I have a hard time separating *validating* from *agreeing*. Not that I've had very much interaction with him the past few days--but when I have...it's not been good.
Part of my problem is that *I feel*, IMHO--he does the same thing. "I understand" morphs into "I understand because you are right." and suddenly I'm shouldering all of the blame once again.
Maybe it's just different because he is still so angry. Will it be different later on?
I liked the Burger & fries analogy. I'll keep that in mind the next time I actually have an interaction with him.
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
I read part of a book that I'm going to have to find and buy that talked about this kind of thing as well as how to know when the other person you are talking to feels unsafe etc...
It's called "Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When the Stakes are high"
It is up to the LBSer to determine if there is a grain of truth in the ranting and venting. Because...there often is.
Personally, this is the benefit of validating....allowing the MLCer to realize that you are listening and more importantly to help identify some of the truths about the R that the MLC spews. IMO - quite often there is a fair amount of truth in what the MLCer will say - the LBSer must be open and honest enough with themselves to hear, feel it, process it and CHANGE it.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Validating can be hard, but it helps me to connect with H without taking on responsibility for how he's feeling or acting--detached sympathy, I guess you could call it. This is important for me because I used to be really good at solving all of his problems instead of letting him figure them out for himself.
DG, thanks for that book title--I put it on hold at the library, along with "Crucial Confrontations."
I just posted this on shelbel's thread and thought I'd add it here as it pretty much sums up part of my journey...
IMO standing is an essential part of the healing process of the LBS. You will constantly questions this throughout. At least I have up to this point.
You will ask yourself questions like "WTF am I doing this for this person?"
In the beginning we want answers.
Why did this happen?
How could they do this? Who am I? What do I believe in? What do my vows mean to me? Why do I hurt?
And the BIG ONE...
What is it about ME that made them leave?
IMO you don't get answers unless you choose to take the hard road, STAND, and go on the journey.
At first you tend to look at it as a quid pro quo- I am willing to do this for a while until I see some progress. IOW you do it EXPECTING some outcome ...
As time goes on and your expectations aren't met you question again...
It is all part to of the journey. You may even have trouble articulating why you are doing this to other people or yourself.
Then you start to look inside....
Then you start to see who YOU are...
Then you realize that this is part of YOU
What you have chosen is part of YOU and your character. So what began out of a search for answers for why and what is wrong with you. Out of hurt for what someone did to you...
You see it all has to do with who YOU are. The best part of who YOU are and then...
It is no longer about what THEY choose or why.
It is about YOU
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Yep - then we realize a few things. Some of the answers are in US.
Quote:
At first you tend to look at it as a quid pro quo- I am willing to do this for a while until I see some progress. IOW you do it EXPECTING some outcome ...
So true...so true.....I can still recall the early days of looking and searching for any small sign of change. Then....
Quote:
you start to see who YOU are...
Then you realize that this is part of YOU
Great post my friend..
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
