The day started out fine. We had breakfast, built Legos, played. Then we went to get The Boy some new shoes.
Big Effin' Mistake.
Because the mall, being the mall, was full of families out for Mother's Day brunch. The parade of MomsandDadsandKids was not lost on Themselves. Nor on me. I felt bad for them; I felt bad for me; I felt bad about feeling bad for me when I should've been focusing on them.
Had to bug-out. Since then, my chest is in a vise. I have to call the Head Shrinker. I think I'm having anxiety attacks or something. Had to sit them down in front of a movie and retreat to my bedroom to cower in a corner. Man, I feel bad.
Respectfully disagree. We have total control over how we react/don't react and care/don't care about what they do, think, say, etc.
Sorry Gardener - I was refering to the actions of the WAS. We can only control ourselves.
SP- Up and down we go but look how long its been since the last time you felt this bad. That gap will just get bigger and bigger between episodes of lonliness or whatever.
When I look at all those COUPLES and families I always think that I have no idea how they are feeling or living. You know that there would of been some of those "happy" families who were looking at you enviously SP.
Count your blessings - gratitude journals are great for reminding us in these down times just what we do have. Its hard to think of how good we have it when we feel like S#$%.
So jot even some words down that will remind you of your blessings but only when your feeling your mojo
Yeah, took my kids to dinner tonight and was the only mom not there with a husband...then heard a song on the radio on the way home that my XH used to sing to me and started crying. Luckily kids didn't see it....
Hope you get a chance to see the headshrinker. Mine is out of town the next two weeks so I have to wait...
I'm sure you felt bad 'parking them in front of a movie' but at least you didn't melt down in front of them...
I felt bad for them; I felt bad for me; I felt bad about feeling bad for me when I should've been focusing on them.
Had to bug-out. Since then, my chest is in a vise. I have to call the Head Shrinker. I think I'm having anxiety attacks or something. Had to sit them down in front of a movie and retreat to my bedroom to cower in a corner. Man, I feel bad.
Sorry, SP.
When I was going thru my stuff (and this still happens, but far less frequently), I noticed that I would have these periodic "episodes." I reasoned that it was because we have to be in "game face" mode so much, and we stuff our true feelings in order to lead the family, that it just hits us all at once sometimes.
I do think it's healthy, though, and it's PERFECTLY understandable.
Think of it as a relief valve. Lets off the excess pressure, so you can get back to a healthy level.
Now as many of you know, whenever STBX is frustrated with my "lack of flexibility" -- in other words, my unwillingness to ask, "how high?" whenever she says, "jump!" -- she runs to her lawyer to complain.
Monday, a STBX custody day, The Boy had a bug and couldn't go to school. Hearing nothing of his status for the entire day, I sent a brief text -- in accordance with our rules -- simply asking how he was. She replied that he was still struggling and she might need to drop him off at this house the next morning [today] if he was still unwell, because she couldn't be home from work 2 days in a row.
That was a problem -- I had a job interview today in Other Coast Coastal City and was planning on a 0500 departure from Coastal City Airport for a 1330 arrival (local) at Other Coast Coastal City Airport, a 1500 interview, and a 2200 (local) departure for home, so that I could be back on Wednesday, which is my custody day and when The Boy has a therapist session anyway.
When I told her of my flying plans, she immediately brought Teh Batsh*t Crazy -- why hadn't I told her this before?Um, boundaries? Personal business?Unacceptable! Unacceptable! (I practically heard the Conhead meps! meps! coming out.) If she'd known, she would have rescheduled her important Tuesday event! There I go again, being inflexible!
Now I had only learned of the opportunity to interview that very afternoon and booked an incredibly painful frequent flier trip, because the opportunity was so good. But we had mediation scheduled for next week, so why blow it up now? So I said I'd look into fixing it one way or the other, in that all-important spirit of flexibility which, apparently, means she goes off and misses important kid functions and scoffs at the suggestion of rearranging her busy personal life while I voluntarily forgo economic opportunities to care for a child.
