Cause for alarm?

[OfficerInNeed]

You are right. Now once every couple weeks or so, I will come home or wake up to a clean house. She'll clean and organize entire rooms of the house but she does not do the little things (thing I guess can be overlooked). If I say something, I feel like I am then establishing a father-daughter relationship which I DO NOT WANT. Yes, I sat around for many years doing nothing, not even the little things and let her do all the work.

What I found odd and I mentioned this in my other thread. little over a week ago W was on facebook uploading pictures of herself at our wedding, she even included a picture of us on our honeymoon. She then put the pictures on her phone.... a couple days later she is on a family members facebook page looking at their photos and she comes across a picture of us holding hands at our wedding. She saves the picture then sends it to herself in email and it is now on her phone. She then went through our wedding photos folder and there were a couple pictures of her and her family at our wedding, and she sent them to herself in email. The file size was too large for her to download them to her phone though.

The drawback to all this, W was never into facebook and now check it everyday when before maybe once every 4-5 months she might check it out.

I never questioned why she uploaded these photos, but I assumed that she would assume by doing so I would think there was a slight glimmer of hope, so why do it?


I spoke with OMW this morning. She once again told me how great there marriage has been. Sh said before this all happened she even was questioning whether or not she wanted tobe married to OM, once all of this settled they became closer than ever. OM going out of his way to please his W and tells her how much he loves her and how happy her is she stuck by him ect..She said they're sex life is greater than it was before and there has even been talks about a second child.

I told OMW I was happy for them and keep at it and on him. I gave her some DB tips and suggested she read 5LL. I told her to start updating her facebook page and make profile public and say how happy they're marriage is.

[Allen A]

She once again told me how great there marriage has been... they became closer than ever. OM going out of his way to please his W and tells her how much he loves her and how happy her is she stuck by him ect..She said they're sex life is greater than it was before and there has even been talks about a second child.

That is the exact content she should put on facebook, talking about HER having sex with OM and them talking about a second child.. your wife reads that often enough and it should drive this ridiculous fantasy out of her head...

if your wife IS doing some house work don't worry much over that... As long as she's making some effort.

By work I meant her either doing something to enhance her marriage OR taking the time to research how.

Complaining that something sucks doens't HELP, it just makes it worse... REBULDING what's broken or at least researching HOW is the route she should be taking... complaining and escaping solves nothing...

I just have to figure out how to word that in once gentle but impacting stentence...

[Allen A]

As long as your wife keeps fantasizing about OM she's still cheating and she's got to knock that off...

The best way to put an end to that is as always.. hit her with reality... Indirectly is your BEST option here... her reading OMW facebook account and learning OMW is having sex with OM and them planning a second child will show her pretty clearly that DOOR is CLOSED. AND you don't end up looking like the bad guy cause you weren't involved.

Your wife IS lying to you in a way. You warned her that she was a threat to OMW's marriage and she denied it... But secretly she's doing google searches on the guy and fantasizing about him, not to mention pursuing conversation with him after being explicitly asked NOT to...

She IS a threat, and I think she KNOWS that... but she LIED to you and covered that fact up.

I don't know if you telling her she is a threat helps your case though, it may even give her some silly hope that her fantasy has a chance of happening for real...

OMW needs to show your wife that your wife is NOT a threat at some point. THAT is going to kill this thing for good... when your wife actually realizes she's NOT going to put a dent in that marriage... Right now I think she still hopes she can...

[DaddyLongShanks]

If they have that baby and "new love", the wife will be awoken out of that particular fantasy.

[OfficerInNeed]

The only problem is, OMW is ignorant when it comes to facebook, she has an account but as she told me rarely goes on it. She said she would ask help from someone at work. Her profile it not public though so my W would have to be her friend in order to see these comments.

I am trying to think of other ways to get the point across,if not face book.

What I need is some ammunition that will help create doubt in my W head without pushing her away or making her feel like she has to prove a point. I like the way you put it in a earlier post

"Running away is not going to make either of us happy in long term"

I need more lines like this, I can't use the same one over and over when she brings up the fact she is leaving. I have thought of a few but then when I said them over in my head they came across as pursuit or as if I was daring her. Almost like "You cant be happy out there without me, prove it" and that is NOT how I want it to come out.

[DaddyLongShanks]

OfficerInNeed,

I think if OM and OMW continue on the path they are on you don't have to help it any. Your wife will eventually come to the conclusion on her own. She will sting in pain, and you are going to be there to catch her.

All you can do is wait, and be taking care of yourself while you do. I wish I was in the same position as you are today.

[Allen A]

The problem DLS is that OM is NOT setting the record straight with OIN's wife.. he's leading her on...

If OM was acting like a husband and an adult OIN your wife would not HAVE these fantasies... OM is feeding them to her somehow... Or at the very last he's NOT saying anything to dispell them... I can't imagine your wife is just stalking this guy and he's completely innocent... your wife got these ideas in her head from someplace... He's leading her on somehow.. and he's got to knock it off... I suspect he's telling his wife one thing and telling YOUR wife something else in private.

Right now he's painting it out like he's completely innocent and your wife is some sociopathic stalker.. I doubt that's the truth of the matter... I think he's more involved in this than he's letting on...

