MLC - standing by my man

[kissak]

Mila, I really think they dont think about how things affect us too much. As long as they feel good. My H knew how much I hated seeing him at the OW's house when I had to pass it every day, yet he was there practically every day anyway. Would even take the kids there even though he knew I hated it. They are only thinking about themselves.

I think you are doing a great job with everything!

[SecondChance]

Mila,

I think....

They pick a fight before doing something non-matrimonial. They work themselves up into an anger so that in the moment of anger THEY feel justified in doing something that they KNOW is not nice to you. In this case it would be your Starbucks conversation close to the weekend. You saw it as confusing, out of the blue, and mean. He saw it as you fighting with him (which he instigated!!!) to justify his next behaviour (weekend with OW).

When I look back at my WH, I realize that we had fights almost every time before he went out with, well, whomever. Sometimes I didn't even engage in the fight, it's like it was just spewed out at me, and then off he went, indignant and all. It is WRONG, it is SELFISH, it is really CHILDISH behaviour, and there is nothing you can do about it. Watch for the fights and you'll be able to predict when he is seeing or trying to justify these behaviours. If you know OW is in town, anticipate that he will do this, and don't engage AT ALL. One more reason why it is important to DETACH, do not give him the satisfaction of justifying his behaviour. Don't fight, don't validate, don't anything.

I know it's hard. I had a big fight with my WH on Friday, it just built up and I needed it to let it out.... and I'm sure it's justified his taking my kids all long weekend and taking my extended family away from me, and and and.... time will help heal me.

More on the rest later, if I can think of anything helpful.

Meantime....

((hugs))

-SCh

[AJM]

Mila. Really, you aren't going to really figure it out, nor are you going to stop, are you? BTDT.

It will drive you insane. Really fast too.

But I think if you recap some of this you will realize a few things:
1) your H has a LOT of guilt somewhere deep inside
2) he really wants to do what his selfish mind tells him feels good
3) he knows he hurt you
4) he feels guilty for hurting you
5) he is looking for a way to justify hurting you
6) when he does that, it makes what he is doing, more reasonable since after all, it's your fault and you drove him to do it.
Rinse. Repeat.

The guilt and anger cycle keeps going. But I think what you did this last weekend interrupted that cycle. What you did was show him that you are changing. And changing you are. That will unsettle him. Think of it this way: in a relationship you two are on a balance device like a giant disc centered on a pole. When one moves one way, the other has to move a certain way to keep the balance. Eventually, if one moves too far one way or the other it all comes crashing down. He can feel that too. He doesn't like it either. His selfish mind wants to control it. So do you but for different reasons. But that balance is out of whack right now.
I think for some, a fight prior is a great way to help them with their guilt. In your case, it may be that he works on his guilt so he can feel like he is being nice to you prior to hurting you. That's sick, but then again, if he is MLC (and it sounds like it) then that would not be unusual now would it?

I think you found something that works
1) You were able to set a boundary (yay Mila!!)
2) You enforced that boundary
3) You let him know that you are moving on without him
4) He didn't like that and wants your attention - at some level
5) He already knows he doesn't want OW. He ran back before and doesn't want the OW. But next time he tries to come back, it may not be in your best interest to let him. It may be better to get him to fix his issues first. While he is doing that, GAL. Be you and figure you out. It's time for you both to do that. He may have to catch up later though and you may find that he doesn't or that you don't care when or if he does. But for now, let it be enough that you need to figure you out, because whether with him or somebody else, you cannot communicate your needs unless you know them.

While you start that process more consciously, keep the boundaries. As you develop what you want out of a relationship, you will find that you can more easily and more effectively set those boundaries.

Keep in mind this has to be real. You can't fake this. It will take time to do that but you have already started down the path.

He is not "comfortable" with what he is doing. That's obvious. He wants to hurt you. That's MLC speak for - it's your fault and that's why I'm doing this. Insanity and MLC seem so similar right? Insanity lasts a lifetime, MLC may eventually end. Just so we can keep them straight, I think.

Been accused of things you haven't done yet? Seen the glimmer of excitement in their eye when they feel like you are incompetent and they have gleefully told you yet? Wondered why he doesn't see what he is doing hurts you or if he does, why he doesn't just wander off and stop hurting you yet? Any other method they have used to try and hurt you yet?

