I think your kids are old enough to sit wtih you and you can confront him as a family. This is SERIOUS.
Next time he is out late drinking I would have allt hree of you waiting at home for him to come back and all three of you confront him when he comes in the door.
And his feelings for her are NOT real.
Infidelity uses lies, covert activity, the excitement of the forbidden... these are stimulants to EXCITE him... not to mention himself plying himself with alcohol.
If you take these items out of the cocktail mix then he has no feelings for her... its just excitement... and now an addiction as well.
This is the same thing married people do when sex life gets hum drum... They change what they do to get excitement into their relatinoship again and stimulate things for themselves again.
That is NOT love they are looking for when they do that, its EXCITEMENT.. adrenaline and all those other brain chemicals as you like to call it.
His LOVE is for YOU - period. He is confusing excitement with "love"
Partially this has to do with the myriad of meanings north american culture applies to teh term "love", but I won't go into that...
He is excited by her (and he artificially stimulates that), but he loves you.
God would have me be firm, keep to the law, and be loving. Be ready to accept true remorse and asking for forgiveness, but not accept any BS. He also would not condone or help along the person doing wrong.
I will not do his laundry, shopping, cooking, etc while he is doing these things to me. This is a start. Have to continue to think this through.
I will let him know this afternoon at lunch (in a few minutes) that I will not condone him destroying two families the way he is and I want accountability for his actions and whereabouts.
I would confront him WITH his family there, He needs to SEE that YOU are not the ONLY one hurt here.
That is a big part of the problem. He seems to think that his choices only hurt YOU.
Until his family confronts him as a group he is goign to continue singling YOU out as the recipient of the damage and to his mind he doens't care enough if its just you... his addiction has the better of him right now. He may be remorseful, but he needs more incentive to fight an addiction than just you asking not to do this.
And I forgot to mention this, but pup was spot on with him getting aggressive initially.
This is a CLASSIC tactic to avoid consequences.
"If I go IN the house calm and casual, SHE will be FURIOUS and BLAST me, but if I go in the house ALREADY angry, she' try to calm me down..."
This is a classic tactic people learn by the age of twelve.. I tried this with my parents when I was that young. Don't let him fool you with his macho crap. He crossed the line and you need to throw some SERIOUS consequences at him.
This is a negotiation and consequences are your leverage here. If you have none , you need to find some. Texting OWH is a start, but if I were you I would drive right over to the house WITH your two kids and have a chat with OW and her husband.
Your husband needs to SEE what happens when HE crosses the line... and him having to wash his own damn underwear is NOT a consequence.
God would have me be firm, keep to the law, and be loving. Be ready to accept true remorse and asking for forgiveness, but not accept any BS. He also would not condone or help along the person doing wrong.
That sounds like a pretty great standard to me, Pass.
I would confront him WITH his family there, He needs to SEE that YOU are not the ONLY one hurt here.
That is a big part of the problem. He seems to think that his choices only hurt YOU.
I agree with Allen on this, but I would NOT do it -- as he recommended above -- when he walks thru the door and has been drinking and is already drunk. THAT is a recipe for a family disaster of epic proportions.
The next day, or soon thereafter, preferably with the assistance of a professional intervention counselor as facilitator, would be best.
Hmmm, DSD is very strong willed and mouthy. She'd protect me and the M to the ends of the earth. That may be fun... but I'd really have to think about the consequences to her. They already have been abused much of their life, I don't want to do anything that's not in their best interest first.
The day after is fine... lock teh hosue down like you suggested pup, and when he comes home the next day then or something.
I just figured if his kids SAW him coming home drunk it might wake them up to how real and serious this is for them too... I know they are kids, but its these times when it sgood for them to learn what being an adult means... and confronting a wayward family member is good growing up trainign for them... better now than when they are married and their spouse is out on the town who knows where...
I just figured if his kids SAW him coming home drunk it might wake them up to how real and serious this is for them too... I know they are kids, but its these times when it sgood for them to learn what being an adult means... and confronting a wayward family member is good growing up trainign for them... better now than when they are married and their spouse is out on the town who knows where...
Yep. And that's what the security system alarm is for.
