MLC - standing by my man

[seeking answers]

Mila,

I think you handled the sitch wonderfully! Please try not to let it get you down as unfortunately it is par for the course. I've received similar emails from my H.

Will write more later. Put your PMA on and have a great day!

(((Hugs)))

[SecondChance]

Mila,

My WH is like that too, but he says it, doesn't email it, so I can forget what he said. Though I wouldn't delete the email, save it but off the desktop, make a folder, put it away for another day.

As far as I can tell, there are 2 big things going on when they do this.

1. Control. They want the same control over everything, you and D included, as they had before. But it doesn't work that way, they can't walk on the family relationship and still expect everyone else to behave the same. Hard as it is for you to watch and hear, HE will have to learn this / face this life lesson, and it's not a nice one for HIM. (The good news is that OW will have to face this with her family too, and hopefully maybe this will ultimately drive them apart, but right now they are angry).

2. Acknowledgement. They want you to acknowledge what they are doing with their lives, and to agree that it is right. I could never do this. I don't believe it's right, and neither does most of the human race, except perhaps the OW. He will also have to learn this, do not (Mila, do NOT!!) acknowledge that this behaviour (from running to OW to temper tantrums) is right.

MLCers make bad spouses!

[ericmsant2]

Mila

Just wanted to say ignore the email. Do not let yourself get dragged back into HIS crisis.


Here is my interpretation of his email (from the perspective of a former controling manipulative bas*ard that I WAS):

I didn’t hear from you regarding the weekend,

I need to control you and wanted to keep one foot in the door because I am confused and I think the grass is greener on the other side.

You want her to take more responsibility for herself, but you don’t show her enough trust and respect!

Let me project how you feel about me towards you in the context of our D.

because you think I WOULD INVATE YOUR PRIVACY, SINCE YOU DON’T TRUST ME EVEN A LITTLE BIT!!!

I can now see YOUR boundary very clear and I do not like it, so I'll try and throw a little guilt your way and remind you that you do not trust me. I'm hoping you will respond with the kindness you have showed me over the years by saying you do trust me.

then it’s going to be very hard to continue working together.

Now that I have laid down the guilt treatment...I'll try and manipulate you a little by bringing our work arrangement into the discussion.

I understand your anger towards me

Let me give you a little more guilt and make it appear as if I do not have any issues. I can do that by saying that YOU are angry at me and not admit that I am angry at myself or that you have a RIGHT to be angry.

but I am the same man as I have been over the years we have been together

Okay...let me reach a little and let her know that I still really want to be with her. The best way to do this is to remind her of the good times we have. (Personally IMO - this is more manipulation. This is another example of your H wanting to have a foot in both places).

and I don’t understand the exaggerated extend of the distrust you feel towards me!

A little more guilt for you...cause I cannot own up to my role in this. It is much easier for me to continue to blame you and not own up to the fact that I am having the affair.

Especially now, after what I did last year, I wouldn’t lie.

This is my own guilt and then an attempt to cover it up. Whatever he did last year should not compensate for the pain that HIS actions have cause. Interesting that he said he wouldn't lie. Another example of how he does not want to accept his role in this and what's to keep pushing it back on you.

The only way I can go on in my life, for myself, not for others, is to make sure I live and act openly and truthfully.

Let me JUSTIFY my actions by saying that I am doing things for myself. I'll then follow it up with a point to show you that I am really a nice guy.

I wish you could believe me

IMO - this is another example of how he does not want to let you go. He wants to control you. He wants to keep you on the side lines while he figures this out.

it would be easier for you, but if you don’t, it’s your loss

As part of my control and manipulation...I will now tell you want is good for me. If you do not listen to ME (more control) then it will be your loss. This is my attempt at control and pleading at the same time.

I know who I am and how I live my life.

I am really scared and confused but I need to hide that from you so I will show you that I have thought this thru.

Mila - IMO your H is really confused...really wants to manipulate you...wants to control you. He really wants you on the side while he figures this out. The question you will need to answer for YOU is what does Mila really want. What can Mila accept? What is best for Mila and D.

I may be way off base and you know your H much better than I or anyone else on the board does. Personally, I say cut him off completely. Let him go. Let him go figure his issues out. Stop letting him drag you back in.

Mila you are amazing women with a great deal of compassion and class and you deserve better.

God Bless you (and I am sorry if I have said anything that may have offended you)

Eric

[Cyrena]

Hi Mila,

I just wanted to say something about MLCers & anger in general. I can't remember what you said about your H's background, but if your H was like most of these MLCers, he was not "allowed" to be angry, even when his childhood gave him reasons to be.

My H, for example, had a mother who was the "angry one" in the house, and H felt he was the main target of her outbursts. I'm sure, in the way children have, that he felt guilty for "causing" such explosive anger. He also feared being angry himself. As a result, he learned to be a "nice guy," to suppress his anger, to "take" more from others than he should. So, for example, if his boss wanted him to work overtime or all weekend with no recompense, he didn't know how to say no (because he was afraid of making his boss angry at him) AND he'd suppress his own anger at being treated unfairly by being robbed of his down time. In other words, his fear of anger had prevented him from growing up properly.

Was your H somewhat like this?