Set boundaries. That is what a boundary is for. You have heard it here many many times. Don't allow this treatment. Don't allow that treatment. Allow him to treat you with respect. Like building a channel for a whale to get out of the bay and into the ocean, you are setting boundaries that only allow a particular path for them to travel when near you.

AJ

[flowmom]

Mila, the possibility of running into your H and OW is horrible. But I encourage you to stand your ground. If you hide...they win. I recently spent much of the day in close proximity with possible OW (thankfully not with H around). I decided to NOT yield ground or avoid her physically. I didn't engage in conversation (we are acquainted) but I didn't avoid contact. I decided that she was the one who should be skulking around, not me. I know your sitch is more extreme than that, but I want to share that I found that a very liberating mindset to adopt. Hold your head high and live your life. The shame is all theirs.

(((Mila)))

[seeking answers]

Mila, I do everything I can to avoid running into to H and ow, too.

First, because it would hurt like crazy and I've had enough, thank you.

Second, because I know my mouth and unfortunately what would come out of it would do no one any good. I know I would feel better for a little while, but I would come to regret it.

Yes, it does limit where I go at certain times in the surrounding area. For me, it is a small price to pay to not give H and ow anything more to bond over. I'm not going to give them any kind of justification for what they've done.

I do it for me, not for them. And yes, I am working on that part of me.

[Mila]

Good morning all

Thank you so much for all of your comments, opinions and encouragement....I don't know what would I do without you. Every time something new happens first thing I do is to run to the DB board to unload it...and every time you are here for me (((group hug)))

SA - I did read about MLCers going back to time before they knew us. That would explain the teenage-like behavior and the not caring about anything or anyone but himself. And everyone is wrong and he is right. And like you I often feel sorry for him...the face that he puts on for the whole world to see may be one of "I know who I am and what I'm doing" (that's what he's told me), but on the inside he is really struggling.

Kissak - If they really don't care how their actions affect us and what it does to us to see them with the OP...that should just confirm how foggy they really are...because most "normal" people that have conscience would care and at least try to stay out of the way.

SCH - What you said about the guilt and starting a fight before they do something that they know we will not like...wow...but it makes sense too

AJ - I'm the analytical type....I recycle everything in my brain until it makes sense to me LOL. I don't know if that's good or bad...but that's how I'm.
AJ great post BTW, actually all of your posts give me lots to think about. I like the way your mind works....very good points for me to mull over. I like where you talk about the "balancing" that makes so much sense to me.

Flow & SA - I know that I'm not going to live my life hiding....this was the first time that I had to face the possibility and yes it's scary, but I know that if it actually happened I would show nothing but class and dignity...you know how you can look at a person in a way that they wish they could disappear there and then?...I'm good at those looks

[Mila]

Just received an e-mail from H (OW is still with him today). He is asking when would be a good time for me to go and see a counselor with him that he wants to make the appointment. If you recall he brought it up last week at our meeting (my first "dark meeting"), saying that we should see someone to talk about "how to talk to each other".

I don't know what the point is...all he wants to achieve is me being back to "friendly" with him. If I say no, he will blame me for "not trying to work on our relationship". If I go I'll have to talk to him about R stuff and what's the point when OW is in the picture. I know that it will be emotional and that I will probably end up in tears. The only reason to go is to show him that I'm not the "bad guy". If I can work myself up to being totally detached and not to show any emotions I guess I could go....but can I ?

[beingreal]

Ouch, I don't know, that is a tough spot. I don't have any answers, I'm just getting caught up on your thread. I just wanted you to know that I'm reading & thinking of you.

(((hugs)))

[kissak]

I dont know why they expect us to just get over it and move on and act as if they never hurt us. Wanting counseling to learn how to talk better??? He should have thought about that a while back when he started having doubts about his marriage!!

Like you said...whats the point?

[MrBond]

I would suggest going to the C, but go to one that YOU choose. Make sure the C is pro-marriage and can also work on your communication with each other.

He says he wants to go to C. Fine. You get to choose with whom.