Hi Mila....somehow it does make it a little bit easier to go back dark when you see how crazy they are acting...It was always easier for me NOT to talk to my H when he was acting "stupid".
Hope you have a great day! Wishing you lots of patience and strength!
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Just dropping in to show some support. I know this stuff is hard and I think you are doing the best you can. You have recieved a lot of advice, some of which I think you really need to consider like truly cutting off any interaction with your H. You have done as much as you can. Now more than ever you need to work on you! This should no longer be about what is not painful for H. This should be about making Mila whole, about healing, about finally letting go. I have said this before...you are a very special women Mila - you need to know this and know that you do not need this. You are entitled to be happy. I am not saying give up. I am saying really let him go. I also agree with seeking to watch what is installed on your pc.
Sending hugs your way...
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
This is probably the wrong time to suggest this as your mind and emotions are not maybe on this topic, but I'll probably forget to mention it later on...
I've been thinking about your business situation with your H and wanted to put an idea out there for you to consider (you may have already thought of this or have had this suggested)...
Have you considered either starting an additional business all on your own or a branch off for your current one with H?
Many people have multiple businesses and it would be a challenge that may help keep your mind off things...
Is there a skill that you have that maybe you can turn into a side business for yourself? Or a service that your existing business could offer that isn't up and running yet?
You seem to be a very strong, capable woman and I feel that having your income rely solely on a business with your H's input level being a factor in its' survival is doing yourself a disservice... Though you can't do what H does for your existing business doesn't mean that you don't have marketable skills in another realm.
I may be way off base and it may not be anything you'd want to do, but I thought I'd offer it anyway...
(feel free to tell me to go jump in the lake! LOL)
~ This Diamond now SHINES!! ;-p ~
My Sitch in MLC - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=45253&Number=1901148#
Kissak - it does make it easier to be "dark" and not to deal with him when he is the way he is right now. Although it's not natural for me, I do have to consciously remind myself to be like that. But yeah...I don't miss the type of interaction that we have had the last time.
Erik - You are right, I have done all that I could...time to step back and take care of me
DG - Thank you for your suggestions...I like the way you think .
I do have a plan that I devised before the last false R. I'm going to implement it now. I'm going to get my license renewed and start again in a business that I've left when my daughter was born. It will take a while to get my license back and to build up business to support me...I'm thinking a year. In the mean time I have to continue with our family business unless it becomes unbearable, in that case I would have to likely abandon both businesses and get a job.
(((group hug)))
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
I'm just shocked....I can't believe the e-mail I just received from WH. So much anger and hate, he has never talked to me like this before in our 36 years together. I'm pretty upset. This is his reaction to me not going away for the weekend. The decision not to go was actually made because my friends couldn't get a ticket for me for the event we were supposed to go to.
I didn’t hear from you regarding the weekend, so I texted D to find out if she knew. She texted me that you are not going. I don’t know what the decision is based on, but if it is based on your belief that D can’t be trusted to stay home alone at this age, it’s a wrong. You want her to take more responsibility for herself, but you don’t show her enough trust and respect! I am sorry. If you think you can’t trust me to go and check on her Saturday evening, because you think I WOULD INVATE YOUR PRIVACY, SINCE YOU DON’T TRUST ME EVEN A LITTLE BIT!!! - then it’s going to be very hard to continue working together. I understand your anger towards me, but I am the same man as I have been over the years we have been together, and I don’t understand the exaggerated extend of the distrust you feel towards me! Especially now, after what I did last year, I wouldn’t lie. The only way I can go on in my life, for myself, not for others, is to make sure I live and act openly and truthfully. I wish you could believe me, it would be easier for you, but if you don’t, it’s your loss, I know who I am and how I live my life. I feel very bad for D!! She thought (and I did too) that you would go and she was so looking forward being home alone. She wanted to show you that it would be OK! You took that chance away from her.
This is what I replied:
Before you pour out all this hate at me you should have asked why I’m not going. Since when did I become the enemy?
I have no words...
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
I'm happy the he wants to see her, but I'm feeling very alone and left out...it feels like my family is there and I'm here by myself and not invited. Very sad....
I saw this happen with husband regarding our son..I was glad that he did not treat son like he treated me..and I could live with the being left out...got used to being alone.
Nasty email...when I read it, I saw where he'd said this:
Quote:
I don’t know what the decision is based on, but if(emphasis on "if" is mine) it is based on your belief that D can’t be trusted to stay home alone at this age, it’s a wrong.
He spewed, assuming that you'd made your decision based on this one thing...and it was a door he thought he could open...and you got it in your face.
Your response to him was a good point..he may or may not answer...this is all a game to him right now.
I see he didn't bother asking daughter why you didn't go..I think he didn't really want to know that..he was just on the attack.
Again, don't take anything he's saying/doing personally..I know this is hard, but the MLC fog/confusion is talking.
I believe the spewing is showing his confusion toward your actions...and hopefully will make him think about what he's doing. I know it doesn't look that way, but I think I said before that sometimes people have to get angry to get better...don't know why that is..but it happens that way, sometimes.
I saw my husband get super angry, but positive things came AFTER those times of anger...one example WAS getting rid of OW as fast as he could do it, as something about his anger made something click within his fogged up brain.
But, I never knew, until action was taken/something positive happened.
Another example was the time I had to push him into a total tantrum because he was fighting the facing of his issues, I saw things thrown, him screaming his head off, me standing there in front of him, invading his space; letting him know he could leave if he wanted to, him screaming that much louder......and I wondered if I were going to keep my own head in the process.
The calmer the LBS is, the MORE angry the MLC'er gets; because the rules are changing; they are no longer getting their way.
As the anger comes OUT, more things seem to be processed within..where it cannot be seen. That is why you NEVER look at the actions of the MLC'er...you can only go with the guidance within and have faith things will turn out the way they need to..and that takes time AFTER a bout of spewing.
That anger has to come out SOME way, and most of the time it spills right onto the LBS...but there is somewhat of a healing as things come out on the table.
He is definitely showing a deep confusion, is trying anything and everything to get you to "back down" and make this all right..and you're not doing that.
I'm hoping the continuing stand off will cause him to "wake up" to what he's doing, but he's not there, yet.
He COULD decide to stop this and go on, but I'm thinking he won't..the connection to you is STILL there, or he wouldn't keep trying the way he has.
This may take some more time, partly because of what was "left over" so long ago...and you will need more strength to continue to withstand the onslaught of insults that may still come in a short period of time.
Something will HAVE to give and soon...he's boiling over like a pot on a stove that's been left too long.
You're doing the right things, Mila, and will know what to do and say as this rocks on...this battle is not over yet by a long shot.
I know it's cryptic, but this is what's coming to mind this time around.
Something tells me you'll know what I mean as you read what's being said.
Keep us posted. I'm doing what I can to keep up..I've gotten rather busy in the last few days, and I will be even more busy, as I'll be running long over the weekend, but will try to continue to keep up with the latest developments.
I'm here when I can be here.
You really ARE doing fine, though you think you're making a great many mistakes...I really don't see anything you could do differently at this time.
Take care.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
