F, for now there is nothing more you can do. You cannot control her. What I can guarantee you is this: "You have not heard the last from her." That I can guarantee 299%.
In the meantime the only thing in your control is to live your life for yourself. Work on your career and on making yourself happy. What usually happens is: the moment you are ready to "drop the rope" and move on with your life without her... that's when the WAW makes an appearance, just to stir the pot and pull you back into her mess. When that time comes... you will have a clear mind and will be able to decide if she is worth your time or not.
So, do what you need to do to detach and let go of the outcome. If you're a religious man, pray and turn her over to God. Leave her in His care while you work on yourself.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
F, for now there is nothing more you can do. You cannot control her. What I can guarantee you is this: "You have not heard the last from her." That I can guarantee 299%.
In the meantime the only thing in your control is to live your life for yourself. Work on your career and on making yourself happy. What usually happens is: the moment you are ready to "drop the rope" and move on with your life without her... that's when the WAW makes an appearance, just to stir the pot and pull you back into her mess. When that time comes... you will have a clear mind and will be able to decide if she is worth your time or not.
So, do what you need to do to detach and let go of the outcome. If you're a religious man, pray and turn her over to God. Leave her in His care while you work on yourself.
Great advice, Gno. And so hard for us to do as men. We are naturally "fixers," and problem-solvers. But you're absolutely right.
And so hard for us to do as men. We are naturally "fixers," and problem-solvers.
It IS HARD, and it's the one of the most difficult things to do. F, this is grueling experience talking. The words are easy to say... and even though your mind knows it... it is a mission to get your heart to comply.
And this issue is not only limited to men. Women have the save problem.
The fastest way I've found to get there is to throw yourself into your work, sports, gym and social activities. The downtime when you're alone and your mind is left to wonder is a killer.
This quote from the movie The Shawshank Redemption sums it all up very nicely: You can get busy LIVING or you can get busy dying
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
Hey there F. Even though I haven't posted here before, I have been following your story since you started and I can tell you that you are doing an awesome job. I must say that at times I found myself pretty emotional about your situation. It's never easy seeing someone go through such a heavy time.
The other posters are right when they say that she will contact. I know from experience. When my WAW first left and I found out she had another man, I told her I didn't want to ever speak to her again. And I meant it. Well she couldn't help it. She phoned me, texted me, and I ignored her. She got upset about it and started calling me a wimp etc but I didn't take the bait. Needless to say, all the advice you have heard is true in many situations. Yes she got nasty and then she got nice. All manipulative tactics that never worked with me.
Although she is not asking me to get back with her, I know she wouldn't anyway. She is too proud and insecure to risk a rejection.
That being said, I just wanted to show from my experience that when you shut the door on her access to you, all of a sudden there is a curiosity inside her that stirs and wonders how you are. Her love for you may even form in her once again, but don't revolve your life around that hope.
Gnosis is right.."get busy living" (that has been my favourite quote for years).
Keep pushing through mate, you are doing brilliantly.
M=31 W=27 S=10 T=8
First bomb: May 2002 Separated, got back together October 2002. Second bomb: May 2009 Separated May 10 2009
F, you are doing so good with this DB thing. Most posters here did not get on the stick as fast as you did.
In fact, there are so many still here who ask for advice, ad nauseum, and won't take it; then come back whining some more, more advice ignored....
I quit reading their threads because it is so painful to see all the good advice be ignored, along with the inevitable excuses and back-sliding.
I mean, really, no one said this would be easy. It's the hardest thing I ever did, and my M was not saved. Yours may not be saved either, but you will be ok.
And you will be ok because you at least tried to save your marriage. You will be ok because you are not some lying, cheating, betrayer who is caught up in some lame-@ss new-agey bullsh!t. You will be ok because you are not trying to justify some sh!tty bevavior.
Reporting from abroad. All good. It was supposed to be a business trip but it turned out to be a holiday. 5 Stars hotel, great restaurants, lots of partying. Traveling around different countries. All round a great adventure paid by my client.
So this all has helped me. I haven't obsessed about my W and what she's been up to. I haven't checked her FB since I'm here. Sometimes I get pretty anxious but I just go for a walk, find something interesting to do, etc
I've been getting LOTS of female attention. I think I'm doing ok but I do have to say that I feel really guilty about flirting with them. I still love my W. I can't change that and sometimes I have this stupid guilt as if I was cheating on her, about not being able to see her in the eye, etc and I forget she already cheated on me.
I guess I'm just being careful of not making a stupid mistake just to "even things". Although lots of people have suggested that I do that. It'd only make feel bad, I think.
Overall, I'm good. No word from her of course but I'm good.
Separated: March 1 * Affair discovered: 20-March * Exposed: 27 March * Def. separation: May 1st *
