From the end.. spring new beginnings

[Bridgestone]

Conflict is an attachment in and of itself. By holding on to that finger-pointing, justified as it may be, you're still holding on. There is as much of an attachment with disappointment or anger/hate as with love.

After our session on the decks with my cold beer, sans yours, I spent some more time thinking about what you had put here. As usual, you make me think about things in ways I had not before. I so appreciate that about you.

The thing to strive for is not feeling the need to comment on it anymore. To let that attachment, and the associated tally-card of who did what, go - frustrating as that may be.

yes it is frustrating. I have gotten some better with that, the need to rehash every word & nuance of what he says and needing to understand the "WHY" is fading. He is who he is.. part of thanking him for continuing to do things that are part of the reason I left him, does help keep me in the moment & detached. Maybe that's a twisted way to do it, but for me it helps me be move along that detachment continuum.

He is who he is and I can recognize his behaviours as something I don't want in my life....just as I can watch a acquaintance/colleague that I'm getting to know here and recognize that they exhibit behaviours & values that are not something i want in my life.

With the XH... I'm reducing the value I place on our R when I see it.. the sum is not to zero yet. I recognize that and I right now I struggle to see when in my life I would have a zero value in some type of R with the man. Maybe I'll get there maybe I won't.. for now, I can recognize it's not there.

This particular exchange last week with him, for some reason, was very hurtful, yet it helped a lot of pieces click into place for me, which gave me some peace. It helped many of his actions over the past couple years make so much more sense to me.. it helped to answer the "WHY".

Which alleviated some of my inner blame & guilt... that I didn't do enough to work the process, that I didn't stick with it long enough, that I didn't support him getting the IC help he said he wanted & needed to work through his own issues to come back to MC in a more healthy place.

When I step back & look at that through the lens you helped me see with I can see how that is more of me thinking I can control outcomes, by taking on the blame.. in an indirect way it's me thinking that I could have made a difference.

Trust me,

I do and given my past I do not give trust easily... yet that is why I think abot what you say. Because i trust you & know you care about me to tell me these things in a way that helps me reframe it. That is a priceless gift. Thank you.

. Until you learn to truly accept that it was what it was and to let it go, you'll never truly be free.

perhaps not

Leave that completely behind and trust solely in yourself now.

I want to be able to trust someone others in my life too. I'm not sure how to walk this line and maybe I'm not understanding what you mean by trust solely in myself??

Not trying to be a wet blanket on your progress, because it seems like you're doing great.

.. most days I am ... this week & week-end has been me GAL'ing a lot trying to get into a better frame of mind to think about these things. I have a dear friend who is also going through some similar issues with her H.. the physical stuff & it's triggering things for me, not bad.. just feelings & I know they pass.

Thanks for being here.
Peace

Bridge

[Bridgestone]

An update..
Life has been good.. things are moving along & moving forward.
Spring has come to the land, warmness, new life, new directions.

Building friendships continue to have priority for me right now in life, as well as continue to nurture existing ones. I learned the hard lesson of what a 'true' friend is through out the ordeal of separation & divorce..

and I am using what I learned to cultivate relationships that are healthy for me.

I'm contemplating a undertaking radical personal expression experience in early fall that would push my boundaries and widen my horizons.

I'm not sure quite yet what is holding me back from accepting the invitation to embark on this adventure... I have gotten as far identifying 'fear' 'uncertainty' and am struggling to understand those feelings and the thoughts that cause them.

Anyways.. things with the new house continue to progress nicely.. I'm having some hardwood floor refinishing estimates done tomorrow & then in 2 weeks will be taking a weeks vacation to spend time with S20 and finish the packing necessary to move at the end of the month.

As always.. thanks to those that read along and those that post.
Peace
Bridge

[lodo]

Radical personal expressions aren't for everyone. It's a bit like jumping in with the sharks in the belief you can fight off whatever threatens you. The experience will probably be exhilarating, but it could also leave you wondering what just happened and why did you do it.

You shouldn't push your boundaries too far if it involves forsaking a personal comfort zone. Otherwise you'll just be miserable. Before you can radically self-express, you need to radically self-preserve. ;-)

[antlers]

If you do the right thing, there's no way you can go wrong.

Take care of yourself first and foremost.

"This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man." - William Shakespeare

[Bridgestone]

Well, it's been almost a month since my last posting. things continue to progress in life and new normal continues to emerge.

My daughter is back with me for the summer and we are in our temporary housing until I take possession of my new home on July 1st.

XH had a hard time with D15 leaving him alone in the house. He ended up drunk texting the night she got here.. Lots of 'poor me' stuff. I answered the first few with upbeat replies & then ignored the rest.


I have a outing (not a date) tonight with a guy friend from a wine group. we are going to see a live band at a bar downtown. just 2 people going out for some entertainment, because we both know it sucks to sit home on a Friday night with no one to do things with & a town full of things to do.

But the dating thing... yeah. Still wondering how that works at 40+. The online dating sites seem to match me with construction workers who smoke or mama's boys who have never been married and are adamant in wanting slim & sexy "gal/girl", with no mention of intelligence, humor, or values.

I've resigned myself to just living my life, being open to opportunities, & letting the 'partner' thing work itself out when it does. A watched pot never boils.

I'm still contemplating the radical personal expression experience in late summer. I've self-preserved enough these past 3 years... it's time to experience.

[kat727]

Good for you! Yea, the dating thing is a big mess isn't it. Most of the sites have the same people on all of them, so really no need to sign up for them all. I think getting into different activities is going to be the way to go.

I think you have a good outlook on it. I need to borrow that attitude for a bit. Have fun tonight.

kat

[Coach]

But the dating thing... yeah. Still wondering how that works at 40+. The online dating sites seem to match me with construction workers who smoke or mama's boys who have never been married and are adamant in wanting slim & sexy "gal/girl", with no mention of intelligence, humor, or values.

So where would Bridge find people who are intelligent, humorous and share your values?

I'm still contemplating the radical personal expression experience in late summer.

Curious minds minds want to know. What is a RPEE?

[mishka422]

The curiosity is killing me too!

[Bridgestone]

So where would Bridge find people who are intelligent, humorous and share your values?

I have found lots places to meet these kind of people.. 99% of them are not single middle aged men I keep hoping some of them might know one (or two) to introduce me to.

Curious minds minds want to know. What is a RPEE?

An extreme camping experience with unbelievable art, amazing music, phenomenal geology and about 20,000 people from all walks of life giving to the community.

[kat727]

Now I can see how you and Lodo would end up friends! Sounds right up his alley.