Advice and Support needed

[Mach1]

Woops it actually quoted what I was trying to show you so I will put what you type in quotes the quotes won't be there when you type it

"

" to start a quote and "

" to end a quote hopefull this works when I post it

Grit,

You are a plethora of knowledge.....


[quote=Truegritter]




Then your text...

[Mach1]

then finish with a


[/quote]

[Truegritter]

Thanks for saving me once again Mach!

Hey was that sarcasm^^^^LOL!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

[
quote
]

all in one line.

TEXT you want to quote.

[
/
quote
]

all in one line at the end.

like this:

[quote]

TEXT...blah blah blah...my husband is a big jerk head

cannot quote the endquote. : )

[ericmsant2]

SB2

I have been working on detachment for about a year now and this is a difficult proccess,

Very good that you are working on this and YES it is a VERY DIFFICULT process. You will fall back into your normal habits sometimes - just remember to dust yourself off and get back on the horse. It takes time so be patient with yourself.

That was for him to consider a seperation instead of just calling it quits right away.

Really good - it now gives you and him TIME, which is what you need. The question will be...how do YOU use this time?

However, it is difficult to seperate from each other when you are living in the same house.

OMG - is it but it can be done. I am still in the house with W. Actually slept in the same bed for a while. Although it is difficult, this coupled with TIME give him and you a chance to see the changes that you BOTH will make.

I still am unclear if I should keep trying to connect when possible.

IMO you connect when the opportunity presents itself. Do not initate convo but feel free to respond just make sure to be the first one to end it. Try and stay away from R convo. Keep it light and simple. If H seems angry then stay away remember YOU cannot FIX THIS.

God Bless,
Eric

[sb2ndmarriage]

Thanks for the input. So when he wants to discuss R. I should try and direct the conversation else where?

[sb2ndmarriage]

So I will do my best to stop initiating conversation. I know he will feel something is wrong when I do this. I have known about the Jeep, in fact I encouraged him to get it. I have even had to tell him he does not answer to me. He has the habit of telling me where he is going if he will be coming home or not. I never ask. I at least did learn that spying on someone does not really do any good from my first marriage. I find alot of hope in the fact that many times he will speak about us in future tense. Of course with the situation the way it is I feel very insecure about any comments made right now. I realize the focus is about me, but sometimes you just need to get through the past to move forward. It sort of like talking about someone who just died. The situation is so new that you can hardly help yourself.

[ericmsant2]

SB2

Just keep the convo light - don't come across as distant but just be "reserved". At the end of the day you want him to feel comfortable to talk to you. When he does LISTEN..and I mean LISTEN.

Good approach on asking where he is going. If he is in a crisis he will need to figure it out and does not need anyone telling him what to do or questioning his whereabouts.

Don't worry about what you have said in the past. Just move forward and do not make the same mistake. I am going to keep reminding you that YOU cannot fix this. You can only make it worse.

Finally, at some point you will get to a place where you begin to realize that as often as you say or write "him" you should be saying "I". Keep your hopes alive and remember YOU control the outcome of this. You may not see that now but you will in the future.

God Bless,
Eric

[sb2ndmarriage]

This will probably be my last post for the day.

It is getting easier every day to wake up and move forward.

I tell you it is so funny, before I met my H I had been divorced for three years. I was just at the point where I was so happy with my life and where I was. I had accepted that I was okay alone. That is when I met my H. I know that God put him in my life for a reason and I think ever since then I have been desperatly trying to discover that reason. I was so content, having felt that way before was a real revalation for me and now I feel so lost and fear of being alone has crippled my actions for so long. I have real abandonment issues that have only come to light thru our past MC. I wont give my life history but lets just say it has been something that has happened to me so many times that it should be easy for me by now but it is never easy. That is where the co-dependency comes in. And from what I understand it never goes away you just learn to "deal" with it and change your behavior. I started to really recognize where I would try and control situations. I sometimes feel like DBing is similar to trying to control what is happining, but I do know that these changes I have been making are good for me and not just good for the R. I will continue to study read and try to gain more knowledge about myself and my H situation. We should make a real point to pray for each other as I really do know this is key in healing. I hope to hear from more of you all. It really is helpful to "discuss".

[Truegritter]

I sometimes feel like DBing is similar to trying to control what is happining, but I do know that these changes I have been making are good for me and not just good for the R.

This can be confusing because if you go to other parts of this forum it is about trying to control. You won't get that here.

Tactics and strategies are about control. You want an outcome by design.

The things we encourage you to do are for YOU to control yourself. To control how the sitch affects you so you can heal.

It is only until you are to a place where you will not be affected by what has happened or what is still happening.

It has been said that you need to journey to the eye of the storm where it is calm and all about you is in turmoil but you are unaffected