Puppy, I bet people would love a "best of the vets" thread! All that good advice you have compiled and saved. I personally would love to have an opportunity to view it all.
Not asking you to do it, but if you are inclined....
Quote:
".... Fella's, leave the tight pants for the ladies, if I can count the coins in your pockets you better use them to call a tailor."
MWD should be mining this board for material for her next book, if she's not already. The information here is gold, both in terms of lessons learned, and to learn about the various paths these situations take.
I have to say I have gotten more insight from this message board than MC or the 3 months of IC I had.
Really wise people here.
Love it!
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
I think for me that DB'ing is about recapturing/rediscovering your authentic self (apologies if I sound too new age-y bc I am so NOT!)...
But I think by the time the bomb goes off a lot of us, me for sure, have spent so much time twisting and turning trying to meet the needs of our now-walk-aways that we aren't the people that we used to be, which happens to be the person our spouses fell in love with. Maybe it started out as us getting 'comfortable' with the idea that our spouse would always be there and we got complacent. Maybe, like me, having kids caused us to funnel more energy into the wee ones and less into our marriage.
At any rate, at some point our paths diverged. Then once we got a whiff of our spouse's unhappiness/discomfort/whatever, we tried to 'fix' things, appease, compromise, etc etc. I know before I found DB I was at a place where I was willing to settle for just about anything as long as he JUST DIDN'T LEAVE ME!!!
Wow, how appealing is that?
In fact once during a pleading session I suddenly saw how I must look and realized I was basically the shamed puppy (no offense Puppy!) showing my belly at my H's feet trying to earn his favor. Meanwhile he was 18 months into an affair...
But I digress. The point I am trying to make is that DBing helps take the focus OFF of the spouse and put it on you. Not so you can move on without them necessarily. But so you can remember just what it is you like to do, wear, eat, listen to, etc etc. And to remember that you are a whole person on your own, you don't need your spouse to complete you, they are there to complement you and vice versa.
Only when you recognize that you are a legitimate, worthy individual all on your own can you stand up for yourself and require respect from your spouse. And hold yourself to the expectations that come with a healthy relationship.
And at that point, when you have let them go live their fairy tale life and worked on healing yourself, that is when the WAS may look back to see why you aren't chasing them anymore. And they may (I say may because the WAS has the free will to just never look back even if we hate that thought) look back and see that a strong, desirable individual has replaced their clingy, distressed and depressed spouse.
That is when you are able to decide whether you want to give them another chance to rebuild your relationship. It is true, sometimes you look and see that they have not grown and are not a suitable mate at this time. But if they haven't done 'the work' that would be true whether or not you improved yourself.
So to me the options are, work on yourself and perhaps rebuild a new, improved relationship with a spouse willing to do the same; or, improve yourself, discover that your WAS just isn't making the effort, and be a healthier person to enter into a future, healthy relationship with someone else.
"my guess is that you mean that the advice here is to designed to help us succeed in moving on - not in saving our m."
Cause for the few that succeed.. that is exactly what helped them "win". At the very least it changed the direction they were headed. Sometimes.. you have to lead. Pay attention to who follows.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
but then i see advice that suggests the LBS pit themselves against the WAW. it seems counterproductive to the person looking to save their m.
That's my point. We won't give advice that is counterproductive. The advice is going to be counter-intuitive to someone new. Give me a example of how someone told you to "pit" yourself against your spouse.
It was relatively easy for me to buy in to the DB concepts because of my professional and military training, sports experiences both coaching and playing, my spiritual beliefs and all the research I had done on personal growth and relationships. DBing can possibly help you save your marriage.
This is a very loving, supportive, interesting and caring group of people here. The common goal is to save marriages. If your spouse was here they would get the same advice. Have some faith that we want you to succeed in reconciling and becoming the best person you can. Those goals are not exclusive of each other.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
And at that point, when you have let them go live their fairy tale life and worked on healing yourself, that is when the WAS may look back to see why you aren't chasing them anymore. And they may (I say may because the WAS has the free will to just never look back even if we hate that thought) look back and see that a strong, desirable individual has replaced their clingy, distressed and depressed spouse.
BobbiJo
thanks for your explanation. i'm not looking to hear what i want to hear. but your explanation provided me some hope along with a dose of reality (the possibility that he may never look back to see the new me).
