Cut & paste from my first post on my first thread, 12/2/09
Originally Posted By: Ruined_No_More
H said he wanted D 9/09. Total surprise to me. Later that day find proof of EA w/co-worker. H says 'just a friend'. Over last 3 months, H steps up text/phone calls with OW.
H. forces me out of house 10/27. Suspect that EA has become PA. H. still insists just friends. H. has gone from ILY to ILYBINILWY.
Send obnoxious, accusatory messages to both last week. H. is refusing to speak to me at all now. Stupid on my part, I know.
We had been having pleasant times together recently. Seems when I apply no pressure & agree to D, he is receptive to working on R. I think I've blown all that goodwill.
Unsure of how to procede. Also unsure if I should even try to salvage M. Even if he where to end EA/PA, he will still have to work with OW in the future.
He hasn't filed at this point.
Now:
Moved into my own apt w/year lease 3/8/10. Spoke to H 2x since then. Assume that H is still w/OW. Don't know, don't care at this point.
As far as I know, H has had no further contact w/his L. I have the marriage paperwork, H can't file w/o it. We got married abroad, so getting duplicate paperwork would probably be convoluted and time consuming. I haven't contacted my 2nd L since consultation in January.
The first 2 weeks here, wanted to just file and get it over with. Now I'm just ... pthh. I feel so detached at this point that I don't even care anymore.
In the interim, met OM. Thought I'd feel guilty, but don't. Have had interesting shift in perception regarding H/M/H's A due to OM's presence. I can totally get H's rationale in a way I didn't/couldn't/wouldn't before.
At this point, I want to work out the M, but no longer feel the panic/desperation I had prior. It is becoming more and more evident that H is not the only fish in the sea.
I've been waking up smiling and happy every day. Not b/c of OM, but because I'm no longer in the toxic environment that existed living w/H.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
H contacted me the day after the move, regarding the dog. Conversation lasted 1 minute. I contacted H. last weekend about getting something out of his office [off limits to me]; that lasted about 90 seconds, due to his inability to grasp what I was saying to him. No other contact.
Appears that H isn't sleeping at home anymore. I'm pretty sure H wanted me out for ease/convenience w/A. H was 'trying' to be discreet while I was in house, but failing miserably.
H went so far as to say that since he decided to get D, he wasn't having A [what he is doing isn't adultery]. As in he is free to do what/who he wants b/c he no longer considers us married.
By default, that means I've got the same freedom. And it has been rather enjoyable.
Just hope I have the fortitude to stick this out long enough for H to remove his head from his a$$.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
Went to get my cats today. H. was apprised of this via text last night. H. had idea that since he is attached to one of my cats, he should get to keep my cat. Never mind that he has a cat that he ignores, and the dog who I've not seen in a month. H. acts surprised that I want to take the cat that I've had for 10 years.
Send H. text today about finding or replacing cable to my dvd player that he packed up & moved w/o cord. H. responds w/crap about returning his stupid screwdriver. Argh.
Guess H. is acting out, or just needs to have last word. Grrr.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
glad to see you've shifted out of panic mode. my only caution is to be careful that you're not putting a band aid on your hurt with OM. i've also been tempted to try dating just so i can get my head out of this fog and stop feeling so damn sad all the time, but i know i need to allow myself time to grieve and repair my heart. if you feel you're really, truly at that point already, go for it! but if you're still dealing with feelings of hurt, or anger or even love for your H, it may bubble up within other relationships later on.
my mother has also told me that i am "no longer married" even though neither of us has signed the first piece of paper. i don't know if my H is carrying on as if he's unmarried, but i know i would be overwhelmed with guilt (not that you should, that's just me and my catholic guilt talking) if i were to pursue a physical relationship with someone while i was still legally bound to my H. she can "consider" that i'm not married all she wants. i still have his name. i'm still his wife.
sorry about the unfortunate interacations regarding the animals, though. much easier to split up the living room furniture than an animal that you both love.
don't let him frustrate you so much. you control your emotional state, not him!
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
glad to see you've shifted out of panic mode. my only caution is to be careful that you're not putting a band aid on your hurt with OM. i've also been tempted to try dating just so i can get my head out of this fog and stop feeling so damn sad all the time, but i know i need to allow myself time to grieve and repair my heart. if you feel you're really, truly at that point already, go for it! but if you're still dealing with feelings of hurt, or anger or even love for your H, it may bubble up within other relationships later on.
OM knows my sitch. Things are moving very, very, very slowly. I spent the last 7+ months grieving. I decided that once I moved, I was taking a break from H/M/H's A. I'm tired of feeling bad b/c H would rather be w/OW more than anything else. OM has been a breath of fresh air, almost like chapstick for my soul. We have alot of fun together, but I don't see myself falling madly in love. More like, we have fun together, and I can see myself falling madly in like w/him. No more.
Originally Posted By: trytryagain
my mother has also told me that i am "no longer married" even though neither of us has signed the first piece of paper. i don't know if my H is carrying on as if he's unmarried, but i know i would be overwhelmed with guilt (not that you should, that's just me and my catholic guilt talking) if i were to pursue a physical relationship with someone while i was still legally bound to my H. she can "consider" that i'm not married all she wants. i still have his name. i'm still his wife.
I've had this fight w/H. He can say we're not married all he wants. Doesn't change the fact that, legally, we are. Closer to actuality, we aren't, haven't been since last summer when H took up w/OW. Told him months ago that I'm not going to be his W if OW is involved in our M. She is, and I am not.
Originally Posted By: trytryagain
don't let him frustrate you so much. you control your emotional state, not him!
True. It's frustrating. H has house, and has made no effort to start buying me out. I saved 75% of the down payment on the house. The first year, I payed the mortgage. H has everything he wants: dog, house, mistress, W out of the way.
Keep thinking that H is putting me on the back burner [not filing, etc] until/when/if A ends and then he decides to work on M. That seems to be a source of anger for me.
I don't want to let this whole sitch make me angry/bitter/broken. As you know, some days are easier than others.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
Settling into new place, very, very slowly. Life resuming as normal as can be expected. Haven't cried over H/sitch for at least 2 weeks.
Contacted H tonight via text about taxes. Had talked about joint filing in December and agreed that H would pay my taxes for this year and last. No further conversation about it.
Went on line to file extension, but half way expected H to have already filed single for 2009. H responds 45 mins later w/ whatever is easiest and tell him what I want to do. Surprised. Very, very surprised as I had expected H to have already taken care of his end [H gets refund and I owe every year].
Side note: last week my co-worker, who lives around the corner from H, told me about running into H at the store. Co-worker does not know anything other than H and I are living separate and talking D. CW [kinda drunk and usually kinda clueless] tells me H looks like hell, as if he'd been smoking crack. Ask CW if he's using dramatic metaphor or does he literally [actual dictionary definition] mean it. CW is being dramatic, starts lecturing me to give H another chance, H seems weak and broken, H was unkempt [not like H at all], H needs a good woman. This of course makes me very angry - H had a good woman that he threw over for OW.
Think back to last time had NC w/H for 5 weeks. Came back to H in the same condition. H looked horrendous, so judging by what CW said, sounds like the same thing again.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
Text H about taking dog for next 2 days [my weekend]. Get immediate positive response from H. Kind of surprised; wasn't sure that H would let me have dog.
Haven't seen H or dog for 6 weeks. Looking forward to seeing dog. Not so sure about H.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
We have alot of fun together, but I don't see myself falling madly in love. More like, we have fun together, and I can see myself falling madly in like w/him. No more.