I didn't do such a good job of it last night! Man, it never fails ... I remind myself about the bungee effect and "prepare" for it and it still hurts anyway. After having a great weekend H went to his brother's to sleep on Sunday. Over the last couple of weeks I've noticed that he hasn't been wearing his wedding ring, he's left it on the kitchen windowsill but always with other jewellry - his watch or one of his other rings or one of his leather bracelets. Last night he got a couple of magnetic bracelets that he ordered from ebay and then put on all his jewellry EXCEPT his wedding band. Felt like a slap in the face but I did not react. I'm pretty sure if you asked him he might not even think I noticed.
The kids didn't sleep well Sunday night so he asked if I wanted him to come home after he worked last night and I said it was up to him, but of course I would appreciate it. About an hour after he left I had computer problems and gave him a quick call at work - no answer, and on his cell - no answer ... so I left a message. Of course my mind starts to wander but I vented a bit in a journal and then let it go. His cell doesn't get reception at his work and for all I know he could've been out for a smoke. I heard him come in when he came back and he came down to the bedroom to get a blanket I asked how that went and he said he was nearly done of the project - and mentioned that he got the message when he left but it was too late to call. He went to the couch and at 3am he woke having a coughing fit, I went out to see if I could help - he couldn't catch his breath or anything. Got him his allergy meds and a drink and went back to bed.
On another note, this Friday marks the one year anniversary of my neices death and I am having a hard time getting through the days ... last night he did hug me when he saw me crying and he knew it was about her. At first the hug felt kinda light but he gave me a squeeze at the end.
I am working really hard at remembering to "only believe 1/2 of what you see and none of what you hear".
We have our second appt with the MC this week and I'm going to be surprised if he's done the "homework" she assigned. Man, I wish I could afford a trip to see Michele ...
On one hand yesterday feels like a failure because I spent a lot of it consumed and worked up ... on the other hand it feels like a success because he didn't see any of it and I managed to go for a walk and be happy and pleasant to be around.
One day at a time ....
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
"On one hand yesterday feels like a failure because I spent a lot of it consumed and worked up ... on the other hand it feels like a success because he didn't see any of it and I managed to go for a walk and be happy and pleasant to be around."
You did fine!!!
Try not to worry about the ring too much! Good job for not reacting!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Thanks CW ... the "not reacting" is actually getting easier and easier. I can't wait until I don't have to even think about it, but for now I'm glad that I don't have to physically bite my tongue to keep my mouth shut
I'm really putting the GAL, 180s and Acting AS IF into play ... focus on being the best, most authentic ME I can be and challenge the way he sees me.
At MC last week she asked us what drew us together in the first place and he said a few things and then we ended up moving on to something else ... I'm thinking that I should make sure I get to say my bit this week. Also, one of the things he said in MC was that he just wants to be happy - when she asks how our week was should I say "It was nice to see H being happy?" and then give a few times .... honestly, if you were to peek in our house you wouldn't even know anything was going on most times. We get along great, there is no fighting or even stress most of the time, we're playing and having fun with the kids ... what do y'll think?
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Hey cw ... meant to ask, how did your talk with Cheryl go?
So I was having a rotten morning thinking about yesterday and I decided to make today better. Last week I asked H to take S4 to an appt today and then I left it alone. That is definitely doing-something-different as far as I am concerned. Last night he asked what time he was supposed to be there and I told him and then left it at that.
Today, about a 1/2 hour before the appt I had an almost overwhelming urge to call him and, since I couldn't outright remind him, try to somehow passive aggressively bring it up or say "have fun" or something to make sure he remembered. Well, it took everything I had but I didn't do it. And I made it through.
The sky didn't fall, the world didn't end.
And then, to push myself even more and to make sure I was truly doing-something-different (or 180 - whichever) I didn't call afterwards to see how (or if!!) it went. I just sat and waited. I acted AS IF he remembered, AS IF I had no doubt he would and AS IF he must be really busy at work and I'd get an update at home this evening. And then ... YAY ... HE called ME with an update. Not only did he remember, they got along great, and then he took S4 out for lunch, something he commented on - he doesn't think they've ever done that before, just the two of them.
Baby steps. Noticing the little things. Breathe.
Last edited by PEImom_of_3; 04/20/1006:15 PM.
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
WOW! I went to a meeting last night (the company that I work with part time has money business seminars weekly and then we do some training afterwards) and I hadn't been there in a while. I forgot just how positive and solution oriented the people there are. Positive and motivational and all about taking responsibility for yourself and your success. They are talking business but it applies to all facets of your life. Afterwards I went home in such a positive space ... H and I watched Lost and had some snacks then I went to bed and read for a while. If anyone out there hasn't read "This Isn't The Story You Think It Is: A Season of Unlikely Happiness" by Laura Munson ... run, don't walk, to your nearest bookstore to buy it and savour every word. What a great day to be alive!
