i posted in the separated forum because i'm at the separated stage. i used to be 'dumped for mil' but i've changed my name on the advice of some vets here.
does that particular advice work best for a LBS who is a man? I'm thinking the dynamics may be different for a woman.
Men spend a lot of time thinking.
So this is why you are advocating changing how they think of us? And you are saying the GAL< the drop the rope, and the agreeing iwth them acheives this? I"m at the point I'll try anything as what I"m doing is not working! Anything else?
The thing about agreeing with them is that what is the alternative? To disagree with them which makes them stronger in their stance. If you agree with someone who has an opposing view they usually stop digging their heels in and it makes them question their thoughts.
If you don't want to agree with them per se, then just don't disagree with them. Then they have nothing to fight against.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
How to Get Through to Your Spouse by Michele Weiner-Davis
Convincing your spouse to change is much easier once you realize that you have to appeal to their way of thinking, not yours. Get the tactics you need to put this into action.
Good Things Come in Smart Packages
Years ago I worked a great deal with adolescents and their families. I remember countless cases when the parents wanted their kids to do certain things but the kids absolutely refused. And then their parents would insist, offering reasons the kids should comply: "You'll learn good study habits," or "It will make you a stronger person," or "That's what I had to do when I was a kid." But the explanations weren't compelling enough, and nothing ever changed. After repeat offenses, the kids would get punished. No amount of reasoning with them made a difference. The kids thought they were right, and they weren't going to change. Never mind that they were losing privileges left and right.
When I approached things a little differently, I got better results. Sometimes I would get the kids alone and tell them, "It must really be a pain in the butt to have your parents breathing down your neck all the time and telling you what to do. You must hate it when they punish you." My words were music to their ears. Then I would wonder out loud, "Gee, I wonder what you need to do to get your parents off your back?" "That's easy," they would tell me; "I would just have to _____ [come home on time, make my bed, do my homework, and so on]" -- the same behaviors their parents were expecting. Although unimpressed with the reasoning their parents offered them for following the rules, they liked the idea of getting their parents to back off. Together, we would then scheme how they might "underhandedly" shock their parents by doing the things that would get their parents to back off. Sneaky, eh?
The obvious moral to the story is that even if you have the most incredible suggestion in the world, you might not be able to convince others of your brilliance if you don't approach them in a way that make sense to them. You have to appeal to their way of thinking, not yours.
So what does this mean for you? You need to review the way in which you've been approaching your spouse about improving your sexual relationship. You need to think about your packaging. Have you tried to motivate your spouse who believes that a good sexual relationship comes not from obligation but love, that part of being a good husband or wife is being a receptive sexual partner? While all your explanations might make sense to you, they might not click with your spouse. You need to think about what might motivate him or her.
I know a man whose wife wasn't physical at all, and this bothered him. He yearned for more physical closeness, even nonsexual hugging and kissing. His wife told him that touching feels good, but then for that matter, so does taking a hot bath, and a hot bath is a lot easier.
I asked him what he tells his wife about his need for more sexual connection and he said, "I say, 'I'm unhappy with the way things have been going. I need more affection,' to which she replies, 'So, what? There are things I'm unhappy about too.'" It wasn't until he realized what truly motivated his wife -- their children -- that he found a more effective way to get through to her.
He thought about the fact that she had devoted her entire life to their children. She home-schooled them. She chauffeured them, short-order-cooked for them, and tended to all their emotional needs. They were her life. He knew that her own parents had a very loving, affectionate marriage. He also knew how much she appreciated growing up in that atmosphere. And so he said, "Do you want the kids growing up not seeing any affection? Don't you think it would be better if they saw us hugging and kissing and loving each other?" That planted the necessary seed. The very next day, she agreed to go to a therapist. Good things come in smart packages.
Are you thinking about what lights your spouse's fire when you ask him or her to change? If not, alter your approach, and you'll have a better chance of getting through.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
[quote=Coach]It wasn't until he realized what truly motivated his wife -- their children -- that he found a more effective way to get through to her. [quote]
Another very timely post for me, Coach - thank you very much. And you know what? I don't think I have a clue about what motivates my H. That sounds stupid to say I know. And I'm embarrassed about it. It makes me feel bad because then I think how selfish I must be, to not have figured it out. I'd like to figure it out though. And not just because it might help me to change some things. I'd also like to figure it out because he deserves a wife who 'gets' him. How on earth do I figure this out though? I'm so verbal the natural thing I'd do would be to ask him! But I know where that's gotten me in the past! I know there's lots of folks here whose situations are so urgent that they need your insight a lot more than I do right now... so I'll understand if you can't reply. But if you have the time, I'd sure appreciate it. Thank you again, PG.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
I'd like to figure it out though. 
I know there's lots of folks here whose situations are so urgent that they need your insight a lot more than I do right now... so I'll understand if you can't reply. But if you have the time, I'd sure appreciate it. Thank you again, PG.