MLC - standing by my man

[Mila]

Received another email from H

Could he come tomorrow morning and do some yard work?

Should I tell him no - that I need space from him?
Should I let him come and work but stay away and not work with him outside?

OW is arriving tomorrow evening for a 4 day visit..her H confirmed it because he is going on business trip and asked her to take the kids she said that she can't to ask someone to watch them...can you believe it?.

[iluvme55]

I would say no.......I THINK??????
She sounds like such a good Mom........NOT!!!!!

[AJM]

What is it you want to do? What would you do in the past when he started bouncing back and forth? Do you want him to come over? Can you handle it?

I would say that last one is the most important? If you need space from him (not want, but need because you can't be positive around him or can't stand the sight of him), then it may not be a good idea.

I know that everyone is advising me to ignore it and not to take the email personally and I'm really trying to look at it in the context of his MLC...but wow, he has never attacked me like this and basically accused me of being a bad mother and that really hurts however irrational he may be.

Have I told you what mine has done? That is soooooo par for the course, your husband must be on the tour. That is EXACTLY what they do. They decide that you are to blame for their problems and it is like they are painting pictures in their heads; dis-remembering the past and recreating it as if it were very evil. "I've never loved you." "I love you but i'm not in love with you" "It's me not you" "it's you, it always has been" "I've had a terrible childhood" "you always treat the kids poorly" "It's because the way you treat the kids I'm leaving" "I don't trust you" Shall I continue? They say it all as if they have a book they are reading from.
I don't advise you accept that. If you're human you'll question yourself. But when you answer the question for yourself, you'll see that you are not perfect, but you are not hideous either. That's him trying to hurt you. Trying to pull you into his craziness. If you have a conversation a month from now, it could be totally different. I think my latest favorite was, "I realize now that you have a different parenting style" Huh? Then it's back to, "because of x,y,z I'm leaving you and you DESERVE it!!" riiiigggghttt.. Ok. Trust me, there are so many more things that they will accuse you of, many of which will leave you scratching your head and wondering what the heck they are even talking about or for that matter, who they are talking about. Let it slide off. Understand that it isn't you. Accept that sooner than later. At some point you will accept it.

He really crossed the line with that. For the past year he did nothing but lie to me, cheat on me, deserted our family and I was always there for him, excusing his behavior, trying to be understanding...poor guy is going through MLC. I got nothing but emotional abuse from him.

I guess you know something that doesn't work, right? You should try to be distantly understanding. Not up close and understanding. This is not the same man you married. He is making choices that he knows are wrong and justifying them to assuage his guilt and make himself feel better by lying and distorting things. Some things are rooted in truth, but many are not. It just is for now. Doesn't mean you have to, or should accept the lies. But don't let that anger you. You have enough to deal with without letting that stuff get to you. Remember that he knows how to get to you. He knows what bothers you. He knows you too well. If he wants to, he can find a way to hurt you, if you let him. Time to stop letting him hurt you. Distance allows that to be possible. And for you to grow. Take that opportunity.

I know that he is in a bad place right now...maybe realizing the consequences of his actions and the impact they may have on the rest of his life....now the question is; will he deal with it or just push it away and continue with self destruction.

Ah. Sadness. Sympathy. Anger. You show them all at the same time. We are complicated creatures, no? But think of it this way: he is going through whatever he is going through. Can you short circuit that? Can you change that? The short answer is no, you cannot. You want to, but you cannot. You should see that in the pattern of him coming back and leaving several times. Perhaps it's time to step back and figure out what you want so that you can succinctly communicate that. That assignment will take time to really get right. When you think you have that figured out, wait a month and re-evaluate to be sure you really do. You need time and so does he. Take that time and be productive.

The OW? Let that go. She is making bad choices and so is your H. There will come a time that they have to pay for their bad choices. It won't happen sooner than that. No matter what you do or say. As hard as that is, the best thing you can do is to remember that people want what they cannot have. If your husband can have both, then why choose? If he has to choose, you have to be ready for his choice, but I think it's time you are ready to accept it either way. He is not done from the looks of it, but there is no telling what he is trying to do other than to manipulate and control.

For what it's worth, I wouldn't let him come over and do things prior to his OW coming over for the weekend. That just feels like him trying to assuage his guilt - Kind of a Fat Tuesday sort of thing - be responsible prior to mardi gras. I wouldn't see that as anything other than you enabling him.

My $0.04 worth anyway.

AJ

[Mila]

Thank you Ilike....I AGREE

Here is my proposed reply:

Please try to understand, this is not to punish you and I'm not angry with you, I just need space from you. So thank you for your offer but it would be better for me if you didn't come.

[seeking answers]

Mila,

My .02 worth. OW coming for a 4 day visit. H wanting to do the yard work. Sounds like a whole lot of guilt playing on H's mind. I'd just let it play. Your response about the yardwork should be, No thank you, I have plans. Nothing else. Your H is trying so hard to suck you back in. He wants you right where he left you and it's giving him fits to find out he doesn't have control over you. Don't give your H any clue as to how it's affecting you. Sorry Bubba, you made your choice.

Let his guilt prey on him and put a damper on the ow visit. Hopefully 'Mother of the Year' will have her own guilt to deal with. Maybe they can both drown in their self pity.

You are a kind woman Mila, but don't be afraid to show your strength and confidence. Your H is going to rely on it when he comes through.

(((Hugs)))

[courageous wife]

SA...you are good! Ditto for me Mila!

[ericmsant2]

Mila

IMO you do not need to let him know you need space. Just say NO. In one of your earlier post you indicated how much damage H has done. Stop allowing him to pull you back in. Stop allowing him to control your emotions. To me it seems like you are WAY to concerned about what he is going to think. Do what you really feel like doing.

Just my 2cents.

Whatever you do- really do it for YOU. Don't worry about how he is going to interpret it. He is lost right now.

God Bless
Eric

[Mila]

Thanks guys - I did it...sent him a reply re: yard work

"thank you but no, I have plans"

[seeking answers]

Atta Girl!

[glamgirl]

Yes simple and to the point. No reason to give anymore information.

I would like to add though I always followed my heart. If I felt like I wanted my h around I allowed it. If I wasn't doing so hot and felt like it would make matters worse I simply said another day.

I wouldn't use the situation to get back at your h just follow your heart on what does Mila want to do or what works best for your situation.

I usually didn't mind help around the house from my h. In fact, I gave him a list of things I needed help with on occasion since my h likes to feel needed. It worked for me and then it was one less thing I had to take care of.

Find what works for you.