On January 21st he said he had nothing left to give to me or to us. He's decided to end our 10 year marriage (15 years together and 3 kids ages 6, 4 and 2) because he feels empty and lost and unsure of who even is. He feels very sure that he has fallen out of love with me.
In the first several weeks we have been talking and have discussed the following: we are both children of alcoholic homes and, along with various other issues from our childhoods, brought that baggage forward. In me it created a need for control (out of fear and insecurity mostly) and in him an absolute need to avoid confrontation and keep the peace at any cost. Our co-dependence was quite perfect really ... he needed to be controlled and I needed someone to control. He's just told me that six years ago, when our first child was just a baby, he almost left ... and instead he decided to do whatever it took, in his mind, to keep the peace. He suppressed himself and his needs and buried everything he could. He occasionally told me he didn't like something I was doing or the way it made him feel, but I never heard him. On top of all of that we've just come through a very difficult financial time, we have three small kids and my family of origin has had tragedy and trouble over the last year (my four year old niece passed away, my brother-in-law tried to commit suicide, my other brother-in-law started drinking after 8 years of sobriety and almost left my pregnant sister).
He says that he didn't realize he was feeling resentful towards me and now he sees that he wanted me to make decisions and take care of things, but then resented me for having the control. He acknowledges that he chose to take the non-confrontational route and now he feels that his lack of standing up for what he wanted (although I wouldn't have made it easy for sure!) has emasculated him and he has called himself pathetic and weak. He says he won't feel like that again. From where I sit though, it seems like although he's says he's not blaming me he believes that he can't get what he needs and stay in the relationship. He says that he not only needs to feel independent and respected and in control of his own life, he also says he wants to be alone, that he doesn't want to be married anymore.
I did intensive self scrutiny in the first two months, both alone and with my counsellor, and I am ready, willing and able to embrace the change and the truth that we would need to create a successful mutual relationship which fosters both of our individuality while meeting our needs as a couple. I see that my behaviour was driven by fears and insecurities that I have been carrying around my whole life. I love my husband and I understand that love is not just an emotion, it's an attitude and behaviour consistent with that attitude. I am living love and have ended my confrontational ways. I am working on being respectful of the boundaries he needs and his style of communication (which he is also working on using ... he's finally being honest and opening up). I feel very stuck though, because he continues to be resolved that it has to be over because he no longer is IN love with me and he wants to be alone.
He is not willing to acknowledge that love is a choice and a decision in the face of emotions which may be contradictory. He was a very loving and committed person - family is everything to him and that's why he sacrificed himself and his needs for so long in misguided attempt to make things work - so I can only imagine how low and empty he must feel to make this choice. I can not understand how he doesn't want more ... how he doesn't wish he felt differently ... how he can't see that we have a responsibility to our children and our bond and committment of 15 years to at least explore a relationship built on honesty and consciousness.
For the first month or 6 weeks we were still sleeping in the same bed and we had sex on several occasions but then I was able to admit that I was not giving him the pressure-free space I offered so he could breath and start to become happy and do what he needed to do. We're currently living in a sort of in-house separation ... he's sleeping on the couch and fulfilling his role as a Daddy.
With respects to us and our marital relationship, I've said I would give him space and time to start to feel independent and get some breathing room but I am having difficulty meeting my promise. I've asked him to be open during the next while to see where things might go if he had some freedom and came to trust that the change in me is real and sustainable but he keeps saying - "I've fallen out of love with you - I don't feel like that is going to change."
The other night when we were talking he was telling me that he was thinking of going to sleep at his sisters once the kids were in bed one week on and one week off ... he said he's not ready to "go public" and he's not asking for a Divorce yet because "nothing is that final yet" and he's saying we don't need to split our finances or anything like that. Although that makes it sound like he's open to the process he also makes no bones about telling me that he doesn't love me anymore and he doesn't think that's going to change.
I can't help but think back to an email I got from him in October ... things had been going really well, we were doing a lot of independent activities and as a result I was definitely spending less time being overly critical of his parenting and he was feeling much more independent (just as an example). I received the following email from him ......
Hey there,
Just sitting here thinking about how much I love you and how good things are with us and our lives now. I honestly think that we are standing in the threshold of a great future. I believe that right now is our pivotal moment and if we focus on doing self improving things for the next while, life will be amazing. I have made a decision to leave any self destructive habits behind and better everything about myself. I love you and our life so much and honestly think that it can only get better from here on out which I find very exciting!
I have not been THIS excited about life in general for quite some time. I dont really know where this is coming from but I am in love with life!
Love you and talk to you later. I'm going to start writing for me too.
.............
I believe that we were experiencing what it could be like if we were purposefully meeting those needs but we did it by accident. Because it was by accident, we inevitably hit a pothole and had a fight related to independence and control in late October. We were also having trouble dealing with the last year as my family's troubles had put a lot of pressure and strain on us. I suggested he might want to finally talk to a counsellor. It was during his second session with the counsellor that this started to come out and then he spent two months talking about how he was going to leave and dealing with it by himself before he ever talked to me.
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
I found DB in mid March and read the first chapters online ... and I can tell you I am not the same person who wrote that letter in late February!
In late Feb/early March H said he was going to take off for the weekend and I did everything wrong ... I asked where he was going, when he'd be back ... you know the drill. Sunday night when he got back I had a bit of a meltdown wondering what he'd been doing etc ...
