WAW and the law of attraction

[Puppy Dog Tails]

3
What do you think it's the best way to arrange getting the rest of my stuff back? I intend to be strictly business but don't want to sound arrogant or rude. That'll make her think I'm angry, and I'm not. Part of me feels relieved.

In writing, businesslike but yet positive and upbeat, and brief.

You're right -- don't want to come off as arrogant, rude or angry. Want to come off as "I'll be just fine, although this isn't what I would have chosen."

My two cents on the "letter" thing, Formerly: I think it's a good idea, and a great way to express your thoughts and emotions. I just don't think it would be a good idea to send it immediately after she's told you she doesn't want to talk to you, for the reasons stated.

Puppy

[FormelyknownasF]

Cool, Puppy. Thanks. Will write something and will post it here before sending it, just to make sure.

About the letter. Will take my time to write it and then think if it's worth sending it or not, and when.

[WalkingMan]

Hey F

I'm going to agree with some of the comments about your letter.
Something I did that helped me is writing a letter about what I really wanted to say to my XW. Then I sat on my patio, had a drink and burned it.

Actually what did happen with time is that I waited to get emails from her asking how I was. This took a good year to happen and would happen when I had stayed in NC. She would say how much I seem to be flourishing and how happy I seem. She also mentioned having to pay for her sins and how karma is a bi%@#.

Be careful about this letter. It might seem like pursuing and it make you look weak. Let her intiate the discussion. Trust me, she will think of you.

I would not say your approach is a failure either. I would say you must be patient and back off, and move on. Planting a seed of doubt takes time to grow.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I don't want to move away from this with regrets.

Formerly,

I know this is damned difficult, but you really should have no regrets. I went back just now and read ALL of your old posts, including your original ones, just to make sure I had your sitch correctly in my mind. What I see is a man who was already trying everything (including just about the entire repertoire of the "gentler" approach) when you first came to us, and has subsequently tried most of the "harder" things as well.

Sadly, LBSs and almost LBSs have to realize that we don't control their ultimate decisions.

All we can obviously do is go by what you post to us here, but my reading (and re-reading) of your pretty thorough accounts are of a wife who was already deep into this whole "Law of Attraction" crap by the time you came to us, and who wasn't responding one whit to your patient/understanding/placating approaches.

I really think you've tried just about everything you could, from the whole gamut of techniques.

Puppy

[FormelyknownasF]

I agree, Puppy. Thanks for taking the time of re-reading all my stitch again.

I did try the gentle approach for more than one month, here are the results:

What I did: I agreed to pay for her staying one more week because she wanted to "cry and be sad" at her moms.

What she did: Spent the week dating the OM.

What I did: Offered to be the one who'd move out so she wouldn't need to look for a place. I bought her groceries. Spend an entire night cleaning the place, washing her clothes, etc so she'd be ready as soon as she landed for her new job. I wrote a letter saying I trusted her.

What did she do: Get on the internet as soon as she arrived to the apartment and look for the other man obsessively. She didn't even thanked me.

What I did: I kept my part of the promise. For 1 month I let her be. No unnecessary contact and no talks about the relationship. I read every book I could put my hands on about WAWs, went to therapy, etc

What she did: Went deeper into the affair by internet and the phone. Made plans for OM visiting her. Followed the ill advice given by her BF and used every sentence Law of Attraction words to justify her actions.

In the end, she was just flipping a coin to make her decision but the coin had the same face in both sides: The affair.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

And that's not counting the six months prior to that.

Puppy

[Entangled]

My WAW is also into LoA and Reiki. It's amazing how someone so dedicated to positive energy, the possibility of powerful intentions, and the principals of spiritual energy and healing can be so convinvced that healing is impossible and those same "Laws" don't apply to me or our relationship. I guess I am unique in the Universe!

[DaddyLongShanks]

Sounds like narcissism in a religious aspect of celebrating it, most of our WAW's do.

[robx]

I know you have a good point, Kimmie. Gno, thinks the same and it makes sense.
It just hurts so much not being able to tell what you feel. It's like being in jail and not been able to give your side of the story. It's really tough. If I walk away like this, she'll never know how I felt. She may not care to hear, that's her problem. Should that stop me from doing what I feel I need to do to get closure? Is she really going to have the last word on this?

You sound weak, insecure, ineffectual, wussy like and definitely not the kind of man your wife would want to be with.

Yes you have feelings.
Yes it hurts.
Why do you feel you have the right to share those feelings and your story with your wife if she has told you she doesn't want to be with you?

She may not care to hear, that's her problem.

That's selfish.
So if she doesn't want to care about your feelings anymore and not hear you cry & blab on about them, she has to because you say so?

Really?

Hasn't any of this DB process sunk into you yet?
You heal yourself.
You take care of yourself.
You move on and detach from a WAS that doesn't want to be with you.

If you are still harboring all these hurt feelings inside, you are in no place to contact her by phone, text, email, written word, in person, etc. etc. etc.

You don't have the right to speak with her so that you can get closure, you can get that on your own and you should.

[FormelyknownasF]

You sound weak, insecure, ineffectual, wussy like and definitely not the kind of man your wife would want to be with.

Again, you're making the mistake of thinking that whatever I ask, say, etc in this board, I'm going ot go and tell to my wife. Wrong. And at this point, who cares if I'm not the kind of man my wife wants to be with?

Why do you feel you have the right to share those feelings and your story with your wife if she has told you she doesn't want to be with you?

Let me see if I understand. I don't have the right to share my feelings but my wife has the right to behave like she has. Let's not disturb her highness. Interesting logic.

That's selfish

I'm selfish for expressing my feelings, and I suppose she's just following her heart, right? More interesting logic.

So if she doesn't want to care about your feelings anymore and not hear you cry & blab on about them, she has to because you say so?

So, if she doesn't want to care about my feelings anymore and not hear me blab me about them, I have to stop because she says so? Besides that, who said anything about crying?

You don't have the right to speak with her so that you can get closure, you can get that on your own and you should.

I have every right. To this day, I am her husband, she made promises she's accountable for. Whether she respects that or not, that's another case.

I respect your opinion and I appreciate your feedback.
I know you're just trying to get your point across here but some times I think you are unnecessarily aggressive.

There's no need for that. It's a process, some of us take longer to get this right, some of you apparently get it right all the time. It's been 6 weeks since I found out about the affair and two months since we're separated. I think I'm doing pretty damn good given the circumstances, to be honest. I'm sorry if you think otherwise.