Should I Tell Her to Move On???

[timehealsall]

Her head is in another place right now. You are in limbo my friend.

Welcome to LimboLand!

I have been at it for as long as you.

Ultimately you have to decide what you want to do.

You obviously want to be with her and you want this M.. but she is not there.. no one knows if she will be.

Keep getting advice and keep working on you.. that's what I'm doing. I want my M but at the same time, I don't want to be miserable and unhappy.. so instead, I'm giving myself the gift of time to work out MY issues and to make myself stronger and happy and to focus on ME, because if H doesn't come around and we do go ahead with a D, I need to be ready for that and part of me isn't ready to push for that just yet. Does that make sense?

[gr8 day 2B alive]

This does make sense and after reading Britts success story it really made me think about turning points. I have been GAL and working on my self and which I feel I have been doing a good job.

I feel good about my changes and want to share them when W, or some other women. If she decides to move forward with D then I am OK with it. It will determine which way I go in life.

I am at the point where I need to know something, anything about the R or my W's feelings?

I am not going to sit around while she goes out and parties it up with her new find friends.

Do I wait for her to contact me about the post nupt agreement that she stated we need or do I contact her to show her I'm OK with it and think it's a good idea?
I have been weighing the pros/cons.

[mza8]

Hi Gr8,

Just wanted to check in and offer my thoughts. Let me ask you a question. Do you think that your W leaving for this trip and your wanting to "move on" are related? It's just my observation but you seemd to be willing to remain patient a couple of weeks ago when you were seeing some positive signs from your W. Now, all of a sudden, you are tired of waiting for what you want to see from her and now you want to move on. I think you are so worried about your W's trip that you think you need to take action. Just be sure to ask yourself what you truly want here.

I agree with timehealsall. I also think you still want to save your M. My other observation is that YOU are saying what YOU want. YOU want more communication, YOU want better interaction, YOU want her to talk to you when she calls to wish the kids goodnight. You've been doing great lately being patient and looking at things through your W's eyes and what SHE wants right now.

It is up to you what you want to do and when you feel you want to move in another direction. I would suggest that you give yourself a couple of days to let the emotions go and really think about what you want. If it's your M, and I believe that it is, then get back on track and continue to be upbeat with your W, GAL, stop dwelling on every little interaction and what it means. You are driving yourself crazy going back and analyzing if your W's recent positive signs are true or not. The fact is you don't know for sure, but she doesn't have to be positive, she could be negative every time she interacts with you. By her being positive, she is choosing this behavior, she is choosing to be nice and positive.

In regards to wondering why she hasn't brought up the post nuptial agreement, I would offer you reread what Greek posted to you earlier.

posted by Greek

"Everything I did, I did b/c I felt sure of the move. The things I didn't do were indications of doubt. As an example, I didn't take very long to get out of the house once I was sure being there was not what I wanted. So I moved. However, further along in the process, there were appointments that needed to be made - mediators for example - that I dragged my feet on. In fact - I NEVER made that appt! And I didn't b/c I was having second thoughts.

So it may be that she is stalling b/c she is not sure of herself and her decisions at this point in the process."

There you go Gr8, straight from someone who was where your W is now. I agree with Greek that I don't think your W is 100% sure what she wants right now. Why would you push her in that direction when it's clearly not what you want? Patience man, patience. I know is sucks to continue on the patience route but keep plugging away.

In my last update I wrote how my W cried when we listed our house for sale. After my W left, my agent told me a lot of positive things that my W has been saying about me. She told me that me that when my W talked to her over a month ago, that my W couldn't say 3 words without bursting into tears. The agent told me that for the past couple of weeks my W has been singing my praises about how I am doing a good job on the house, etc. Here's the best part, the agent told me that my W said that W and I are "coming along now" and "are getting in a better place". Coincidentally the agent is also in a separation and a few years older than my W. We talked for over an hour and she told me that what I'm doing is definitely having a positive affect on my W. She said that her recent conversations with my W give her every reason to believe this will work out.

