I like your list of books that you have read. In the resources you will find a thread with recommended reading. Quite a good list. I too have read many of these books.
Also the links that I posted to you for everyone else following along is my NEW and IMPROVED version. There are some extra links that I thought might be valuable.
It seems that you have already learned that Knowledge is power.
Thank you for your post. I am very sorry for your situation. It is hard to not be able to "fix" this situation.
I am very grateful that my H is still home and is not mean. However, the change in him has been so drastic it is difficult to be an observer.
I am a Christian. I didn't grow up in a Christian home, but my H became involved in church as a teen (on his own...major FOO issues and he was seeking peace). We have always been involved with our church. We both have leadership roles (though in the Jim Conway described fashion, my H has slowly moved away from his roles to mostly just a bystander). We still attend church and Bible study as a family every week. With the exception of one single friend (his concert buddy), my H only socializes with our married, Christian friends. I have often thought he is purposely keeping himself in check by the company he keeps....though I really don't know.
I am glad that your husband is still in the home and has decided to remain there. And also that he is still going to church with you. May I ask how long you have noticed the changes in him? I ask that because my husband was going to church with me the whole time up until he left. I noticed changes in him over 2 years ago and they just got progressively worse. He kept distancing himself from me. The major thing that I noticed was something he stopped telling me. He has asked me every day "have I told you today that I love you?" Then one day last June he stopped saying it. When I said something to him about it, his answer was "hmmm. Hadn't noticed that. Oh well." He was so flippant, like it didn't phase him in the least. It pierced through me like a knife. I tried to get him to agree to marriage counseling, but he refused. We were like married singles just sharing a house. Then on Nov. 6th he blindsided me by leaving and having divorce papers served on me.
Since you have read so much, I'm sure it's no surprise to you that it gets worse before it gets better. Since this sounds like your husband is not too far into midlife crisis yet, you have time to get your own act together and protect yourself. I would definitely start putting money back for yourself. I only wish I had some warning before my h left. I am unemployed, getting a small unemployment check. Our house payments are not being made and I could lose our home if a miracle does not happen soon. No woman should have to go through that while also dealing with a marriage falling apart. So, protect yourself for the worst now while you can. If things don't get horrible for you, there's no harm done with saved money.
Perhaps besides sharing books we have read, we can also help each other with what we find helpful with internet research. However, Jack is right. There is a lot of junk out there! So far I have just been going on my gut. If it sounds like it's too far out there for me, I stop reading and go on to something else. Remember, garbage in, garbage out. I have enough going on in my head without letting garbage in, too!
May I ask how long you have noticed the changes in him? I ask that because my husband was going to church with me the whole time up until he left. I noticed changes in him over 2 years ago and they just got progressively worse. He kept distancing himself from me. Since you have read so much, I'm sure it's no surprise to you that it gets worse before it gets better.
I would definitely start putting money back for yourself. I only wish I had some warning before my h left.
My H has began withdrawing from me 2 years ago. He says he has felt us drifting apart a couple of years before that, but just kept going day by day. Of course during that time, he still treated me like a wife. So, I believe he has been in MLC about 4 years.....so not that early into things. He says it was the sporting event and medical problems afterwards that made him more vocal about his unhappiness.
He doesn't have some of the more severe MLC symptoms. He is not spending exorbitant amounts of money. He does take out a small amount of weekly money in cash that doesn't go through our debit account. He is purchasing things that he needs, but just never bought on his own.
Honestly, CK, I believe he is on the other side of the worst of the MLC. He no longer has "dead eyes". He used to look at me with complete irritation any time I would speak. Now, it is like he is trying to do better and catches himself from time to time. There are other things that concern me....some likely true causes and some my head has convinced me to worry. Either way, they are symptoms of something bigger and out of my control.
My H has never cycled between wanting to be with me and wanting out of the marriage. He just makes statements "I don't want to be in this relationship, but divorce/separation would be too hard on the kids."
I am not naive and know that he could leave at anytime. However, it isn't something I dwell on either. If he leaves, I believe it will be what he needs to do to come to the conclusion his issues are internal and nothing external can truly fix them. It would hurt beyond belief as I love him so deeply, but I have no control over him.
My H never stopped telling me he loved me until we went to MC. When he told the counselor that he cared about me, but wasn't "in love" with me, I told him it just confused me when he said that he loved me daily. He said, "Well, I won't make the mistake of confusing you anymore." That was over a year ago and he never said "I love you" again. (sure wish I had kept my mouth shut on that one!)
As far as money, we are both professionals and his earnings are only a few dollars more than my own each week. We have a considerable amount of debt, but he has been paying ahead on bills, rather than letting them go.
