WAW and the law of attraction

[Lotus]

Now, that is for you to decide. I agree, you are young, you don't have children together. Why not move on and find someone who shares your values more than your current wife does? But that's not my decision; it is yours.

[FormelyknownasF]

Yep. The more I think about it, the more that seems to be the case. Still, I made this 3 months deal with myself and won't decide anything final until that time has come.

The one thing that I'm finding incredibly hard to do is walking away in silence. If I leave like this, I'm sending the message that I'm leaving this angry, resentful, bitter, etc. The last thing my W heard from me was when I exposed to her.

I don't think those words should be the last words of my marriage.
I can't live with that.

I'm thinking if a letter would be ok. Not to explain my actions to her but to be honest about how I felt about what she did. And also, to make it 100% clear for her, that I'm moving on with my life. She needs to know I mean business.

She might not listen, she might not even read it (doubt this) but I least I'd feel better about letting all this out of my head. Not in an angry way but in a detached, compassionate tone. Even if she doesn't deserve that at this point.

In the past, I've made the mistake of moving away from things in silence, thinking my silence would speak louder than words. It didn't.

I don't want to move away from this with regrets. And walking away in silence, will definitely make me feel that way.

[Lotus]

I believe heartfelt letters are very powerful. There are a few rules of letter writing that help. Talk about yourself, not her. Avoid saying things like "you did....." or "you said...", that comes off as accusatory. Stick to "I felt.....", and "I was....". And it is powerful to talk about your feelings, not what you think. You can say, "I felt angry, or hurt, or any adverb. But don't say, "I felt like you did...." which is not a feeling and is accusatory. Anytime you say "I felt like...." you are really saying "I think....", and thinking and feeling are not the same. When you talk about what you think there is room for argument. When you talk about how you feel, who can argue with that? Your feelings are real and they are yours. Yes, write a letter. She can read it now and perhaps not be moved by it. But if she keeps it, she may read it again a few months from now and be touched. Words have power.

[TrentC]

She can read it now and perhaps not be moved by it. But if she keeps it, she may read it again a few months from now and be touched. Words have power.

My wife has kept cards and notes that I have given her over the past few months. She even has one in her purse -- I can see it sticking out of the side pocket.

[Kimmie Lee]

I wouldn't bother rewarding her with a letter. It could(would) make you look weak and pursuing.

She has done despicable things and is still lying to everyone to make herself look good. So, set your family straight and do not allow her to do any more damage to you.

Separate your stuff and go pitch black.

[FormelyknownasF]

this is interesting. Just out of curiosity, why a letter would be rewarding her?
Is it letting her now that I still care even if the letter clearly states that i'm moving
on with my life?

I know you have a good point, Kimmie. Gno, thinks the same and it makes sense.
It just hurts so much not being able to tell what you feel. It's like being in jail and not been able to give your side of the story. It's really tough. If I walk away like this, she'll never know how I felt. She may not care to hear, that's her problem. Should that stop me from doing what I feel I need to do to get closure? Is she really going to have the last word on this?

[Dudess]

The one thing I'm finding it incredibly hard to do is walking away in silence. If I leave like this, I'm sending the message that I'm leaving this angry, resentful, bitter, etc. The last thing my W heard from me was when I exposed to her.

Maybe that was her perception, or maybe it was just her spin for others. Even if you were angry, resentful and bitter, those feelings would be understandable under the circumstances. What makes you think that she would accurately perceive anything more you might say? And why does it matter?

I don't think those words should be the last words of my marriage. I can't live with that.

What were your last words?

I'm thinking if a letter would be ok. Not to explain my actions to her but to be honest about how I felt about what she did. And also, to make it 100% clear for her, that I'm moving on with my life. She needs to know I mean business.

Do you really think she doesn't know how you felt? You make clear that you are moving on, with your actions, not with words.


In the past, I've made the mistake of moving away from things in silence, thinking my silence would speak louder than words. It didn't.

Maybe in some situations, the silence leaves confusion. That isn't necessarily the case here though.

I wouldn't bother rewarding her with a letter. It could(would) make you look weak and pursuing.

She has done despicable things and is still lying to everyone to make herself look good. So, set your family straight and do not allow her to do any more damage to you.

this is interesting. Just out of curiosity, why a letter would be rewarding her? Is it letting her now that I still care even if the letter clearly states that i'm moving on with my life?

I don't know that she would find it rewarding, more likely annoying, and definitely kinda pathetic, that you would take the trouble to write after what she has done, when she has not even given you the courtesy of saying "I'm sorry".


It just hurts so much not being able to tell what you feel. It's like being in jail and not been able to give your side of the story. It's really tough. If I walk away like this, she'll never know how I felt. She may not care to hear, that's her problem.

I'm pretty sure she doesn't care to hear, so why try to communicate about your feelings with someone who doesn't care to hear it. Consider how you might feel to have a non-response to what you say.

Should that stop me from doing what I feel I need to do to get closure? Is she really going to have the last word on this?

Closure isn't an event, it's a process. I rarely involves both parties. You get your closure within your self, over time. I know it hurts, and I am sorry that it hurts and that she has treated you this way.

[CanadianKid]

this is interesting. Just out of curiosity, why a letter would be rewarding her?Is it letting her now that I still care even if the letter clearly states that i'm moving
on with my life?

Because people who are moving on with their life don't write people letters to tell them they're moving on with their life. They just do it. My $.02

[FormelyknownasF]

touché. canadian kid. touché.

Feeling much better now thanks to all of your kind words.

small update. two things to share.

1
i've been very busy at work on the weekend which has helped a lot. My mother apologised earlier this week for her behavior and I felt like telling them what happened with more detail. still I haven't told them about OM but this is enough for now. They felt relieved and thanked me. They also encouraged me to move on and live a happier life.

2
I've been getting messages from my ex landlord. (she copies me in every msg she sends to my wife so I'm assuming my W hasn't told her I moved out). One was about a window that needed to be replaced. The one I got today says she couldn't arrange for "fixing the lock this weekend. It'll have to be the next one. Weird.

3
What do you think it's the best way to arrange getting the rest of my stuff back? I intend to be strictly business but don't want to sound arrogant or rude. That'll make her think I'm angry, and I'm not. Part of me feels relieved.

[FormelyknownasF]

Sorry, D. I thought I had replied to your comment but I never actually hit "Send".

First of all thanks for such an extensive reply. Good advice in there.

The msg I sent on the weekend said:
You wanted an opportunity to talk. Sunday 12 PM. X Cafe.

Which I agree with Gno, comes across as arrogant. And it made me feel as if I that screwed up the last chance I had.

Then, I remembered what were the actual last words I said to her:

In person when we said good bye at the airport:
"I'm sorry, princess. I'm sorry that it had to come to this. Pls let me prove to you that I'm still the man you marry. That I can be the man you want in your life. No more promises. Just actions. Let this be the first one. Giving you what you need right now. Space."

And my very last words were on the phone, when exposing:

"You told me you needed a real man. Well, you see, real men don't cheat on their wives and kids. Real, honest men, protect their families. And that's what I am going to do"

and you know what? On second thought, I think I can live with that.