Then, H said we needed to talk on March 24th and proceeded to tell me that he'd found a place! I didn't even know he was looking, last I'd heard he was going to spend some time at his sister's place in the evenings to get some space. I called a coach and booked an appointment the next day. Cheryl helped me calm down and breathe and told me to back off ... if he brought it up then tell him I understood his feelings etc ... I had valid financial concerns and am not ready to tell the kids so I still feel like we need to be discreet so if he brought it up, she suggested I respectfully tell him my concerns and then let it go. He brought it up while we were out Easter shopping for the kids and I did just that. The next night he came home saying he'd made a decision - he wasn't taking the rental house, or an apartment or anything right now - he was going to put a pull-out in his brother's basement and a desk etc and go there most nights once the kids are in bed. I reacted non-chalently and told him I appreciated him considering and respecting my concerns (although silently wanting to do the arm pump! YES!).
He is staying at his brothers a few nights a week, and on our couch a few nights a week (our young kids are not great sleepers and I get tired doing it all by myself so he stays over to help with them). We have ML several times although he stopped kissing me (Cheryl explained that's he protecting himself and for now I need to respect his boundaries and use babysteps) ... we are extremely attracted to each other and after several days or a week or so the sexual tension builds up and we can't seem to help ourselves. I have not initiated, so as to not put pressure on him, but have responded to his advances.
It was funny, last Thursday when I got home he was out BBQ'ing so on the way by I asked nicely "so you're planning on working tonight right?" and he says 'yeah" so I say "ok, good, I'm gonna take off around 6:15 and I'll be back in time to help in the morning" ... and I just kept going into the house ...he says "oh, where you going?" and I say "just to get some me time” and he drops it ... but it seems to be bothering him. A little while later he says “so you just going to get a good nights sleep?” and I say “I’m needing some me time” .... and before I leave he’s like “so 6am?” and I’m like “yeah, between 6 and 6:30” and then he’s kinda backpeddaling ... “oh, I know you’re coming in the morning just wondering what time”
After supper, before I left, the kids asked if we could have a family bounce on the trampoline so H said go ahead, I’ll be out in a minute ... so we did, and me and kids are all playing when he lands out about 5 minutes later ... and it’s funny, he doesn’t see it ... but as soon as he’s on the trampoline he’s trying to bounce me down and knock me over and off balance ... and we’re all laughing our heads off. It's the kind of playing we would have done before the bomb.
This weekend he kissed me while we ML, one of my mini-goals (and he inititated that too), and we played around and laughed a lot. I've started a happiness journal to record when I notice him being happy - as his major complaint is that he's not happy and he just wants to be happy.
We saw a Gottman trained MC last week too and although it went as I expected (he's still saying he's made a decision to leave) I am pleased with her. Not sure if we're ready, he's there willingly but we have different agendas ... we'll see how it goes.
All I can say, is DBing seems to work but only if you are doing it for yourself. I have wanted change and self improvement for so long, I was so unhappy and just didn't know why or what to do about it. I didn't know our marriage was on the table, if I had, perhaps I'd have done something sooner. But, since I know I can't wish for a happier past I am moving forward with a new outlook on life. Be happy, be authentic, be loving and respect myself. Let's see where this journey takes me!
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Hi P3! I have skimmed thru your post on the DB coach forum as I have also talked with Cheryl and noticed that you had too! I haven't kept up with your sitch and it sounds like it is slowly making progress...good for you!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
PEI, Welcome to the community. It's sounds like you have a great head start on your sitch. Keep up the good work. Tlak to the coachs on the phone when you need it. And remember this is a process that has no time limit on it. I have been here for 8 months and I am still going through the process.
Keep journal here with your updates and more folks will chime in. I'll check back later. gr8
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Thanks confused and gr8 ... if I'm learning anything it's that patience is my friend!
I'm going to use this thread like a journal, I find it really helps! And yep, Cheryl is fantastic ... she helps slow me down and put things in perspective.
My current focus is on GAL, 180s and noticing the baby steps ... and patience of course!
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
My current focus is on GAL, 180s and noticing the baby steps ... and patience of course!
If you truely master this you will succeed.
Also keep in mind you DON"T need your H to be HAPPY!
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Thanks gr8 ... I think I've finally made peace with that. Not that I don't want to share my life with him, but my happiness is my responsibility and mine alone. Our biggest obstacle right now is that he has not figured this out yet ... and for now, I'll DB my butt off and hope he figures it out - but the happier and healthier I get the less and less appealing his negativity and victim mentality get .... he might just be left thinking "careful what you wish for"!
And for any newcomers reading this ... don't for a minute think that my attitude above means that I don't love him or want our marriage more than almost anything in this world. It's a process, and since letting go of the outcomes and getting to know myself again, I know realize that I don't want someone who doesn't want me ... I deserve to be loved and respected too. I believe my husband is in the middle of an early MLC and that he mostly resents himself for letting things get to be like this (he blames me on the surface but ultimately he CHOSE to not make decisions and let me take control and he knows it). He is having a crisis of Self which has manifested itself in our marriage due to our dynamic. If I let him, he'll continue to make this about us, so I won't do it. I'm getting out of his way and focussing on me and the kids ... I'm relearning who am I and gaining control of my emotions so they don't drive my behaviour.
If anyone hasn't read Laura Munson's article in the NYTimes I highly recommend it (those aren't fighting words dear) ... she just published a book too (an expaned form of the article - a memoir).
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
I am going to talk to Cheryl again today. I had almost decided to not since my H has filed for a D but Trent C convinced me that she might be able to help with a plan to go "dark". I am with you on your way of thinking...I have decided that I will be fine without H and have been taking huge steps toward detaching (took me quite awhile to do this) but am feeling so much better now that I have..I still love my H and want our marraige to work but I don't want him back the way he is now and I know that "I" personally, would not be ready to handle him coming back yet so slow is good!!!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
