And here I am .... H's MLC ....

[PEI]

Thanks TG, I've been lurking and reading for a while now, and I'm even printing the threads and using my highlighter LOL! I read somewhere that I 'can't hurry up his process, but I can slow it down' and I just wanna make sure I don't do that! I'm enjoying getting to know myself again ... turns out I'm pretty cool

Nice to meet you!
PEI

[courageous wife]

Hi PEI

I kinda lost track of you there for awhile. Sorry you are over her on the MLC boards but kinda had that feeling that your H was MLC from what you had written.

You are doing great and reading and learning about MLC has sure helped me to get to a better place in all of this!

[PEI]

Hi CW ... yeah, it's pretty textbook MLC, but without the hate and spewing anger. Not that he's not being hurtful or anything, just that it's not done with the angry outbursts and hate that most seem to experience. Other than that, it's classic MLC.

I'm starting to feel like I've got my feet under me ... and starting to realize how long this may, or may not, take. Better to get wrapped up in me than outcomes and timelines ...

Peace
PEI

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I'm starting to feel like I've got my feet under me ... and starting to realize how long this may, or may not, take. Better to get wrapped up in me than outcomes and timelines ...

PEI,

Wow...ummm that right there says alot.
Your head is in the right place.

I would recommending to armor yourself up a little bit. Figure out hwo you'd feel if he had a physical affair.

I am not saying he did, I am not saying your a wide-eyed wool headed naif. I AM saying that the percentage of MLCers that HAVE affairs and LIE to the LBSer about it...using everything they know and all the buttons they can about and against the LBSer to get away with it is pretty F-ing high. High enough that it is in your best interest to be wary.

I worry about you 'finding' these email address and phone calls?
Accidental is one thing...and in this day and age...highly unlikely that is 'accidental' unless by 'accidental' you mean, you 'accidentally' turned on the omputer, then 'accidentally' clicked on the internet browser he uses, then then you 'accidentally' accessed his email account and 'accidentally' got his password right...or 'accidentally' accessed the internet tools and then 'accidentally clicked the drop down menu and picked history...

One has a better chance of 'accidentally' finding life on Mars than that last example of an 'accidental' string of accidents being a true accident. : )

I'll give you my level best advice.

Just show us you in the real light, not the best light.

[PEI]

Hey Jack ... fair enough ...

I've been thinking about the PA angle and something I read something somewhere (HBs thread maybe???) about only finding out what you could handle or deal with at any given time was a blessing. If I'd found out about a PA any earlier, or discovered them together etc, I would have lost it and we'd be done. Now that I understand MLC a bit better (I say a bit because who ever REALLY understands it other than to understand there is NO understanding ) I like to think that I would still be in a place where I would be able to continue to love my H unconditionally and be willing to consider forgiveness and moving forward. Not sure as I'm not there yet. And just for the record, I am rather wide-eyed but I'm no wool headed naif

Now re the 'accidental finding' ... I honestly didn't see the EA coming ... even defended him to my IC and my best friend when they told me there was probably someone else clouding his vision, so it's true that I was NOT snooping or looking around for stuff because I completely trusted that it was NOT an issue (this was before I figured out that the man I was now dealing with an alien and not my husband!). I moved his sweater and his phone actually fell out of the pocket and since he hadn't shut down his texting outbox the message was right there on the screen to see. I was dumbfounded and didn't snoop any farther - I just called her and then calmly confronted him. Oh, and FYI, he doesn't believe me either but hey, what can I say!

Now don't get me wrong ... this set off a firestorm of snooping and spying!!! I tried to hack his facebook and email accounts, started watching his cell phone records online etc. I was even starting to consider a key logger when he caught on and cut me off from his phone records. I never successfully hacked his accounts so I don't have any email records or anything - thank God! The more I read, the more I realize that in order go forward at some potential point in the future, I do not want details! So once we decided to separate I stopped trying and decided that right now I need to focus on me and stop spending so much time obsessing about who he's talking to and for how long etc (thank you DB coach Cheryl ). Now, thanks to Puppy, I understand how important a transparency plan etc is should we decide to move forward together but since that's not where we are I've shifted my focus and let it go for now.

In May, when I discovered the email addy I didn't know about, it was because it came up in the list of possible usernames in facebook when I clicked on the username box ... I never actually got into (nor did I try!) the account or saw any emails or anything. I just had never seen the address before, so I called him.

I'm not worried about trying to show myself in the best light ... you can't help or give advice if I'm not real ... and that's a huge part of the work I've done in the last 3-4 mos. Getting real. It hurts and it's an ugly process but the rewards are sweet!

Thanks for making sure I was keepin' it real
PEI

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Now re the 'accidental finding' ... I honestly didn't see the EA coming ... even defended him to my IC and my best friend when they told me there was probably someone else clouding his vision, so it's true that I was NOT snooping or looking around for stuff because I completely trusted that it was NOT an issue (this was before I figured out that the man I was now dealing with an alien and not my husband!). I moved his sweater and his phone actually fell out of the pocket and since he hadn't shut down his texting outbox the message was right there on the screen to see. I was dumbfounded and didn't snoop any farther - I just called her and then calmly confronted him. Oh, and FYI, he doesn't believe me either but hey, what can I say!

I believe THAT was accidental.

... on May 14th found an email addy I didn't know about and called him on his cell

I think you went looking for that one. And as I read a little further...hey I was right! : )

I do not want details!

