I'm contemplating reaching out to see if I can defuse this before it gets very ugly and unstoppable. As long as I maintain my boundaries, what do I have to lose?
She will see my reaching out as weakness, but that's just her perception. My kids are what's important, and if I can convince her I will negotiate with her in good faith, and cooperate with her as a coparent, perhaps she'll back down, and I can avoid a very long, painful, and expensive process, for everyone involved, including the kids.
She doesn't want to be ignored, so I'll give her what she wants.
Good idea. You might want to ask her why she wants custody and try to be as nice as you can be until the papers are signed. Then if the judge sees you have tried, maybe it will clarify the custody issue better.
That's what I think I'm going to do. Three nice e-mails, offering to give him what he wants in terms of the settlement (which is more than I think he should have, but its worth it to me to get out of this). I've received nasty, explosive e-mails back about wanting "war", and so if it gets ugly, I'll have that in writing, and I'm going to ask for attorney fees as part of the settlement...to show it was him being vindictive and not because he wasn't getting a fair deal.
I feel like that old camp song about Bunny Foo Foo---I'll give you THREE chances and if you don't be good, I'll turn you into a goon!
Future, at this point it is not about DB'ing really. Maybe we should all try a bit more honesty sometimes.? I know that when we are deep in the LRT and we think we might have a chance we get kinda stuck in this thinking that being dark and defending boundaries is the way to go. But as the sitch stretches on LRT is no longer doing a bit of good. Maybe approach it like this,
"Wife, I know I have been cold but I wanted my time to get over you. Can we deal with the custody issue like the great parents that we are so that the kids do not get hurt? I don't want my children to resent their mother for taking their Father away from them."
Maybe others can help edit this to suit you better. You are a good guy future, you will do alright!
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
I've received nasty, explosive e-mails back about wanting "war", and so if it gets ugly, I'll have that in writing, and I'm going to ask for attorney fees as part of the settlement...to show it was him being vindictive and not because he wasn't getting a fair deal.
Wow, not smart of him to put that in writing. One of the things the courts look for regarding custody is which partner is more amenable to working together.
I have an e-mail where my W told me I wasn't welcome at my daughter's parent teacher conference. Won't look good for her.
As I review all the e-mails I sent her, they are all civil, positive, and show cooperation regarding the kids. I don't know what she can point to to say I'm impossible to work with.
Future, at this point it is not about DB'ing really. Maybe we should all try a bit more honesty sometimes.? I know that when we are deep in the LRT and we think we might have a chance we get kinda stuck in this thinking that being dark and defending boundaries is the way to go. But as the sitch stretches on LRT is no longer doing a bit of good. Maybe approach it like this,
"Wife, I know I have been cold but I wanted my time to get over you. Can we deal with the custody issue like the great parents that we are so that the kids do not get hurt? I don't want my children to resent their mother for taking their Father away from them."
Maybe others can help edit this to suit you better. You are a good guy future, you will do alright!
Thanks so much v1olin. I agree, this isn't about DBing anymore. That's over with now. I did my best and this is where it got me. W's mother tonight was saying how W has always had a tendancy to attack when feeling guilt. Don't I know it!
Nice to know W's mother is still rooting for me. She doesn't think it will do any good to reach out to my W, but she said "why not, you've got nothing to lose." My position is to maintain the 50/50 custody, and she agrees with that.
No problem I do wish that I was dealing with a MIL like yours though! My MIL is all about making her daughter happy. "Whatever makes you happy" seems to be her answer to my wife for this whole mess. I have come to this conclusion myself recently- "DB'ing is over, my wife is a lost cause but I am not."
Me 35 Wife 34 Two daughters 8 years and 3 years Bomb 3/30/09 W filed 4/16/09 We met in'92 married in 2000 Divorce final
After what my MIL said, I'm wondering if W trying to get full custody of the kids is some desperate act to push me out of her life so she can avoid the real consequences of her actions. She now sees that I'm moving on and that she has no control over me anymore. She now sees a future where we have to share the kids and she will have to live with them having new experiences, meeting new people, and living half their lives outside of her view. This is causing her unbearable anxiety, and the only solution is to get complete control of them. The fact that it would hurt me horribly is meaningless to her. This is all my fault anyway, so I deserve it.
Had a meeting with my atty this afternoon. He said it's extremely unlikely this will go to trial, and that the court will likely maintain the verbal agreement we've been living under for over a year. I'm still worried, but less so. If she was going to go for full custody, pretty stupid of her to leave the kids with me for two and a half weeks right before filing!
Violin, you are really right. We all need to get through this as best as we can so we can be good parents to our kids and move on. In IC today, I told my counselor that I can only remember the times my H was a complete prick in our marriage--that I can't remember anything good about it. But I know that will change. The goal is to get through the D with as little collateral damage as possible and to act like grown ups! (Even if we don't always feel that way). Future, sounds like you see a good future ahead of you! I'm glad the atty doesn't think this will go to trial!
I do wish that I was dealing with a MIL like yours though! My MIL is all about making her daughter happy. "Whatever makes you happy" seems to be her answer to my wife for this whole mess. I have come to this conclusion myself recently- "DB'ing is over, my wife is a lost cause but I am not."