Because if he was, when the MLCer spews or sends vitriolic emails, try to think of him as learning how to try on anger. He was not modelled "appropriate anger" as a child, so he's going to get it very wrong at first. He's going to try thunderclaps from the heavens, like his parent showed, at first, and he's going to have tantrums like a normal toddler would have been allowed to have, with a different parent, and he's going to try sneering, mean anger like some of the kids at school, and he's going to have those I-don't-understand-what's-happening-to-me adolescent rages ... and in the end, if all goes well, he's going to learn to understand, control and use his anger quietly and effectively.

Now, while he's getting on with his task, you can get on with yours, giving his spews only the minimal attention they deserve.

[Marked&Healed]

On the contrary, Mila, I think you do have the words and what you wrote to him was just perfect. You refused to engage and threw a bit of confusion into his fog.

I zeroed in on him saying “I’m the same man I have always been.” Either that was a response to something you said to him once, which it may be, or else it’s from deep inside of him. However, this is a clear indication to me of him realizing he’s NOT the same man he always been and he’s confused. It’s like that old saying “thou doth protest too much.” If he thought he was the same man he always was, he would have no need to mention it. This is an insight into something he’s processing right now.

I think SCh has nailed it also, he is looking for acknowledgement that what he is doing is OK. And Eric is dead on with that analysis of the true meanings behind his spew.

Cyrena, love the “try on anger” angle, never thought of that.

Mila, you got some great, insightful responses to this situation.

I wonder, in fact, since my H is so stuck in NOT showing any anger, if I should poke the tiger after all… just so I can get what you got here, which is a CLEAR indication of where your H is. This is good for you on one side, which is that you now have a milestone to remember, and people have done a great job of analyzing for you.

I know it hurts and you were stunned, but remember me and think about this... My H has shown NO indication of where he is and what he’s thinking. I’m totally left wondering constantly if he’s just moved on and forgotten me. He seems completely happy and has not in months said ANYTHING to me about anything to do with us. It’s like “us” never existed. You KNOW some of what’s going on with your H. I envy you, even in your pain, because to me, feeling anything in the way of feelings, even negative ones, would be better than this limbo and numbness.

I know that’s small consolation, but I threw it out there anyway. Hugs.

[Mila]

Thank you all for your insights and support, I will respond later, just wanted to post an email that H just sent in response.

There is no hate in my email, but yes, there is anger.
I did start the email by acknowledging that I don’t know why you decided not to go. I can only guess what’s going on, since you decided not to communicate with me, I am in the dark.
Am I wrong in my thinking that you don’t want D to stay alone; and you don’t trust me not come in the house? You told me yourself about these reasons, I didn’t just make them up.
You treat me like the enemy... I wish it wasn’t so... But I don’t want to be your enemy...
I know I hurt you. I don’t even want to say I know how much, because you would immediately say I have no idea... I am sorry for the pain I caused you...


Now what....I think that I have to reply something...

[AJM]

Respond? The only question in there you may want to consider responding to is the question about D? This seems like one of those, less is more things to me. You cannot change his mind. You can leave him his space to figure out how to finish his "do-over" to get himself right.

Short and sweet and to the point - "Yep, I don't want D to stay alone. Here's what I suggest we do...." Everything else you've already said. Don't repeat it. You'll just get angry and he won't take it the way you meant it. Or you'll plead or try to point out what he's doing wrong. He knows all of that. Nothing you can do to help that except live your life the way you want to live it. Lead by example so to speak.

AJ

[Marked&Healed]

I would simply say my plans fell through, IF I said anything at all.
Let him twist.

[kissak]

It doesnt really matter why youre not going. It doesnt concern him and if you did explain, he would probably think what he wants anyway. Just my opinion. He is just finding a good way to get you talking to him with the emailing. Just my opinion though.

[Mila]

Thank you again for all the incredible support I get from everyone...you are my lifesavers

HB - You have been there and you have done this that's why your posts and your views on the situation always have calming effect on me and I thank you for that ((((hug))))

SA & SCH - thank you SCH - you are right He wants to control me and seems like he wants my approval for what he is doing.

Eric - excellent analysis from a guy's point of view...makes lots of sense...thank you so much

Syrena - thank you for your thoughts. H always had a short fuse and could be arrogant at times (with employees, to service people when something is not to his liking etc)...but it was hardly ever directed at me until MLC. Issues from childhood? Oh yes, he has plenty of those.

M&H - Very good observations. About the “I’m the same man I have always been.” Yes I did tell him at some point that he is not the man he used to be...that he has changed...his values, priorities etc. He was really upset when I said that...pleading that he has not changed that he is the same. He brings it up periodically....reminds me of a little boy looking for an approval. There is some internal struggle going on with that.
It must be though not to be able to "read" your H. But trust me what mine is doing is not that much better.

AJ M&H & Kissak - thank you, I'm not going to reason with him or try to show him that he is wrong with his warped thinking. If I respond it will be very non-confrontational.

No mater that I understand the reasons behind his spew, it did hurt me. I had a good cry and didn't sleep most of the night because I couldn't stop thinking about the email.

I know that everyone is advising me to ignore it and not to take the email personally and I'm really trying to look at it in the context of his MLC...but wow, he has never attacked me like this and basically accused me of being a bad mother and that really hurts however irrational he may be.

He really crossed the line with that. For the past year he did nothing but lie to me, cheat on me, deserted our family and I was always there for him, excusing his behavior, trying to be understanding...poor guy is going through MLC. I got nothing but emotional abuse from him.

I know that he is in a bad place right now...maybe realizing the consequences of his actions and the impact they may have on the rest of his life....now the question is; will he deal with it or just push it away and continue with self destruction.


(((group hug))))