Well done Mila......we are so much stronger than we think we are....one day he will realize how much he has lost.....much love to you...and in my prayers.....
Well done!!!!!! You have given your H something to think about. Reading your posts over the last week, my gut reaction is that things can't be that rosy with the OW if your H looks disheveled and is offering to help you around the house.
Keep showing H how much you respect yourself and that you expect respect from others (Think Aretha Franklin (R-E-S-P-E-C-T)). Boundaries.
Thank you all - Hope you are are having a great weekend
AJ - yes...after 36 years together...you kind of mesh together...you know each other so well, you anticipate each others actions and reactions....and you kind of almost become one entity, compensating for each others shortcomings (yes we all have some) and you form expectations about how the other one will act & react.
Well he betrayed me and he broke that bond and the rules have to change. My actions and reactions have to change also. I'm not willing to compensate for his shortcoming any longer. He still obviously expects me to and I do have the urge to "rescue" him and be there for him as always....but the game has become very one sided and I can't allow that. You are right new boundries have to be set.
Quote:
Lifesaving steps: start the breathing (done), stop the bleeding(this phase), treat the wound (next), treat for shock (last).
I'm stopping the bleeding
DG - Thanks I will get the book...:)
Snoderly - thank you. Despite of what WH is doing, he still expects me to be by his side and not only tolerate his behavior, but also to make him feel better about himself and to approve of what he is doing...how twisted is that?
Ilike & TF - Thank you - It's about self preservation now he is on his own
M&H - I also wonder what he will do next. In his current state of mind he is probably angry with me and can't believe that "I'm doing this to him"
GAG - I hope that they have weekend from hell...they are both riddled with guilt and doubts...hard to push that aside to enjoy their "honeymoon"
Last edited by Mila; 05/23/1003:52 PM.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
OW is in town and spending time with H at his apartment. This a very small suburb and it's really easy to run into people...only couple of grocery stores, one gym...you get the picture. I don't even want to go out of the house as I really don't want to run into them...
Yesterday D & her BF were going to visit a friend that lives in the same building as H...I just reminded her that the "Mother of the year is there"...she said "ewww I don't want to run into them"...today she was going to the gym and made her BF go with her just in case they are there, she didn't want to be there alone.
I guess I didn't have to use the "Mother of the year" sarcasm in front of D but she jumped on it right away and said "Yeah she just left them, but look at dad, he did it to me too". It just shows me that even though she doesn't talk about it much...it must really hurt.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Mila, I think you did a great job. Know that you will be tested many more times. That's a good thing, because I think you need to make the boundary setting a real part of you. I suspect that you may have been a bit co-dependent or at least have co-dependent tendancies. Perhaps something to re-examine to be sure you don't have any baggage, right? I really don't know you well enough, but just reading the thread it stands out that it's possible.
Making boundaries is really about you. You need them and to complete this phase of the rebuild to Mila 2.0 you will have to set the boundary that he is not permitted to hurt you as a way of getting your attention or controlling you or illiciting nice friendly behavior. Like a dog that messes on the rug, he should get a newspaper on the nose for doing something wrong. Negative behavior requires consequences.
Again, the anger will be there. I recommend control. And timing. As JTB once mentioned, if you get angry and need to express it, try pounding sand for an hour. At least you'll get an hour's workout out of it. What I'm getting at is that you cannot change him, but you can change the bad behavior he attempts towards you. That is not acceptable no matter what he is going through. You know that, but you now need to stand up to it and enforce the boundaries. Like a child, that's how he will learn. That is also a skill you can take anywhere - you have to use the same skills in any relationship whether with a friend, a grocer, or a busines associate etc.
You did very very well. Keep that up and the bleeding will begin to stop faster and faster. He will lash out in the future most likely. As he internalizes the pain he is feeling, it may become "why is she walking away from me?" or even, "how dare she have a life of her own". I think it's apt that they want you to stay how you are. Control is a large part, but it's also like when you were a child and expected your teacher to wait in the broom closet at night so that they could be there when you got in the next day. It never occurred to you they had a life (and what a wild life many of them have!)
Stay strong. Stay focused on stopping the bleeding and getting a life. That is the second half of stopping the bleeding.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
D was driving back from the Gym and sure enough, they passed H's car just besides our house. She came home and asked "Was dad here?" I said no. She said that he was driving on our street with OW. I had just finished working in the front yard and was working in the back so thankfully I didn't see him. D was wondering why was he around, she got her answer a bit later. Apparently he texted her asking "How is everything" she told him that she saw him and he volunteered that he was playing tennis with OW at the tennis court in the park right beside our house. That's where we used to go play together....There are about 4 other courts in town, why the heck did he have to come to the one right beside our house. He knows that I was going to work on the yard and I also often go for walks in that park...was that on purpose, did he want me to see them?????
It surprised me how upset I was...actually more angry. When I think about it rationally, I know that it shouldn't upset me... who cares what he does with her...but emotionally it's a different story...it really hurts.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
