though...
I think you can do a lot to improve your sitch...sometimes you have to let go to really be able to have anything
Yes, you can detach. It's a state of mind, it depends on how much control you have over your feelings. I found several things that worked for me before (H is a repeat offender) - one was thinking of him as an alien. The man I was with was DEFINITELY not behaving like the man I married. His brain was hijacked and this mush was left behind. Another was gaining a full understanding of the brain chemicals released in an early affair/relationship. (google PEA + love chemical to read up) - also oxytocin (which can be our friend if you want to draw him back to you through ML) and vasopressin.
Another thing was doing things for myself. They say when you're down, if you smile, eventually you feel happy inside. I treated my whole life like that. I smiled with my body and eventually felt happy outside. I would skip, sing, dance, smile, do happy things, talk in a little girl voice, and eventually I was happy inside to match the outside.
I'm only two months into this and I don't think I have a lot of control over my emotions. I'm trying. I have to choose everyday to swallow my dignity and be happy with what I've got. I've been trying to look at him more like a roommate than my husband but its hard when I get such mixed signals from him. He's still having the affair but talks with me about buying more furniture for the house or planning what we're going to do with the landscaping this summer. Is just so confusing. Thanks for the tip Passenger... I'll try to do more smiling until it's not fake anymore!
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
For you to be good, he needs to have anger at himself for hurting you with his affair, own his [censored] and show you that he desires you and is sorry for hurting you. The actions will give you the comfort to leave or stay.
If he never gives you this, it is going to be fake.
DaddyLongShanks... I'd love it if he'd own up to the mistakes he's made and put forth some effort into earning my trust back, but he hasn't done it yet. That's my problem.
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
I've started several threads because I didn't really get the process on here so a BIG apology to folks who have responded to my other threads. Thank you so much for everything. I'm picking this one back up because it was my first and has my original story. here is the latest... Four months into this now and nothing has changed. We're still in separate bedrooms. He calls/texts the OW everyday. Spends time with her regularly. Last overnight trip was April 28th. We're talking to a DB coach every other week but still, no change. He's all talk and no action. He continues to lie to me and worse, our DB coach. Last week I said to him "I refuse to live in an open marriage. I don't want to share my husband's affections with another. I don't want to be married to someone who lies to me. Since you are unable to end your relationship with the OW, I'm going to start making a plan for myself." he started crying and begged me not to leave him. After that, I had a pretty strong physical reaction. Sick to my stomach. I've made an appointment for a consultation with a lawyer. I'd like to know my options. I'm meeting with our pastor tomorrow (having trouble with the "for better for worse" part of the vows), and I'm collecting boxes. I'm mad that I'm here. I'm resentful that he finds it easier to hurt me than to hurt her. He keeps telling me that he loves me and this woman means nothing to him. The longer this goes on, the less and less I want to save my marriage. I keep asking for someone to tell me how long I have to wait for him to stop cheating on me. Everyone keeps telling me that it's up to me. I hate that. I know it's true, but I still hate it. If I leave now, will I look back at my life and wonder "what if I just gave it a little more time?" Would things be different? Does anyone out there know what the average "wait time" is after an affair is discovered? Does anyone know the success rate for DB a marriage when he won't give up the OW? Pain beats regret everyday of the week and twice on Sundays.
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
