So, I have a txt message today from my W's cousin.
He tells me, that he's not willing to get involved in the unpleasant accusations between me and my W but that he's concerned for my health and well being. He asks me if I'm still doing therapy, etc. Basically he wants me to let him know how I'm doing.
I trust him but of course but, whatever I reply will definitely reach my W at some point.
I was thinking of replying:
I sincerely appreciate your concern for my well being. I'm happy to say I'm good. The therapy has helped me a lot and my health is also much better. I know this situation has been extremely unpleasant for all of us and I'm sorry for any discomfort that I may have caused to you and the family. You know I love and respect you all. All I can say is that I'm doing what I feel I need to do to fight for my marriage and protect my wife. Thank you for maintaining your objectivity and not getting involved. Love, F.
Last edited by FormelyknownasF; 04/08/1010:27 AM.
Separated: March 1 * Affair discovered: 20-March * Exposed: 27 March * Def. separation: May 1st *
So, I have a txt message today from my W's cousin.
It's touching that he is concerned for your health. At this point you I'd say be a little cautious about trusting him because he has not done anything to gain your trust. It is safer to err on the side of caution.
Originally Posted By: FormelyknownasF
I was thinking of replying:
I sincerely appreciate your concern for my well being. I'm happy to say I'm good. The therapy has helped me a lot and my health is also much better. I know this situation has been extremely unpleasant for all of us and I'm sorry for any discomfort that I may have caused to you and the family. You know I love and respect you all. All I can say is that I'm doing what I feel I need to do to fight for my marriage and protect my wife. Thank you for maintaining your objectivity and not getting involved.
I'd refrain from providing too much information at this point. The status of your therapy is personal and confidential.
My reply would be:
"Cousin, thanks for your concern. Surprisingly I've achieved clarity and I'm doing pretty well. Things are falling into place and I've found a new lease on life. I apologize for any discomfort you're feeling, however as you know I was not the instigator. We play the cards we are dealt. Thank you for your support and the stance you have taken."
The above message is vague and inspires curiosity. This is what you want in case it gets back to your W. You do not need to repeat that you are fighting for your marriage. You said this before. You do not need to repeat that you are fighting for your W. You have said that before too.
That's my take.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
Because of work I have to meet with a very good friend of my W next week. She's married. We used to go out a lot with them as couples. Now, both her husband know my wife's version of the separation.
She sent me an email saying that she just wanted to tell me that she expects that our meeting will be 100% about work because neither she or his husband want to be involve in whatever decision WE took (pls note the WE). She tells me they're both aware that I have been contacting family and close friends of my W (not true about the friends) to reveal "details" and personal stuff and that they're not interested.
She says they have appreciation for both of us independently and just don't want to get involved.
I'm wondering if at some point I should tell her that while I'm not interested in revealing any details I think it's fair for her to know that this is by no means is a decision WE took. It's entirely my wife's. I never had a say in this. And lastly, as a married woman, I want to ask her to understand. How would she feel if one day, out of the blue her husband tells her it's over? Wouldn't she fight for her marriage? Well, that's all I'm doing.
Does that sounds fair?
Separated: March 1 * Affair discovered: 20-March * Exposed: 27 March * Def. separation: May 1st *
Because of work I have to meet with a very good friend of my W next week. She's married. We used to go out a lot with them as couples. Now, both her husband know my wife's version of the separation.
She sent me an email saying that she just wanted to tell me that she expects that our meeting will be 100% about work because neither she or his husband want to be involve in whatever decision WE took (pls note the WE). She tells me they're both aware that I have been contacting family and close friends of my W (not true about the friends) to reveal "details" and personal stuff and that they're not interested.
She says they have appreciation for both of us independently and just don't want to get involved.
I'm wondering if at some point I should tell her that while I'm not interested in revealing any details I think it's fair for her to know that this is by no means is a decision WE took. It's entirely my wife's. I never had a say in this. And lastly, as a married woman, I want to ask her to understand. How would she feel if one day, out of the blue her husband tells her it's over? Wouldn't she fight for her marriage? Well, that's all I'm doing.
Does that sounds fair?
No it doesn't sound fair. You're rallying for support from friends on this and just as you saw with your wife's family, it doesn't work, it doesn't ever work. It's a very uncomfortable place to be in for them if they care about the both of you and if you're a friend you wouldn't want to make them feel uncomfortable. Trying to make others see your side of the story is controlling, let it be, be a good friend, don't make them uncomfortable. If they want to know more about the situation, let them ask you but don't force your version of the situation on them, as you can see, they've already too much and they don't like what they've heard thus far.
Let it be. Otherwise you risk losing more friends.
She sent me an email saying that she just wanted to tell me that she expects that our meeting will be 100% about work because neither she or his husband want to be involve in whatever decision WE took
She was your W's friend first and she has taken her side. Do not reply. At the meeting treat her cordially. No hugs, no kisses. If she wants business then treat her like you would any other person you do business with.
Originally Posted By: FormelyknownasF
She says they have appreciation for both of us independently
That is a lie and you know it. If she had appreciation for you then she would at least want to hear your side. They may not want to get involved and that's OK.
Originally Posted By: FormelyknownasF
I'm wondering if at some point I should tell her that while I'm not interested in revealing any details I think it's fair for her to know that this is by no means is a decision WE took. It's entirely my wife's. I never had a say in this. And lastly, as a married woman, I want to ask her to understand. How would she feel if one day, out of the blue her husband tells her it's over? Wouldn't she fight for her marriage?
It serves no purpose to provide your viewpoint. She and her H have made their decision. She has chosen your W's side. Defending yourself, pleading for understanding, trying to guilt her will create the perception of weakness and neediness. Every message that gets back through to your W should be one of "happy and enjoying life." You don't need to explain yourself to a stranger.
I'd suggest keeping to the agenda of the business meeting. When it is done, and just before you leave, look her squarely in the eye and say, "I'm disappointed in you. I always figured you for an unbiased and fair person who would listen to both sides and make an objective decision. I hope this does not extend to your work ethic." Then leave. You have nothing more to say. You do not need to explain yourself and you kept your word to keep the meeting business.
Oh, and no email reply necessary to assure her about anything.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
So, I have a txt message today from my W's cousin.
It's touching that he is concerned for your health. At this point you I'd say be a little cautious about trusting him because he has not done anything to gain your trust. It is safer to err on the side of caution.
Originally Posted By: FormelyknownasF
I was thinking of replying:
I sincerely appreciate your concern for my well being. I'm happy to say I'm good. The therapy has helped me a lot and my health is also much better. I know this situation has been extremely unpleasant for all of us and I'm sorry for any discomfort that I may have caused to you and the family. You know I love and respect you all. All I can say is that I'm doing what I feel I need to do to fight for my marriage and protect my wife. Thank you for maintaining your objectivity and not getting involved.
I'd refrain from providing too much information at this point. The status of your therapy is personal and confidential.
My reply would be:
"Cousin, thanks for your concern. Surprisingly I've achieved clarity and I'm doing pretty well. Things are falling into place and I've found a new lease on life. I apologize for any discomfort you're feeling, however as you know I was not the instigator. We play the cards we are dealt. Thank you for your support and the stance you have taken."
The above message is vague and inspires curiosity. This is what you want in case it gets back to your W. You do not need to repeat that you are fighting for your marriage. You said this before. You do not need to repeat that you are fighting for your W. You have said that before too.
That's my take.
Yes, this is much better, for the reasons Gno states.
