1) On agreeing...my IC who is also our MC said that sometimes this works, and sometimes this just gives the WAS the impression THAT YOU ACTUALLY DO AGREE AND WANT THEM TO GO even if this is not what you feel.
There is no way to know how anyone will react however this method is not from coach it is from MWD. It works, read the success stories, that is what happened.
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2) I know that coach has very good advice, but I"ve often wondered - does that particular advice work best for a LBS who is a man? I'm thinking the dynamics may be different for a woman.
does that particular advice work best for a LBS who is a man? I'm thinking the dynamics may be different for a woman.
Men spend a lot of time thinking.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
my wah thinks about himself a lot. he feels sorry for himself. had to hurt the one he loved in order to save himself. he only thought about the pain he was in. didn't think about the pain that he was causing me. didn't even think about how much his words hurt me prior to the d-bomb. often speaks before he thinks and therefore ends up saying things that really hurt. but he never thinks about how hurtful he is. he just thinks about how he can be heard.
yeah. men think a lot. mostly about themselves. sorry if i sound bitter. but i am. my h will never realize just how his actions have caused our marriage to breakdown. he's only pointed out how i failed to meet his needs.
oops .. the Good Girl has hijacked the thread a bit. call it arm waving. i need help from coach. my thread is in separated but i'm considering moving it to newcomers.
Those in emotional pain and the "fog" whether male or female focus soley on themselves. The point that is one must act out of thought, sometimes what we feel can be misleading. Feelings change overtime, emotions can be overwhelming. We must rule our emotions not allow them to rule us.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
Hmmm...I have read a bit of your sitch. And although I am new to these boards...my sitch has been going on since Nov 09. I started off with the very same attitude that you have. It got me nowhere....and we have 3 kids to boot. So not only was it me that he was abandoning...it was his children, our 2 dogs, our home, etc. I was VERY bitter. The second I let go and humbled myself is when we could finally stop arguing and have a normal conversation. The second I realized that perhaps his actions weren't the best ones to take, and that I have made my fair share of mistakes I could begin to let go. I have learned a lot.....and basically it all boils down to the fact that YOU are the only person that you have control over....Blame is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die. Regardless of what your husband has done to you....until you really discover WHY he is feeling the way he feels...and how this relates to you...nothing will get better....or at best you will put a bandaid on it.
Please don't take me the wrong way. Because I have been right there where you are. Full of anger, hatred, and thinking that I was nothing but a big ball of love for my H...all the while wondering why he could not see that!! Sooo....realize that this anger is part of the greif that you will experience through this process, but if you really want to save your marriage, really think about you. Honestly....put yourself in his shoes....is he stressed?....perhaps even take it a bit further....would YOU want YOU for a wife? If so, why? If not, why not? No one is perfect, not your H, not my H, not you, and certainly not me. But it took months to really humble myself and realize my shortcomings. Although my H has things he needs to deal with...that is not my concern....because HE has to deal with that. All I can do is focus on me, and on being the best mother and wife I can be....with or without his presence.
Honestly....put yourself in his shoes....is he stressed?....perhaps even take it a bit further....would YOU want YOU for a wife? If so, why? If not, why not? No one is perfect, not your H, not my H, not you, and certainly not me. But it took months to really humble myself and realize my shortcomings.
i think this is the part i have the most difficulty with. i don't know the real reason why our m broke down. i'm only grasping at straws and trying to work on things but i don't know if i'm working on the right areas.
that's why i post and i hope that someone will read my sitch and find something that i haven't been able to figure out because i'm in a fog of resentment and anger.
my cry for help is really that i'm new to relationships and i don't know i'm working on the right thing. i let my imagination run wild often and it causes me to go into panic attacks. it prevents me from moving on in a healthy way.
Sooo....realize that this anger is part of the greif that you will experience through this process, but if you really want to save your marriage, really think about you. Honestly....put yourself in his shoes....is he stressed?....perhaps even take it a bit further....would YOU want YOU for a wife? If so, why? If not, why not? No one is perfect, not your H, not my H, not you, and certainly not me. But it took months to really humble myself and realize my shortcomings. Although my H has things he needs to deal with...that is not my concern....because HE has to deal with that. All I can do is focus on me, and on being the best mother and wife I can be....with or without his presence.