Not if you reconcile you don't. Good for you. Smart.

Here we are going to suggest that you look at yourself...deep find the things you do not like about yourself and kill them.

He called you controlling any truth to that? Do you like that about yourself?

[ericmsant2]

PEI -

Sorry that you find yourself here. You already seem to be getting some VERY good advice.

As Jack has mentioned....(and trust me when I say this) - STOP ALL SNOOPING (I know you had a few accidents, etc) NOW. You really do not want to know what is going on, if anything is at all. The less you know the better off you will be.

You may have moments where you feel like..."if I just knew I would be in a better position" - trust me you don't want to know. Why?

This makes the reconciliation process a lot tougher.

Also, be very careful who you speak to about your sitch. Another no no.

It looks like you've got your head in the right place. Now you really need to start focusing on YOU.

Can you let us know what some of your short term goals are for yourself?

Oh...one other thing to consider....this process will change you if you allow it to. How it changes you, you decide. It is all about YOU.

God Bless,
Eric

[PEI]

He called you controlling any truth to that? Do you like that about yourself?

Far too much truth. I've discovered that my personal insecurities manifested as a need to control just about everything around me, and I disguised it and justified it by convincing myself I was 'helping' or 'fixing' or just 'better at that' than H.

I've gone back far enough to discover that the insecurity stems from me being a shy kid in an alcoholic home (distant emotionally unavailable father) who then became the victim of a bully at school from grade 1 through grade 8. It first manifested itself as promiscuity in high school/college (I could control by using sex and I felt wanted/needed) which then backfired on what little shred of self esteem I had left when I ended up feeling used, empty and discarded. Add to that a realization that my Mom had no control in her life/marriage and you have a perfect storm for a budding control freak!

I met H (and he was soooo different than the other guys/men I was attracting with my behaviour etc - had only been with a couple of women, one other long term relationship - and NOW this is one of his regrets of course!) and our disfunction was perfectly matched. H also grew up in an alcoholic home and took on his mother's 'NO confrontation at any cost' mentality, along with his laid back attitude ... I wanted someone to manage, and he wanted someone to manage him. Add in here that I am the oldest of 5 kids and he's the second youngest of 8 ... and well, there you go.

I HATE it about myself and I have made major strides in conquering that beast. I'm learning to let go. I'm learning that attempting to control everything and everyone actually hurt my self esteem because I now feel like H and friends etc are not really attrated to me, but are there because I MADE them be there. I only want people in my life that are CHOOSING to be there which is what helped me finally agree to the separation. H needs to get out in order to CHOOSE to come back. And in order for us to possibly make it through this labrynth, ultimately he has to CHOOSE me and our family. Any other way would ultimately be seen as me convincing him, or controlling him and would blow up in our faces at some time in the future.


The other side of the control thing, is the lack of control I've had over my emotionally driven behaviour. I was the consumate REACTOR instead of RESPONDER. This is a 180 I've already been really successful with. 6 mos ago I would have been the epitome of the Carrie Underwood video where she's slashing tires and pitching stuff on the front lawn. I got angry (no name calling or meanness, but remember he is extreemly sensitive to conflict) when something did not go the way I wanted to. I personalized a lot of his behaviour and attached far too much of me to what he did or said.

The new me is calm, responsible for my own behaviour and not attached to his, much more laid back and fun. Oh, how I missed being fun

How's that for real?
PEI

[fudwoman]

PEI,
Followed you here - ugh I'm going to miss you. I wish there was a thread for my situation whatever that is - but I honestly don't think it's MLC. I'm glad you have found a place where you can get some input. It's very crowded over at Newcomers and I find that it's hard to get steady feedback which I really need these days.

I promise to visit you and hope you will do the same for me.

A

[PEI]

As Jack has mentioned....(and trust me when I say this) - STOP ALL SNOOPING (I know you had a few accidents, etc) NOW. You really do not want to know what is going on, if anything is at all. The less you know the better off you will be.

You may have moments where you feel like..."if I just knew I would be in a better position" - trust me you don't want to know. Why?

This makes the reconciliation process a lot tougher.

Yep. I get this now. And I have. When I stopped and thought about it, I realized that I would have a VERY hard time removing the mental pictures I was creating and since reconciliation is my ultimate goal, I'm not doing anything that will make that harder from my end.

Also, be very careful who you speak to about your sitch. Another no no.

I have a lot of people in the loop - selectively. And I've pulled WAY back in how much info I share or not. I've learned pretty quickly that most people do NOT understand what I'm trying to do or why.

Can you let us know what some of your short term goals are for yourself?

Sure can

1. Exercise 3-5 times / week. I'm down 17.2 lbs and want to hit 30 by August 1st.
2. Continue to eat so much better than I have in years ... I'm learning to nourish my body instead of fill it!
3. Continue to nurture new friendships and enjoy the company of new friends.
4. Become consistent with activity in my part-time career/business.
5. Read one new personal growth book per month on top of some purely indulgent enjoyment reading.

Oh...one other thing to consider....this process will change you if you allow it to. How it changes you, you decide. It is all about YOU.

Soooooooo true! I am already a different person than I was 6 mos ago, or even 2 or 3 mos ago! I have grown and learned so much ... and perhaps the most important thing I've learned is to never stop growing ...

Peace
PEI