Thank you for your positive post, I needed that. I am losing hope so fast it is not even funny. I have lost my best friend and I am so lonely. I realize that everyone says not to give up but it seems like most people on here are at least communicating with their spouses, mine will not even entertain the idea, he is done and has shut down. I had hoped that leaving him alone and giving him time would help but it has just proven to him that he is better off without me.
m-34 w-33 d-15 s-10 m-11 years t-16 years bomb - Feb 24/10
I am not an expert on depression or MLC, but it would seem to me that if these were the case, he'd be WAFFLING more. His certainty, combined with his aggressive re-writing of marital history, suggests to me that there is OW.
The problem is he is still waffling, this weekend he was having a bad time and this was his response, but everytime he is having a good day and we talk he waffles. This is what I am having trouble with. I know this probably does not make any sense since I started today with it is over and you are right, it probably is an OW, but until I can prove it I cannot get an answer on it. When he is having a good day and I ask him questions like is it over for sure, or do you want me to start the seperation process and he can't answer me, yet on a bad day he very clearly tells me what he is feeling, I am just not sure which personality to believe.
m-34 w-33 d-15 s-10 m-11 years t-16 years bomb - Feb 24/10
Hi Hockey, I completely understand about stress triggering blow-ups and about completely neglecting the M because of all of the kid activities (btw - two of mine play hockey as well). The one key helpful tip I received on here which really resonated with me came from Bridgestone who suggested I look at the work of Dr. Steven Stosny. As soon as I read his stuff I knew he was talking about me. Google him and see what you think. He does have a focus on marriage but I'm looking it for myself more in terms of how I can get past my rage issues. Of course the stress of kids and married life and work often trigger anger but I know I have been downright abusive and that if I am honest with myself these patterns extend beyond my marriage. This may not be true for you but for me I am hoping that Dr. Stosny's approach will help me. I pray my marriage will come back stronger than ever but right now that is just an unknown.
Not sure if any of this was helpful but I hope so and my heart goes out to you!
A
M - 46 H - 47 T - 20 yrs M - 19 yrs DS 7yrs DS 6yrs DD 4 yrs Bomb - 4/3/10 My Sitch
So I am having a hard time right now not contacting him. I know it is the right thing to do but all I want to do is call him. So instead I am writing on here....I will never understand how someone can rip their family apart and not even care about the ramifications of this.
m-34 w-33 d-15 s-10 m-11 years t-16 years bomb - Feb 24/10
When he is having a good day and I ask him questions like is it over for sure, or do you want me to start the seperation process and he can't answer me, yet on a bad day he very clearly tells me what he is feeling, I am just not sure which personality to believe.
I'm not a vet ... but I'm learning fast (have a look at my sitch) and one of the first things you need to do is STOP ASKING QUESTIONS! Think like a lawyer - don't ask questions you don't know the answer to, and don't ask questions if you know the answer but don't want to hear it!
The best advice I could give you right now is: if it pops into your head as what you want to do ... just DON'T! What is going to work is counter-intuitive so it will require conscious effort on your part. The other tip that has helped me a LOT in the last few weeks especially is "only believe 1/2 of what you see and none of what you hear!" ... this has gotten me through many a day!
Right now, you need to focus on you ... eat well, exercise, breathe, meditate, laugh (youtube and America's funniest home videos is good for this!) and love your kids!
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
I realize that everyone says not to give up but it seems like most people on here are at least communicating with their spouses, mine will not even entertain the idea, he is done and has shut down. I had hoped that leaving him alone and giving him time would help but it has just proven to him that he is better off without me.
same thing happened with my W - zero communication worked and she was only happy when i left her alone.
Originally Posted By: puppy
I am not an expert on depression or MLC, but it would seem to me that if these were the case, he'd be WAFFLING more. His certainty, combined with his aggressive re-writing of marital history, suggests to me that there is OW.
have to say one of the first things i saw as well in your thread - trust your gut and listen to puppy, sadly the man has seen too many of these situations and been right.
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
Oh yeah ... and the book is called "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" by Pat Love and Steven Stosney ... a great read - I even found it useful for dealing with S4!
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Another hard day, not sure how I can stay positive at all when he is so closed off. I know that everyone says just give him time but will that really work or do I have to give up?
m-34 w-33 d-15 s-10 m-11 years t-16 years bomb - Feb 24/10
Just wondering if anyone of you and I am sure there are many have done the one on one couselling through this website. I am pretty strapped for cash so before I go ahead and do this I wondered if it was really worth it. I would do anything to save my marriage but before I invest a bunch of money I would like to hear some feedback.
Thanks,
m-34 w-33 d-15 s-10 m-11 years t-16 years bomb - Feb 24/10
