Should I Tell Her to Move On???

[gr8 day 2B alive]

more self journaling.

W called the house Easter morning to talk to kids. S2 and I were cooking in the kitchen. D5 gave phone to S2 and when he was done speaking he says "Here's Daddy"

I wasn't expexting her to be on the phone. I said hello and she said hello back. I wished her a happy Easter and told her that S2 and I were cooking. she said thats's what he told her.
I said goodbye and I see you midweek to drop the kids off.

15 minutes later I was thinking about inviting her to Mass with us. I asked the kids if they wanted me to ask mommy to join us for mass and they said "No, not really". I asked if they were sure and they said yes.
So I don't ask her.

[mza8]

gr8, maybe you were asking your children if they wanted her to go to mass as a way for you to ask her? I'm glad your kids said no. Don't ask W for things like that...it's pursuing. Trust me, there are times that I look for reasons to contact my W. When I have those thoughts, I stop myself and make sure not to contact her. Just be aware of your reasons for contacting W. If it's unneccessary then don't do it right now. Tough to do I know.

Did your W wish you a happy Easter in return? It was a good sign that she was still on the phone. You said yourself that you weren't expecting it. Look for the small signs gr8, sometimes they are right in front of our face. Perhaps she felt comfortable enough to remain on the phone. You did good not pressuring her for anything. The more interactions you can have like that, the more comfortable and relaxed your W will become. I've seen it in my own sitch.

Something I will share with you. For the past few days I have been asking God for signs that my M has hope. I see small signs but I asked God to give me something more substantial. During the homily at church yesterday, it hit me that who am I to question the methods that God speaks to me? It was so weird because just after I had this thought, the rest of the homily talked about the very same thing. That we cannot dictate the signs that we are given. I couldn't believe it. I'm not pushing religion but the message is the same. We look for signs that WE want to see from our WAS. We want to see substantial signs from them. It doesn't work that way. We have to accept the signs that we are given. Even though the signs might be very small (like your W still being on the phone for you yesterday) they are there. Hope this helps you.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

mza8,
I agree with you about it being pusuing. Thats why I didn't ask her.
She did wish me a Happy easter in return.

W called last night to talk to the kids. I was in the kitchen cleaning up from dinner and heard my D5 say to W: "Mommy, daddy wants to talk to you". As D5 is walking in the kitchen she say " Daddy, Mommy want to talk to you.
This is the second time she pulled this.

I get on the phone and say hello and W says "That D5 is using her ploy again". I said "I know she so funny, we'll see you Wednesday". and said goodbye.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Greek-

My W has not yet talked about meeting to discuss the post marital agreement. It has been three weeks since she said she would let me know when would meet.

Why is she taking her time with something like this??

Also how have Coach's family accepted you back in the family?

I remained in good standings with her family but I wqasn't the one to leave. My family will have a harder time embracing her again.
Thanks

[Greek]

Greek-

My W has not yet talked about meeting to discuss the post marital agreement. It has been three weeks since she said she would let me know when would meet.

Why is she taking her time with something like this??

Everything I did, I did b/c I felt sure of the move. The things I didn't do were indications of doubt. As an example, I didn't take very long to get out of the house once I was sure being there was not what I wanted. So I moved. However, further along in the process, there were appointments that needed to be made - mediators for example - that I dragged my feet on. In fact - I NEVER made that appt! And I didn't b/c I was having second thoughts.

So it may be that she is stalling b/c she is not sure of herself and her decisions at this point in the process.

Also how have Coach's family accepted you back in the family?

I remained in good standings with her family but I wqasn't the one to leave. My family will have a harder time embracing her again.
Thanks

Sadly, Coach's family has not accepted me in 22 years - and that was an issue that came out explosively when I left then came back. I don't know what his family thought about me leaving - his mother might have raised a glass or two However to your question, since his family never did consider me one of their own to begin with, there was no change either way when we reconciled. Both of my parents consider Coach their son and they have been very happy, relieved and warm with him since our reconciliation. I don't know if Coach has felt awkward - I don't know why he would since he wasn't the one who left - but all seems as loving as ever with him and my family.

I think the key is for others - our families - not to judge. The guest never knows as much as the host. We only show the world a bit of what our M are like - so one never knows. And judging is never a good idea. That's the advice I would give your family. Life gets messy sometimes - judge not lest ye be judged

Greek

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Thanks for the reply Greek.
I was thinking this whole ordeal could have been over and done with by now if she was so sure she wanted a D.
I do believe she felt the same way you did about leaving.
She just knew she had to get out from the R.

My follow up Q for you is then-

Once you decided to work on your R, what were your first actions?

Did you make the first move? If so what was it?

I don't know if you read my whole SIT but she did offer to take time off of work to watch the kids so I could go on my annaul fishing trip. I took this as a sign of friendship.
Why else would you offer such a thing?

I am trying not to get my hopes up. Just accepting it as a kind jesture.
keep in touch. thanks gr8

[Greek]

My follow up Q for you is then-

Once you decided to work on your R, what were your first actions?

Did you make the first move? If so what was it?

If I remember correctly, my first communication to Coach about reconciling was a text message that read "I miss us." And not long after that, something like "What will it take to put this back together." He, of course, did not answer me - ha! He only wrote back that we could talk about it, that he would be in touch about that. Total DB move - haha!

So I would say yes, I did make the first OVERT move - but he had been working the whole time to attract me, which was a whole move in itself.

Greek

[Coach]

If I remember correctly, my first communication to Coach about reconciling was a text message that read "I miss us." And not long after that, something like "What will it take to put this back together." He, of course, did not answer me - ha! He only wrote back that we could talk about it, that he would be in touch about that. Total DB move - haha!

You said you would do the work. One of the best days of my life.

So I would say yes, I did make the first OVERT move - but he had been working the whole time to attract me, which was a whole move in itself

It was a goal to get Greek to make the first move. I 180d what I wanted. Patience, wisdom, a open mind, detachment,and learn the moves. You can handle it.

cheers

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Good stuff G and C.

I am keeping my PMA going.

I dropped the kids off this morning and although our interaction was short, she had an upbeat tone in her voice.

Two weeks in a row she has been pleaseant and looking good in the morning. She sooo not a morning person.

I feel this nice weather we are having is doing something to her too.

more later.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Heard this tune today and made me think.

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
...People filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
The trust and self-assurance that can lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us,
Doesn't keep me warm

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, Baby
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down and hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you inside

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore