Good luck Mila. I know that it is easy to get drawn into your h's drama even when you are busy in the house. Stay strong and yes let your h know you don't want to talk about it. Just smile and then say hey got to run do you have everything you need.
None of this is easy. I have learned much of this crisis is about control, so I always tried to not do things that appeared to be that I am controlling my h. That wasn't easy for me since I am a take charge control person by nature.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
Mila, I think something was pointed out that was worth repeating. Boundary. I think from the sounds of it, you need to set boundaries. Proper boundaries. Why? For your sake. He doesn't know what those boundaries are and needs to. I don't think you really know what they are either (that many years married can really blur the line of boundaries, right?) and need to even more. Setting the boundaries is a good first step to getting the respect you deserve. No matter what else happens in this relatinoship, you do deserve that respect. It'll come, and you will take it there. It's your respect and you have to learn to get it. From others as well. You have it in you, I can see that. Now it's time to show it and live it. It'll be much better for you when you do.
There is anger. There is the desire to lash out in that anger. It's just that the anger and hurt aren't the important parts to focus on right now. The way through starts with your self-esteem. That begins with setting and enforcing boundaries. I think you'll see some of that when you read that book as well. People only want what they don't or can't have
Focus more on you, Mila. You need to rebuild you. You are starting to take the steps anyway, and part of that is not letting him to hurt you any more. Lifesaving steps: start the breathing (done), stop the bleeding(this phase), treat the wound (next), treat for shock (last).
You are doing very well for the circumstances, Mila. Really. AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
When H came this morning I opened the door just said brief hi and walked away to fold laundry. He followed me there and asked where that jacket was that he wanted. I said that I'd put bunch of his shoes and clothes in the garage...please go through it and take everything that you still want because I want to take it to charity.
There were also couple of paintings, portraits of him, that I'd put in the garage couple of weeks ago...he came rushing out and said you are not giving the paintings to charity, are you? I said no, I just put them there for storage, because I didn't want to have them displayed anymore.
My tennis racket was on the table...he asked? "are you going to play tennis?" I said "Yes". That reminded him of his racket so he went and got his to take with him.
I basically went on with my chores and gave him one word answers. And I don't think he was very happy.
When he was finished he said "are you at least going to look at me?" So I did...we were looking at each other for a few seconds and either of us said anything.
He was still lingering, saying that he needs something from D room, but doesn't want to wake her, so he will have to come back another time.
Offered again that he could come later today and at least cut the grass for me..."the front really needs it". I said sorry I'm busy today, I will take care of it myself.
Then he said "Besides our situation, why are you so angry with me?" (huh?) I said "I'm not angry I'm just getting on with my life and it's easier for me if I don't see you, or at least don't see you very often"
He said well we need to talk to each other, we need to discuss things....I said that's no problem, we can discuss anytime we need to.
So he finally started to leave...his shoulders down, very unhappy look...I just yelled BYE and continued with my chores...didn't see him to the door.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Mila, You handled the situation extemely well today. Bravo! He's doesn't understand why you are acting the way you are. He was hoping that you would still be the weepy little lady who would grovel at his feet. In his mind, you should have been right where he left you months ago....not happening.
He's going to make excuses to come by. For example, your d was sleeping, now he'll need to come back to get whatever it is he left behind. Mentioning the lawn? Still wanting to be a part of your life, feels guilty for what he's doing.
It was an emotional day, but you got through it and you dealt w/him and the situation in a very graceful manner. Tomorrow will be better for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks everyone for the thumbs up What was my reward for saying NO to him? ..more garden work....slaved on the yard all by myself, grass, pressure washing...all afternoon and more to come tomorrow. OH well it was well worth it...it was time to stop being there for him all the time...I'm not his mommy.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
