WAW and the law of attraction

[FormelyknownasF]

I ended up collecting the letters, pictures, etc of my W and I from the apartment. I don't know how or why, some notes my wife made on a pad ended up in that package.

Most of them are lists about things she hate in her life (her parents abandoning her, her friends abandoning her, feeling fat, etc). There also some lists of things she feels grateful for (one of them is me and her marriage.

This just confirms what I already knew, her issues have deeper roots than whatever REALLY happened in our marriage.

My question is, should I give them back to her? Should I throw them away?


F

[PMA_Baby!]

We all know how hard this is, but you have to detach in order to stop focusing on the things you can't control. Just let go... If she wants it she will let you know. In the mean time figure out what you want and for heaven's sake stop the

"paralysis of analysis"

Stay strong.

PMA

[FormelyknownasF]

Thanks PMA. You are right. I just have good days and bad days.
This is not one of the good ones, sadly.

[Lotus]

If you took something of hers by mistake, send it back to her. You set a good precedent. What if she has something that you want back? Just put it in an envelope and mail it. You don't need to put a note in, but if you do, then you could just write, "Sorry, took this by accident."

[PMA_Baby!]

I understand and I'm sorry. Hang in there. Sometimes this rollercoaster will make you want to throw up other times you will be raising your hands high...

I should write that one down. lol. God knows I've experience both.

PMA

[Dudess]

Sometimes I wonder if I'm being too proud.

I don't think you're being too proud. As you said, "still she shows no remorse or willingness to even discuss what happened".

Sometimes I wonder if I should be the one who opens the door.

What if we are falling into that trap of "I thought you didn't care to talk" "Oh, but I only thought that because I thought YOU didn't care"?

But then sometimes, I remember how she has behaved and think I'm exposing myself to yet another of her trademark cold hearted replies.

That could be a concern in many situations, but in the case of an affair . . . I think she needs to be the one to open the door.

I hate myself for even considering this.

Please be kind to yourself F. Your feelings are totally understandable. When we've been rejected by someone important to us, it is important not to also reject ourselves by putting ourselves down for feeling as we do. Just don't act based on those feelings.

Many people feel a need for closure. Others prefer not to discuss anything. It is your life. As long as you don't expect it to work miracles, there's no harm is discussing.

I disagree. I think there can be harm in discussing.

Make sure you walk away with some self respect.

I don't think she's in a position of making me lose what I've gained already.

You are right, she can't make you lose self-respect, only your actions can do that. Act in a way which demonstrates self-respect.

Is she more at ease with what she did because she was able to see I'm fine ?

How should I respond to this "niceness"? I just don't want to take this as false hope.

She may be more comfortable now that it doesn't look like there will be a 'showdown at the OK corral' or moments of high drama. Would this fit with what you know of her?


Re: her notes, I suggest you wait until after the banking is taken care of and then mail with a note as Lotus suggests. I have to admit though, that I would advise differently if you had found a list of things she hated about you.

BTW, are you dating yet?

Nope. I'm meeting new people, yes. Talking to girls more often than I used to but I still feel guilty to cross the line. I'm still married so something inside me feels as if I'm cheating. I need to over come this. Working on that.

Think of it this way, there are situations which only turn around when the LBS becomes interested in someone else. Can you really say that you have done everything possible to save your marriage if you aren't even willing to see other women?

[FormelyknownasF]

Thanks for such a detailed reply, D!
Really, really helps.

She may be more comfortable now that it doesn't look like there will be a 'showdown at the OK corral' or moments of high drama. Would this fit with what you know of her?

Yes, definitely. She hates the drama. (At one point she even said to her BF that she can't stand how dense and dramatic OM was when he talks about his problems with his W).

Can you really say that you have done everything possible to save your marriage if you aren't even willing to see other women?


It's not as if I'm not trying, it just hasn't worked the way I'd like to. I'd like to date but most of the girls I've met are parties and have shown any interest on me were looking for something more physical. I haven't met anyone looking just to date.

But believe me, I'm at a point where I'd love to date someone and practice my self confidence, etc.

[FormelyknownasF]

Reporting from the trenches.

We met today to close the bank account. She was late and a bit tense in the beginning. I made eye contact when I had to but I generally kept looking straight, always smiling, always upbeat. Dealing with the bank clerk rather than with my W.

Again, I could see my W checking me out from corner of my eye.

The meeting ended.

There was an awkward silence when leaving the bank. She softened up and for a second I saw the woman I used to love. I was about to say good bye when she interrupted and said to me:

"Today you look happy"

"Well, It's a beautiful day, isn't it?"

"Yes, it's beautiful"

I really didn't want to have a conversation so I just ended it there:

"Ok. Have a nice day. Bye"

We were both smiling. Anyone there could have easily thought we were flirting.

That's it.

Do I have any hopes? Nope. She's too stubborn and also as soon as she meets her friend she's going to tell her to remember how miserable she felt with me.

And me? I still can't forget what she did.

So no hope for now, sadly.

F

[PMA_Baby!]

You did great. Remember, you shouldn't have to convince your wife to love u. Period. When she's ready and if you're still wanting it u will know.

Peace. PMA

[FormelyknownasF]

Thank you! And yes, you're right, I can't convince her and I won't.

I guess I just feel much better now if this ends like this: with a smile rather than with blame, grudges, etc

I can live with that.

And also... drinks and dinner with friends today

No time to waste pondering when I can just keep walking.