My friend I agree with True and Gen. Dude you need to continue on your path to healing and happiness.
Several weeks ago you posted that you were done. I thought quite honestly that you were not but only you know when you are really done.
Have you asked yourself what done really is?
Look man I'm not gonna tell you what to do. The only thing I am going to ask you is....what...rather who are you trying to save. Is it your M or you?
If the answer is YOU then what do you need to save yourself? Asnwer me this.
Are your decision now based on the impact to your friend or are they based on what YOU want to do in YOUR life.
Personally, I think you need to step back and figure that out first before you move forward with anything.
Either way you go....just make sure that you are happy and healthy.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
So w/ some testing I learned that W is not at all motivated as she said she was. I call L next week, and begin the process.
w is damaged goods- I contacted MIl and let her know about the drugs- there is no fallout as of yet, MIL actually suspected and thanked me.
I am worried for W, but I cannot let it affect me anymore..I have been NC now for a few days.
I e-mailed W asking her to contemplate her motivations and if her timing was at all based on: failed R w/ OM living w/ MIL depression and learning I am ready to walk
She was belligerent in her response. After hanging out for a day I was met w/ all the same:
I don't have those feelings, I'm not happy, I'm not fit to be in a R, I need help, what if the feelings don't come back, I can't just pretend, do you want me to live like this, I don't know how to be a W, u deserve better, there's no passion, etc, etc...
There is no OM anymore, she's probably in withdrawal, we spoke of heavy things, so there was no joy or laughs (big no-no).
After her pursuit (about a week) I caved and met w/ her...my mistake!!
I do have loving feelings for W, but I only saw pain in her eyes...I cannot save her-
In a way, I love her b/c I'm supposed to, I am still attracted to her...though I no longer know her...
Naturally, she gives no definitive status- perhaps we one day start dating each other, she suggested...this after her begging for MC and going to any lengths...
I know that I effd up by making myself too available, by having no assigned value by doing so...
BUT- my goal is not the M- it's in there somewhere, but I really want to move n w/ my life.
I feel badly being ready to file when W is seeking IC, but there is no way I'm going to wait things out for her to finish IC then D me anyway...
I will not pursue- though simply seeing her and hearing her state things I've always wanted to hear does "make" me want her in my life...I do miss her as my friend, companion, and confidant- BUT these things she is not, and hasn't been for nearly 8 months.
I feel good, I am glad the "fall" was so short and not spread out over weeks or months...she is still a WAS through and through- she just needed to know I was still around, and I gave that to her.
I'm saddened that she is so miserable, I am saddened that she has so much pain.
But my life isn't so bad- it's just missing a familiar face- but at this point her's is merely a face in the crowd...
for those of you still reading, thank you...I will take some time to catch up on other's sitches.
I e-mailed W asking her to contemplate her motivations and if her timing was at all based on: failed R w/ OM living w/ MIL depression and learning I am ready to walk
She was belligerent in her response.
Why are you trying to reason with a crazy person? Whatever it is she is going through you won't be able to understand it or reason it out or anything...ANYTHING. She doesn't know why she is doing it. She is in pain and just running. You cannot stop this or do anything to help other than to help yourself. LET GO!
Originally Posted By: jasper67
I do have loving feelings for W, but I only saw pain in her eyes...I cannot save her-
THIS is true
Originally Posted By: jasper67
I feel good, I am glad the "fall" was so short and not spread out over weeks or months...she is still a WAS through and through- she just needed to know I was still around, and I gave that to her.
Why are you divorcing her? IMHO you have missed an opportunity here my friend I am hearing damaged goods, WAS. Drugs and you're glad the "fall" was short?
I am not talking about saving your M I'm talking about saving you. This is all stuff she did to YOU not what you have dealt with and decided for YOURSELF. So now you have to divorce her.
this "fall" will not be short my friend if you don't commit to making a better YOU. Divorce her if it's your choice not because she is damaged goods-do you think she wants to be damaged goods? She doesn't know what else to do.
If you had completed this process you would not be saying this about your W.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
"The fall was short" for me, not for W...I am devastated for her- the pain she's in etc. But I did not invest emotionally in this recent event...the "notion" that W was wanting to "work" on things.
I really don't want to D her- EVER...but I feel that I can not really live in LIMBO much longer- being committed to someone whom is not at all in my life.
I know she might not always run or go for challenges or use drugs again...SO much damage has been done. I keep thinking of future family interactions where the discomfort and pain is too immense to enjoy anything.
I know I can't see the future so my thoughts are w/o real perspective.
I just don't know what else to do...I do feel badly that the "truth" is out there to her friends and family (drug use), and that W is seeking IC...I know that my seeking D at a time like this is "cruel" or "damaging"...those are not my intentions...
I feel like a hostage and like my life is passing me by...I never really gave up on W but I feel like I'm about to, not as a person but as my W.
Allright Jasper. Get your water wings on we're going into the deep end of the pool.
It doesn't matter what W has done. It is her sh!t not yours unless you let it affect you or poison you.
It wasn't done to hurt you. She is in a place you will never understand. The only thing you need to know is that it has nothing to do with you.
Now this is easier said than done you got to feel the pain, detach from the pain, grab yourself by the nuts to make sure you still got em, and then STAND UP
STANDUP
For what you believe...if it's your M then do it FOR YOU
STANDUP
For your principles For the better in "better or worse", the BETTER YOU
STANDUP
To become the better man you want to be. To be a healthy man. To NOT be one of the walking wounded.
The journey to this place is hard but in the end you will not ...
...leave your W because she is damaged goods.
You will not use language like that about her because you will not feel the pain that created those words...
It will be behind you.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
What True said is spot f*cking on! Spot f*cking on. Look man - you really need to step back and think about what YOU really want. If it is to stand than DO IT. If it is to D then DO it. Someone gave me some advice when I was in the middle of totally srewing up my sitch. I thought I was done. I thought I had enough. I thought too much damage was done. Here is the simple piece of advice..
WHATEVER YOU DO MAKE SURE THAT YOU (stress YOU) WILL NOT HAVE ANY REGRETS.
In my sitch, that made me reconsider filing. I decided after chewing on this piece of advice that I DID NOT want to file. In my sitch, my W ended up filing. You know what...I know accept that she OWNS the D. Yep - she owns it. So what are you REALLY willing to own? Remember, time may change your mind. Remember that every sitch is temporary!
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