But at this point, you see, she was in The Zone. She didn't understand a word! I was talking gibberish!
And then she started wigging out about Wednesday, though Wednesday was not even at issue, because by dam she has a 2 o'clock flight for (another) Big Weekend on Wednesday and she was dammed if I was going to mess that up with my inflexibility, and when I asked her to just read what I'd written -- that I was out-and-back on Tuesday and had said nothing about Wednesday so why was that even part of the discussion? -- she declared she would "let my lawyers deal with it!"
At which point I was not, as per the @Gypsy Doctrine, impeccable with my words -- and here we see the Infinite Wisdom of same -- when I suggested to her that perhaps she might go and perform an anatomically possible feat upon herself and therewith ended the interchange.
So, as per her usual, she went whining to her lawyer first thing this morning, who went complaining to my lawyer and making all kinds of threats, and then my lawyer....broke up with me.
Just not worth it. Too little at stake in the dissolution to have to deal with hearing from her lawyer on every trivial complaint.
So. Here I am. On my own -- literally -- against a lawyer with a lawyer; a lawyer whose friends are all lawyers; whose sibling is a lawyer; and whose BFF from law school is a divorce lawyer.
And all I wanted was a better-paying job. Ain't that a kick in the pants?
Suggesting to your divorcing spouse to stop a self imposed cavity search though a helpful perceptive comment leads to ire.. as you well know.
However... we seem to share some common behavior in our relationships with departing spouses. It's all about them, meeting their needs, shouldering the responsibility for the children because we are all about family. We were well trained. I never would have broken up a family, period. Though now that I am freed from the bondage, I find that most of it's the same. Oops.. and that I'd been raising the kids mostly on my own the entire time. Only I'm no longer feeling like crap and I recognize the manipulations and bullying to the point where it's almost comical.
Divorce means two households. It means two separate schedules. It means that each party is responsible for 'their' time. It doesn't mean the other spouse jumps in to fix it. To accommodate the whims of the other parent.
A simple call to see how your son is doing spirals into plans changing like jumping beans on acid playing hopscotch.
She can't miss two days out of work. Okay. But finding appropriate care for your son gives you right of first refusal but does not mandate you changing plans, period.
It's like the former spouse gallivanting in Europe and saying he doesn't have time to sign and notarize papers as important for him as it is for me. Hello, if it was business he'd be all over it like flies on... flypaper.
So, it comes down to priorities. And she's still wheedling you. Pushing your buttons, tweaking you to jump, change your plans while insulting you and your lawyer to the point where you're dumped.
My advice, ask your estranged lawyer for the best individual he'd recommend for a case like yours. Just because she is and has lawyer buddies, doesn't make her almighty and powerful.
And your lawyer is a wuss puss, too. She is an adulterous, conniving, selfish, manipulative woman who's not afraid to play dirty and use every trick in the book to undermine you and your legal representative. You're all about strategy, making things happen. You're smart, creative and a warrior. Use it.
She IS your adversary.
As my sister told me as I sat waiting for the final settlement the day of the divorce. Take the focus off the children. Treat it as a business proposition, cut and dry. Get the best possible deal and walk away.
The love and devotion you have to your beautiful children is heartwarming. But don't let her use them as emotional pawns because it is plain wrong on so many levels. And as harsh as it sounds, it works against you and the kids when you agree to this type of splattering guilt and whirling dervish frenzy.
When I told her of my flying plans, she immediately brought Teh Batsh*t Crazy -- why hadn't I told her this before? Um, boundaries? Personal business? Unacceptable! Unacceptable! (I practically heard the Conhead meps! meps! coming out.) If she'd known, she would have rescheduled her important Tuesday event! There I go again, being inflexible!
She wants the dynamic to stay the same. You need to change this or you will be dealing with this for years to come.
Knock em dead on the interview.
Opportunity for you to find a better L.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