Don't wish it was easier; wish you were better. Don't wish for less problems; wish for more skills. Don't wish for less challenges; wish for more wisdom. ~ Jim Rohn
Have a fantastic day!
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
I am working really hard at remembering to "only believe 1/2 of what you see and none of what you hear".
Wow, does that hit home! Add that to the ever growing list of lessons I'm going to put into play.
I'm almost glad to read what you & confusedwife wrote. Part of me feels bad for this ending, I still love the man I married, but he's just not that person anymore. And you're right, it's not my fault & I can't make him change back. If that man ever shows back up, I'd have a hard time saying "no". But I'm pretty sure that is never going to happen & I do not want what we've been doing for the past few years.
I thought I was alone feeling that duality. It feels...wrong somehow. Like it's UCL, but with conditions--the conditions being that he stay the same. But that's not it at all, is it?
I think you are doing great with the detachment, it's so hard. But like Laura Munson said in her article...don't take it personally. And that really is different from not accepting responsibility for my actions, but we can only control our happiness, and it's not our fault if they blame us for their not finding theirs.
I wish you both well in this. Keep posting, we can keep learning from each other. :o)
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
Hugs shelbel ... I just caught up with your sitch ... so sad. My H is nowhere near as violently angry as yours, mine is more empty, lost and tired. If you can get your hands on Laura's book, do it! I'm about 1/2 way through and I feel lighter.
I hope and pray everyday that H finds his way, and I'm learning and dealing with the fact that it's HIS way and I can't lead him to it. And that sucks. Really sucks. I adore my husband, he is a great father, husband and friend and right now he's got my compassion and unconditional love while he figures this out. Does it mean I'll be a doormat while he does? Nope. Does it mean I'll wait forever for him to learn about personal peace and taking responsibility for one's own happiness and contentment? Nope to that too.
You can love your H unconditionally. You just don't have to put up with his abusive behaviour unconditionally. In fact, not tolerating or engaging in it is a really healthy way to show him tough love. Love him enough to let him be miserable if that's what he wants to do. And love him enough to let him create his own relationship with his kids - whatever that means (and no I don't mean abusive ... I mean love them, and protect them but don't cover or lie for him, they'll figure him out soon enough - remind them that you and daddy love them and tell them daddy is going through a tough time). Do not ever sink to his level in front of the kids ... EVER. Be their example of how to be happy in crisis and how to respect and love yourself enough to have standards.
The family thing sucks. But if I've learned anything in the last few months it's that I never did a good job of setting boundaries with anyone. I've changed that, without apology.
You CAN do this. You already are. You are fabulous and strong and your kids couldn't have a better mommy.
Breathe ... read ... eat ... pray ... live ...
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
This is what I wrote in my thread about the talk with Cheryl
Talked with DB coach today. She understands that H is in MLC but she thinks that being almost totally dark is not working. She thinks it was good for ME, to get to the point I am now. She said that when I withdrew and went dark, that it seems that he has withdrawn farther. He was offering that if we needed anything, to please call, he was seeing the kids more often and since Good Friday, he has only seen them once and has not called them at all and dumped my daughter off early to go ride bikes with "work friend". It does seem like since I pulled away, he has pulled away farther too. I NEEDED to and am glad that I did but, he NOW it seems he is pulling farther away from his kids.
She wants me to set up a meeting with him to discuss a having a visitation schedule with the kids and to also discuss that they will be left alone during the day all summer and what should WE do about this?
She wants me to try and get him here as much as possible, fixing and doing things...it would be time away from OW....and would be a good opportunity to mention what his intention is with all his stuff as if we have to sell the house, he will need to either move it or put it in storage as it will look better less cluttered.
She also said to ask about making arrangements to get the truck back home....she thought that would be enough for now...
She said that so far...he is not really feeling any of the consequences of the choices he has made yet, he is living pretty good and that does make sense to me...he is still cake eating in a sense.
The asking him to do things around the house has to be handled carefully so as to not pursue...it can be presented in the way that as we may have to sell the house, we will have to take care of these things that need done and also, S14 cannot mow until H gets the mower ready to go! I can certainly have someone else come and get it ready but that thing is his baby and he won't want anyone else messing with it!
ShelBel-just reading what you wrote in the above post,,,you are doing ok and it does get easier! I will read your sitch when I get time!
Pei-I will have to check out that book!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
I adore my husband, he is a great father, husband and friend and right now he's got my compassion and unconditional love while he figures this out. Does it mean I'll be a doormat while he does? Nope. Does it mean I'll wait forever for him to learn about personal peace and taking responsibility for one's own happiness and contentment? Nope to that too.
Hi PEI,
These (boundaries, deadlines) are two areas where people seem to struggle the most. Can you share what kinds of boundaries you have laid out with your husband, and how you enforced them if he tried to test them?
Also, in what ways have you communicated to him that your patience is NOT without limits?
