The next time he goes on a RANT about how much pain he's been in...
"I've felt in a lot of pain too... but I didn't LIE to you and mount someone behind your BACK to make ME feel better.. I got FAMLILY involved... YOU just HURT more people... I didn't HURT YOUR family or your kids, YOU DID"
"When you got hurt, you walked all over everyone, when I got hurt, I got everyone to stand up and HELP us... how am I the bad guy here? I think you are NOT even BOTHERING to think about how HURT your WIFE feels about you having SEX with another woman while SHE works to SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE buddy!"
Smiles all around here, again, Allen. You have a gift of nailing it. Not sure how you feel about God, but every night I pray for you and Puppy and all the others here giving of their time and love and wisdom. I am in awe that you can give of yourselves so much and yet still hold jobs AND maintain happy marriages - that YOU BUSTED yourselves.
Going to go take my motorcycle course now, get my license. Another step in becoming the ME I want to be. The free spirit I used to be before I became tied down and a slave to a family that I love to death... but just ate me alive. I BECAME the woman I was BECAUSE H abandoned me emotionally and left me to care for HIS children and not take ANY responsibility. IF he decides to work on the M, I WELCOME this new, take-charge man as it will take a HUGE load off. I haven't played my guitar or violin in YEARS and YEARS, I haven't written poetry for 10+ years, painted a picture (except for one for my stepmother) in 10+ years. Taken classes - I dropped out of school to care for his children with only three classes left to graduate and apply to vet school... I did that FOR HIM and because I love these children with all my heart and soul. I was honor roll in Biology and Chemistry - national honors plus I tutored. I am GOOD at these things and I LOVE them, but I felt so kept and I now feel free.
If this is all ended well - or even if it doesn't, I think I'll paint a picture for MIL/FIL to say thanks. It's the one thing I can give from my heart and soul to them to show them just an ounce of my gratitude.
The free spirit I used to be before I became tied down and a slave to a family that I love to death... but just ate me alive. I BECAME the woman I was BECAUSE H abandoned me emotionally and left me to care for HIS children and not take ANY responsibility. IF he decides to work on the M, I WELCOME this new, take-charge man as it will take a HUGE load off. I haven't played my guitar or violin in YEARS and YEARS, I haven't written poetry for 10+ years, painted a picture (except for one for my stepmother) in 10+ years. Taken classes - I dropped out of school to care for his children with only three classes left to graduate and apply to vet school... I did that FOR HIM and because I love these children with all my heart and soul. I was honor roll in Biology and Chemistry - national honors plus I tutored. I am GOOD at these things and I LOVE them, but I felt so kept and I now feel free.
THis is your mirror of his rant this afternoon.
But if you compare those two, and look at what YOU've been doing over the past few weeks and what HE's been doing over the past few weeks...
He just looks like a complete a$$
His arguments earlier only carry weight if YOU have been on cloud nine for the last three years and have given up nothing.
The fact is, you both made a lot of sacrifices.. but you aren't miserable about yours, even NOW.. HE feels entitled to be both miserable and to HURT people because HE was in PAIN.. the same PAIN you were in.
Funny, for three years he felt so lousy, but he never gave one thought to the possibility that his wife might feel something was lost in the marriage too...
This guy needs some serious humbling.. he seems to think he is the only one in the world who hurts right now.
I would work on that paragraph you have above and expand on how much YOU have sacrificed over the many years with your H so HE can maybe see that HE is not the ONLY one who feels HURT right now.
We had that little argument tonight... what makes up a serial cheater. I said, I don't know, you cheated three times in two Ms that I know of, how do you define it? Five times? Eight?
Anyway, I came home from my class tonight and told him the following: 1. I am NOT ready to give up on us, although I am fine with scrapping the old M (symbolically) 2. I am NOT giving up the kids, the house or the dogs. 3. I want to start dating and see how it goes. 4. I will start counseling if he desires, and I would like it if he went with me once or twice to fill them in on his side.
Now, I know it's a R talk and I know it was not well received. He tried to bait me twice and I didn't fall for it. However, I needed to get that out because tomorrow while I'm learning to drive the motorcycle, he will be at MIL's house filling her in on the "rest" of the story about me. He told her she does NOT have the full story about me. She's prepared to repeat the request/demand that he go to counseling and give me/the M another chance. However, the story he gave her was that "we had spoken and came to the conclusion that it's pretty much not able to come back." Well, I had never said that and I needed to make sure my position was CLEAR before he went over there.
So, I told him I wanted a monogamous relationship and another chance, starting with dating. He said "who are you going to ask about that? ME?" I said yes, of course, I'd have to believe him. (I know guys, I was just avoiding the bait.)
He seemed angry or at least shut off during this convo, as you can imagine... but then we were in the kitchen and he asked about the class and seemed genuinely interested in what happened. (babystep) He asked lots of questions and when he asked what I planned to do with the license (since we can't afford to buy me a motorcycle) I told him I had planned on renting one and going up north to camp in the mountains. He got a bit excited and said, xxx rents cycles and my brother told me I could always borrow his. Bike camping is the best because it's just you and the bike..." Then he kind of realized he was making future plans with me (I think, from his expression) and shut up.
This doesn't strike me as a "R" talk. You were making clear what your position is after he has tried many ways to justify his distructive behavior. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. He knows deep down that he is wrong so he has to try to make himself right by telling everyone who will listen "his side".
Your MIL sounds like a great lady who won't fall for his line of BS especially when she has been through it with him before. And I'm sure you'll know what he's said before he gets home. Who knows, she may have him talked into Retro while he's over there.
Be patient and try not to push. The best thing you can do right now is take care of yourself. Work on the 180's but don't pay attention to his reaction. It has to be about you, not him. It takes time for him to give up the fantasy he's built up in his mind.