That's why I wanted the facebook thing, it was ONE STORY in writing that BOTH women would be reading... it cuts out all the lies when its written and in public view...

You could tell your wife you want to REDUCE the amount of calls you get from over there and asked her to look into using facebook to keep you updated...

Then OMW sends you BOTH invites to her facebook account as friends in the GUISE of her not wanting to call you so often.

She just has to update the account regularly...

Facebook is stupid for the most part, I have seen so many people hurt and cheated on with that damn software it's sickening...

But it may prove of some use here...

[OfficerInNeed]

Today is now a continuation of yesterday.

W comes home, I tell her how the dog hurt herself ect.. W goes up stairs and W said "you going somewhere?" I said "I thought we were going to visit you <fathers GF name> at the hospital" she said "I don't know yet, I am in an aggravated mood, I been in one since yesterday....I just want to know who said this"

Then she asks "any phone calls?" I said "you would be the first to know if I got a phone call" she replied "Let me find out you know who is telling her these things and your not telling me. It is better you tell me know then later."

I said "Who she has looking out for their marriage is beyond me, I told you everything that was said and how it came about, it caught me by surprise, according to them their marriage was going great and then this nonsense happens" and W says "Yeah and I want to know who"

The conversation carried on...W said "I work with these people an I think we are all civil and here they are talking behind my back, I want to know who it is so I can confront them or at least avoid them and know not to be around them"

Here is where I kind of applied pressure

I said "I dont know who it is, why would it matter, if there is nothing to hide or nothing going on then the person would have nothing to report to his W"

W responded "There is nothing going on that's the thing, a hi or bye ? cant even do that is how it is, so its like F-U and carry on?"

I said "TO be honest, I think that is the point they are trying to make, no communication."


I said "People talk, they say things, when they were saying how you were sleeping with him that did not phase you, you simply said 'people can say whatever they want' and now someone said you two were talking and you are extremely stressed over it, I don't get it, doe snot bother you they say you were having sex but does when they say you two are talking??"

W said "Now your getting ridiculous...I had an idea who was saying the stuff before, I don't know who is saying this now and I want to know who.."
Then I started to try to calm her "I hate seeing you like this, all stressed out, it is preventing you from living your life and doing things. You tell me how stressful this job is and how you hate it, why not get away from the stress? For years you said this job makes you miserable"

W said "your right and I am still there, cause there is nothing else"

I said "Move to a job less stressful, what is holding you back?"

W said "Because I need the money to pay bills"

I replied "There are far less stressful jobs out there that pay comparable"

W just gave me a look and said "I'm going to take a bath" and closed the door.... I said "OK, try and relax"


I am sure I left some out and I hope I handled this OK. I tried not to argue her feelings but make it a point this is what OMW/OM want...

[OfficerInNeed]

OK a little more was said after she got out of bath and came into bedroom

W came in room, grabbed computer, went onto facebook...
I had made a post on facebook a day or so ago

Psalms 109:2, "For the mouth of the wicked and the mouth of the
deceitful are opened against me: they have spoken against me with a
lying tongue."


I been posting bible quotes on facebook fro a couple months now...She asked "Whats this?" I asked "What" and she said "This post you made, what is that suppose to mean?"

I said "Its a quote from the bible that I liked" and she said "I know its a quote form the bible but why this one, and she had a slight smirk on her face"

I said "Nothing to it, I don't like dishonest people and neither does the LORD and read the quote, liked it and posted it."

Maybe I went a little too far with the quote posting...

Wife then shut down her computer and covered up.

I asked W "Do you plan on going up to the hospital?"

W replied "I am very stressed out, I do not feel like doing anything"

I said "We have not went up to her in a few weeks, last time I went she was asking about you, it's not fair to her...don't let this consume you"

Then a few moments later I said "You been working where you are for 3 years now, 2 months into the job you started to tell me how much you hate it and how stressful it is. For nearly 3 years every day you would come home tired and stressed out...I hate seeing you like that or know that this job makes you feel this way. You told me the people you deal with and the people you work with stress you out, you hate the job. You worked so hard toward your education I would hate for you to give it up for a job you can't stand. Consider a leave of absence or go to part time and put focus back on your education, you owe it to yourself."

I probably went overboard that is why I ended it there. She has a lot in her head, a lot to think about and I just gave her more to think about so I am going to back off and give her space.

[Allen A]

Yes back off for now.. she very likley is going to get suspeicious that you are just trying to get her AWAY from OM

Let me warn you one thing.. if your wife leaves there then you have no one watching out for her... a lot of fresh new people at a new worokplace and you know none of them so have no contacts tehre..

I would just let her stay where she is if that's what she wants right now... infidelity often dies out like this... something that seemed romantic and exciting becomes ugly, stressful, and something they want to AVOID instead... she's experiencing that now... the gossip, the lies, the exposure... she hates it, but she and OM created this environment.. let her LIVE in that for a while... she needs to LEARN what straying and following other men around DOES... if you tell her to LEAVE and escape she learns nOTHING...

THis is the SAME message you want her to learn about marraige... I would be encouraging her to STAY and REBUILD her reputation there rather than telling her to escape... you arnent helping yourself...