Gr8, I guess the point I am trying to make is this really does take every bit of patience and self control that we can muster. WE don't know what's going on in our W's mind. I knew things have gotten better with my W but I had no idea that she also feels things are getting better until this agent told me. Right now our W's aren't there yet with giving us this info but that doesn't mean they're not thinking it. Look at Glimmerman's sitch. His W recently told him that she is willing to work on their M but needs to see more consistency from him. His W also wanted out but now she is starting to come around. Glimmerman has achieved this by being patient, giving his W space, not making this about him and what he wants but instead seeing things through his W's eyes before he does something in the M now.

Be sure what you want, ask yourself quesitons to make sure of your reasons for doing things, and look in the mirror to see if what you're doing is for your W or for YOU.

You have my support my friend!

[gr8 day 2B alive]

mza,
Thanks for the insightful, detailed oriented post.

Over the past week my W's trip has been on my mind and causing me to think the worst. On top of that I see Britt's post on success and though I am happy to see things work out for her, I get frustrated b/c we have been at this much longer than some folks here and they are the ones reconciling.

It's like when your fishing for hours upon hours and don't get a bite, then some kids comes up casts right next to you and pulls in a fish.

I want nothing more then to be with my W.

Thank you for reminding me about greeks post, it doe seem to fit my situation right now in the process. When W knew she needed to move out she did so. Now when she thinks she needs to have an agreement in place she's not so sure about that.

Two days ago I was sure Iwas going to say something about the agreement to my W, but now I'm not too sure if that would be the best thing AT THIS TIME.

That's why I started the new post for the Veterans about the turning point. It's does seem that when the LBS finally says to the WAS that they are ready to move on that's when things start to change.

I just feel that my current sitch isn't moveing either way.

I will take a few days to calm my emotions and make a rational decision when the time comes.
Tomorrows phone session can't get here fast enough.

Thanks again for the post it inspired me today to remain patience.

Sometimes all we need is a nice post from a fellow DBer.

TTYS

[Ken62]

Hey gr8,

Just wanted to say that I agree to NOT bring up the agreement with your W. I believe in what Greek had to say.

I also wanted to thank you for starting the new thread because I did choose to do just that because I was tired of being treated likea "gay boyfriend" by my W while she is having her EA turned PA before the D is final. Haven't heard anything from her since sending the text and don't know if I will and thatis fine because I believe that she is seriously messed up and does not see that she is doing anything wrong.

I know you love your W and that it is hard to be patient but if there is no A then I think you at least have a better chance than I do at this point. I'm moving on because I deserve better and I believe my kids think that I deserve better and I'm going to start living for me. If W came around I don't know what I would do at that point but I would definitely come to this board and ask for advice instead of doing anything stupid, so my advice to you is to keep coming here when things get tough. Journal here, vent here and I wish you the best of luck.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Thanks for the post ken.

I will continue to remain patience and not bring up the agreement.
When and if she is ready it will happen. I won't give her a reason to rush into something like that.

However if she gets natsy towards me and says negative things to me I will express my feelings about the whole matter.

I am sorry things are no looking good for you. continue to post and help others here. I do plan to stay around here for better or worse and provide what I have learned to newbies.

I have a hunch there will we an endless supply of them.

[timehealsall]

Another thing,

you NEED this time to better yourself.. to get strong for what's to come.. Whether it be R with your W (where you'll need to stick to and continue DBing and not backslide too badly) or if your wife comes back and does take the initiative to get a D.. either way, there's a long road ahead that you'll need to be of sound mind for.

Patience is a b1tch, ain't it?

Hang in there..

[gr8 day 2B alive]

you NEED this time to better yourself.. to get strong for what's to come..

I thought I was there last week in that I am ready to accept either outcome.

I thought 8 months was plenty of time for me to fix myself.

I want the M to work but understand if I'm not given the chance.

Either way the things I learned here will provide me success in my next R- with or w/o W.


Patience- I need to stop by the hospital on my way home and get some more.

[timehealsall]

You can't put a time limit on these type of things. Some take weeks or months or years...

obviously, any backslides along the way, prolongs the process.

You're obviously not fixed because you are still worrying about what the W is doing and what she is thinking.

You need to put that energy into yourself.

Worry about you. I know it's not easy.. but just try!

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Worry about you. I know it's not easy.. but just try

I think I'm worrying about me too much.

Being in limbo I want to know what's going to happen to me and my kids.
This meeting would at least give me some indication of what to expect. Good or Bad.

Do I sell the house or not? is my biggest concern.

Thanks, for the view points.