I am pretty new to this board and to your sitch. I wanted to offer you a couple of pieces of input. These are from my perspective only, and you and anyone else on here are free to disagree.
It is fine for you to feel anger at times, that is perfectly normal. However, I would not recommend you show any anger or frustration toward your wife. If you feel angry...log onto this board and let it rip.
I believe your wife is having doubts. I think there may be more that you can do, but cautiously. For instance, if your wife asks you about your C sessions, tell her about them. You don't have to go into great detail, but if she asks about them...she may care. If she doesn't ask about them, that's called indifference, and you don't want to be there!
Part of loving her is trusting her. It doesn't appear in your posts that she has done anything to violate your trust. So trust her until proven otherwise.
I maybe should have included this up where I talked about anger, but do not be adversarial or confrontational with your wife. If she is the WAW, her emotions are right on edge anyway. You need her to have time to REDUCE her anger and frustration toward you, so I would not be confrontational or demanding with her.
Do not demand answers because you think you need an answer on something now. The truth is....you don't. You need to make time your friend when dealing with your wife's emotions.
Here's the final thing I've got for you right now. Think of every decision you make through the eyes of your wife. Think about how she would FEEL about it. You can LOVE your wife back into your relationship.
She FEELS like SHE is the one who has been hurt (thus the term WAW). So around her, you've got to let your feelings of hurt go for now.
In regard to how she feels, be compassionate TOWARD her. Love her. Protect her.
Just my 2 cents as I continue to learn things to save my own M.
GM, Thanks for taking the time to read my sitch. Although at times I do get angry, I never unleash it around W. I do come here to vent. I feel I am far enough in this process to let my emotions get the best of me when dealing with W.
I do or at least did trust her completely but since she is not in the right frame of mind I am concerned about her going away for 4 days with her divorced friends. They will not encourage her to "behave". [quote=Glimmerman] Part of loving her is trusting her. It doesn't appear in your posts that she has done anything to violate your trust. So trust her until proven otherwise.quote]
I will know more about our R after she returns from her getaway.
If she decides to hook up with someone than I will decide to move on completely.
As stated before we both hold this value. I know I have been faithful and will remain faithful until it's time for my not to be. But at that point I will absolutely know I'm done.
My W hasn't asked me about C in over 2 months. If fact she hasn't asked me anything that pertains to me. Doesn't bother me at all. I am confident in myself and my changes. I know I am a great Dad to my kids and an all around nice person with plenty to offer.
I'll know more soon.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Being around the D friends does not help one bit. Its pretty obvious that they will offer solutions to her problems while she is with them. Its not going to be in your favour.
What you can do if you have not, is to get into church. If you are in church, see if you can get the wife to participating in activities with other married couples.
You need peer pressure to be coming from other happily married women.
Being around the D friends does not help one bit. Its pretty obvious that they will offer solutions to her problems while she is with them. Its not going to be in your favour.
What you can do if you have not, is to get into church. If you are in church, see if you can get the wife to participating in activities with other married couples.
You need peer pressure to be coming from other happily married women.
BLEECH!!!
Focus on what you can control - yourself. Set healthy boundaries, think thru your plan, act with confidence and handle it the way a strong man would.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Her peer groups are never going to help him out. I believe in the 180 and the steps on DB wholeheartedly.
I believe however that there are elements you can introduce to your situation to help it be more in your favour.
As long as his wife is running to these divorced friends, he really has literally zero hope except taking care of himself. The purpose of the DB site was to provide hope and solution for those who may be headed directly for a divorce.
We all agree on DB, that yes you have to take care of yourself - but there are some other things that you can do, which help your esteem and let you feel less "powerless". One of them was an effective "affair bursting".
He has to take care of himself whether he waits on a reconciliation, or if he leaves. However, moving to a "Christian" oriented frame, where you may make new friends who are a friend of marriage, can only help you. Or to simply expose that the W hates the institution of marriage.
What better closure than that? What more could you have done?
I know I have no control over who she is friends with or the fact of what she is going to do while away. I accept that fact.
I found out today that her "friend" already tried to hook her up with someone so I am not happy that W is going away for 4 days with this person.
W did say that she was not ready to do that. But this was a few months age. Maybe this time she IS ready.
That is her choice and I will respond accordingly when I find out more.
In the mean time she still has not contacted me yet to met to discuss the post marital agreement. (3 weeks now)
She has taken her time with everything thus far so.
Any advice on handling this?
Should I email her and tell her I am ready to meet so we could get this agreement in place?
Or should I continue being patience and let her handle when we meet?
Pros and Cons in My mind:
Pro- She she me taking the intiative to meet. I am showing her I am OK with her decision and I am handling it in a mature way.
Con- I am pressuring her to meet so I'm showing her That I am ready to move on w/o her.
UMM
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
In my experience, the W taking their time is not necessarily a bad thing. It's when they are in a hurry that they are acting more on negative emotion.
When you say you are not happy that your wife is going away for 4 days with this person, in a way you are setting yourself up to have a confrontation with her when she returns.
I agree with Coach. Focus on what you can control.
So your telling me not to contact her to set up the agreement, right?
I have been extremely patience so far and many close to me have said thing same thing.
Maybe I'm having one of those days but since I have gotten my act together there are a alot of women noticing me and I have doubts about reconciling myself.
I do feel more confident and it shows.
I have gone out a few times and had plenty of opprotunities to meet someone else. I have choosen not to act on those feelings right now but it is getting harder and harder.
I will sit tight for now. What's another 2 weeks gonna hurt.
I thought she would have emailed my now to meet, she goes away next weekend.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Most of the advice I see on here is to the the WAS initiate legal stuff for the most part....kind of the put it in their hands approach.
My perspective is that you can never go wrong with patience. I know you believe you have been extremely patient. You may not the answer to this, but think about how your wife views your patience.
She is the one who has asked you at times "What has changed?".
The only other thing that I'll offer is to consider always being cooperative with your wife. Sort of a "drop the rope" in the tug of war if you will.
That thought comes to me from things like your roof. I would encourage you to have those discussions with your wife. I would feel free to talk about something that SHE initiates. If you ask her how she thinks and feels about stuff when she initiates a conversation, you never know what it might lead to.
Again, you may be a lot like me and say to yourself "I've done that". My C's wisdom to me was every time I say to myself "I've done that", to consider it through the lens of how my wife might think of that statement.
Again, you may be a lot like me and say to yourself "I've done that". My C's wisdom to me was every time I say to myself "I've done that", to consider it through the lens of how my wife might think of that statement.
gman, my db coach did offer me that advice too. She told me to imagine what life was living with me.
I can respect that perspective.
I know were not suppose to put a time limit on the situation but I feel if I don't see changes from her with in a years time, I will be the one to move on.
I have 6 months left. That;s just me, others might say different but I have my goals and values and if they aren't being met I need to move to plan B.
I keep you updated. Thanks gr8
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
