Newbie.Trying with faith and hope to save marriage

[papayachic]

But should I stoop to his level and send a text? Should I call instead and say

"9 years together and the sanctity of this marriage deserve for a husband and wife to discuss their marriage face to face. Not for everything to be done via phone. THis marriage is between you and me, not you me and OW or other outside influences. Since YOU WERE NOT ready to give me, the marriage and God the respect it calls for, THEN I dO not want to talk to you at this time concerning a divorce since I found out we're pregnant.I will go now and spend time with me family."

then hang up and turn off phone

[Onthemountaintop]

Do you think you could talk calmly with those facts? If you can, and you think it would help, then so be it.

I think, once he finds out and acknowledges that he will always be a dad etc, he has a new reason to try one last time. But...that is his decision to make.

Ask for what you want.

Mr. Bond's sugg about a short email that encourages HIM to think (then call) is a good one.

You could also see him in person...that is big (and exciting) news.

Congrats, by the way! Bad timing, but your child will love you regardless~

[MrBond]

Too many words. The text isn't stooping to his level. It's your way of control. You are controlling the message that you want him to hear.

Trust me. Guys aren't going to hear any more than the first sentence and I have a feeling that if he starts to question you, you're going to break down.

This is for YOU. This is YOUR control. Your safety valve.

By turning off your phone immediately afterwards, it will allow you to control your actions. Or let me put it to you this way. All this time you've tried talking to him, appealing to his common sense, his reasoning, etc. And it's not working. Do something different.

[papayachic]

Thank you onthemountaintop.

MrBond I do get what you are saying.

Should I as well expose to both his parents w phone call about OW and pregnancy.

I WILL keep the pregnancy. This will SURELY complicate everything but im not the same from 2 years ago that hid everything from family(ready my first post). I want his parents to KNOW what he's doing and KNOW what he's leaving.

[MrBond]

I think you should tell his parents about the baby. Don't bring up anything about the OW.

Don't tell them about how badly he is treating you. Call them with the happy news and say how you are excited to raising the baby and having them as grandparents.

Keep stressing that.

When your H comes up and tells them about the OW, his parents will come down hard on him because it jeopardizes their relationship with their future grandchild. Get it? Saying less is much more effective. And they are going to be sure that he stays responsible or give the OW a hard time.

After all, you're the helpless victim in all this right?

Just make sure you send him the message before letting his parents know.

[gatsby11]

You're getting good advice, Papayachic, from the folks here.

I wanted to let you know that there's a little group of us pregnant LBSes. . . whenever you're free, come look us up!

Keep following the advice here and you'll know you're being as proactive as you can be.

[Onthemountaintop]

While I've never had an OW in my R, I've never been separated in another place. Being physically separated kinda opens some doors that need not be opened unless a marriage has ended, I think. So, I am not sure if being angry about him acting out during a separation is where your energy needs to lay just now.

Letting his parents know that you hope for the R and are ready to work for it (not just because of the baby) is fair. It is their baby, too as grandparents. Why not let them know that you found out the separation had led to the OW? As long as it isn't vindictive...

[timehealsall]

I agree with MrBond PC.

I am so sorry that you should have to be going through something like this during what should be a wonderful time in your life.

Going there is not a good idea.

although you think you won't scream or yell, you have no idea what emotions may come over you at that time.

You don't need to put yourself in that position, especially during this fragile time. Do as MrBond says and take care of yourself.

[timehealsall]

I would tell his parents about the baby.

[papayachic]

I sent him the text message.

CONVO with his mother:

I called his mother and spoke to her for just a few minutes. I told her I had two things to tell her and would only take a minute of her time

First, I beleive in marriage. You do not end 9 years together, 2 married on a phone call. He went up there to get help and I have heard from both your side and his father's side that he's flashing off some blonde. We are still married. Since he does not have the audacity to speak to me then I sent him a text but I thought you should receive a phone call.

Second reason for the phone call is to tell you Im pregnant. This is NOT a scam. This is not to attempt to get him back. I will be having a baby end of year.

She was shocked. kept asking me if i was ready. I told her Im more than financially ready, my family is supporting me and I will not change my mind. She kept saying to think it through. It will be your responsibility for life, etc...She also said marriage is between me and him. For all she knows, she thinks that woman is his friend only, but it is not her place to get involved. THe thing she is most worried about is his sobriety. His recovery. She's worried how he'll take the news and its his decision etc...

This was a mother in law I loved because she would not meddle. Now i feel she is just tip toeing to whatever he says bc she doesnt want him to fail. ughhhhhh....

well i said, that woman is not my concern now. Wanted to give you a call to let you know you will be a grandmother. all of you can decide if you want to be involved. You have my number and then I hung up.