OK, posting babysteps here in one place so I can remember:
H showed interest in my activity (motorcycle class) H did a little spur of the minute future planning (trip to mtns) H and I ML two times recently H has begun sleeping with his body touching me H held me (had been drinking) last night H and I have been watching tv in bed and laughing together (instrumental in getting us together in the first place) H began telling me where he is going and how long he'll be
H is clearly uncomfortable with talk of intimacy with me. I suspect it's too close and too raw. Although he's portraying himself as having moved on, I still believe he's too new to breaking off the A. He's still deluded. Also, he told MIL that he and OW had plans in two years when the kids are grown and out of high school to reunite, so in his head, it's not over between him and OW, although she is going under the pretense of working on her M.
Am I deluding myself guys? I'm not asking IF he will come back obviously, but rather - is it hopeless? Am I letting the negativity affect me, or is this situation hopeless?
Thank you Saffie. I can deal with anything that gets thrown at me. Hate, anger, made up stories, even occasional ML without confusion... it's the hopelessness that I don't know how to combat and contend with. I've been through ILYBNILWY - you're like a sister, not a lover... this OP is my soul mate. I've fought it all and won... hopelessness, I'm lost without hope - and how to combat the lack of it.
The situation is far from hopeless. Your H is still in the house and still in your bed. Untangling your situation is going to be a nightmare - especially with bankruptcy looming; will that affect both of you or just you?
Look at the practical side of things. Hopefully R with OW is over from her side of things - particularly if she was a gold digger. Now it will take time for your H to withdraw and come back to you.
Whatever the arguments are about expose or not to expose - you have done it and now you have to deal with the consequences.
Personally I am not sure you need to keep up such a hard line as Puppy and Allen advocate. I totally agree with them that I would be clear and a complete harda$$ about NC with OW, but I think that you need to let your H see the good points in you too, in order to draw him back in to you. Remember 180's on how you acted before......and remember that you can't control him.
There will be lots of bluster from him and that will leave you very unsettled, but where else has he got to go at the moment? Where else has he got to go in the near future? This long term plan re when the children leave HS is just pie in the sky and his feelings will have changed long before then.
You cannot control him, so now I think you can only show you are the better option. Laughter, shared memories, and good sex are great healing cement. Show him what he would be missing out on. And hopefully whilst doing that your PMA will get better and better and that always makes one more attractive.
Each situation is different and for each sitch a different combination of skill sets is required.
Personally I also think your H needs to see some respect coming through to him. It seems to be something that has been sorely lacking in your M. Obviously NOT for the fact that he has cheated.....but can't you find other things to respect him for - you can be sure OW made him feel respected.....even though she knew he was a cheater.
First and foremost though, look after yourself now and control any outbursts you may feel coming along.
Have you ever heard of the book No MOre Mr NIce Guy. In your sitch it might be a good idea if YOU read it. i think a lot of it might apply to your H, but this might not be the time to have HIM read it.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
1. Your H is just spewing Wayward Script and your in laws. You need to prep them for that.. Show them Divorce Remedy and how close what your H is saying is to the Scirpt in the book.
I will look up the page numbers in DR for you, but MWD explicitly says to ignore it and that what he SAYs is merely an indication of how emotional he is right now. It cannot be taken LITERALLY.
I mean seriously, he says to his parents you two are just friends, but he likely didn't mention he's having sex with you now did he? DO you think he skippped that part?
If he didn't mention that, hes lying to his parents and THEY dont' have an informed postition.. so you can ignore any of THEIR conclusions.
2. You need to as was said, calm down and NOT let his WORDS affect you. Monitor what he's DOING ONLY.
Am I deluding myself guys? I'm not asking IF he will come back obviously, but rather - is it hopeless? Am I letting the negativity affect me, or is this situation hopeless?
YOU are the hope HE needs to see right now. YOU are the one to set an EXAMPLE for HIM to follow.
Don't feed of his hopelessness, SHARE YOUR HOPE with HIM ...
Don't over-involve the in-laws. They are on your side, but they can't and won't control him. The battle will not be won in their living room. If he is willing to stay for 2 years, then you have time to make an effort to make life at home pleasant enough that he will want to stay. Many things can happen to that other relationship in that time that will make it less appealing. Keep working on yourself. Start working on dropping some of that excess weight. Keep up the sex life. Spice it up. My H's OW lost the battle in my bedroom. Yours can too.
