I'd agree with your statement that "the only reason to go would be to show you're not the bad guy." However, as long as he's in the polarized MLC view of "Wife=bad guy; affair partner=path to happiness," the fact that you're not the enemy CANNOT penetrate his skewed view of the world. The fog is a self-imposed brainwashing that does not let new thoughts in--not until he's good & done with the OW.
My suggestion would be to let him know, "H, I agree that counselling to learn to communicate with each other is necessary. However, at this point emotions are too high and the situation is still too raw and painful, so I'd like to hold off on it until a more productive time."
MrBond - this is the same counselor that I found after the bomb dropped. I was seeing her for a while, she is pro-marriage and she is great. After H split up with OW for the 2nd time he came with me to see her couple of times, but it was useless, he wasn't interested in working on the marriage...now I know that he just moved back home and was "waiting" for OW to leave her H, she did and he was gone again.
So now he suggested that we see her again.
Cyrena - Thank you - that's a good idea to stall him, that may buy me time if I don't feel strong enough to keep it together for the session. I'll think about it
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Can I make a suggestion? I will anyway, but wanted to be polite
You are anxious about the meeting. I can understand that. But I think it wouldn't be a bad thing to go. At worst, you go for an hour and hear him talk. At best, he wakes up and figures he is doing the wrong thing (he already knows that most likely.)
I suggest that you go and be somewhat quiet. Let the counselor do the talking. There isn't much for you to say and you shouldn't say much. Just be direct and to the point and answer questions with as few words as you can, politely, nicely and directly. No reactions to his outbursts or accusations. The counselor will handle that. Your emotions are too raw to allow your words to have good effect anyway. The counselor's will be much more effective if that's possible.
At the end of it, your H will have to be receptive. At the end of the meeting, you may or may not decide that there is no further sessions required. You may not be willing to talk to him right now. That's perfectly understandable. This will not be a time to get much done - one session won't do it. And you may bring up during the session that as long as there is OW you may not be willing to talk to him. For any reason other than pure business. What would be the point, right?
Something to consider.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Mila, doesn't it strike you odd that your H wouldn't really give counseling a chance before and now that you're standing up for yourself he decides that the two of you need to go?
Why is it that he can't get it through his head that the reason you aren't communicating with him is not because you're having a difficult time talking to him, it's just that you don't want to? Wonder when/if he'll realize that carrying on with ow is the reason for this.
Being dark on him really has an effect, doesn't it?
AJ - That's how I was playing it in my head...be quiet and listen. How this counselor works is that she will let H start a topic, he has his say and then she would ask me to comment on it. So I will be sucked into it, but I have to just reply as you said politely, nicely and directly...no accusations, no making him feel guilty (he will just by me being in the room anyway). I know that he will push my buttons...and I'm still not that far along in detachment...so it will be a challenge. But I feel that I need to go. I'll try to push it away by couple of weeks. I have a good excuse...some pressing business accounting deadlines. In that time I will work on me.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
It goes back to his appetite for cake-eating. The bond between us is still there, but the pull of OW is stronger and he doesn't want to give up either.
And yes, he thinks that by "being dark" I'm trying to punish him and that I'm the one that is being "unreasonable"
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
SA, I think the answer to that, from an outsider is because Mila has been inconsistent. She was talking to him, right? His "memory" hasn't caught up yet. Also, he may not want to believe that. Remember he seems to want the cake and to eat it too. Remember he is also destroying two marriages at once and is somehow justifying it to himself. Is that normal? Is that rational? Should this concept of him wanting something and not getting it be rational either? I think not. In fact, it would be odd if it was rational to me. That would be really...weird don't you think?
But you are right, being dark has an effect. Mila can log that as a successful tactic. Not because his attitude is changing, but because it allows Mila to have distance, gain perspective, and set boundaries. Those are very important to Mila. Mila has to be the person she would want to date and be married to. To do that, she has to figure that out. To do THAT, she may need some distance and time to figure it out. He can't be there while she does that because he will distract and annoy. He's already showing signs of "pulse checking" to see what Mila is doing. He should wonder.
What he does won't have a rational explanation. Not to a rational person and so a rational explanation shouldn't be expected. It would be folly to think otherwise.
Mila, keep some perspective. Your changes have an effect. Can you imagine how scary that is at the same time he is doing this? Not saying you should be sympathetic to his behavior. I'm pointing out perspective for the sake of it. You need perspective.
To that end, how would this situation look from somebody's eyes that don't know either of you? What would they see as the next thing you should do? I can tell you what I've heard and come to know - you can't change him. You can cause him to react when you change, because he has to.. But you cannot change him. Only he can. When he is ready. The question will likely be two parts: 1) will he be ready to change? (I think at some point yes) and 2) will you be there to see and be willing to accept him? The answer of course depends on you as much as it does him - like it always has. For your sake, figure yourself out, Mila. Figure out what you want out of life and what you have to give to a relationship. Figure out who you are and what makes you complete and happy. Just you Mila.
This is a long trip, so pack a lunch. He has a lot of hard work ahead of him. So do you. And it will take time and patience. Much of it. The biggest stressor I've had has been the not knowing. Know what? You can't know. Things will work themselves out how they work themselves out and that will be that. But you will have to be ready to be you, no matter what.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJ, I don't think Mila's been inconsistent. She has changed tactics, recently. Where as she was talking to her H, there for him, kind and friendly this was what brought him home after his first A 20 years ago.
In the beginning of this, not knowing this was a MLC but recognizing that her H was different this time, she like the rest of us here, sought out some explanation to what was going on with him. As she gained knowledge and advice she realized that her H was cake eating. She decided to try going dark. It hasn't been all that long, but it sure seems that her H is scrambling wondering what the heck is going on with her. Personally, I think the more his mind is on her the less enjoyable time he spends with ow.
Mila, If I've got the wrong take on your sitch don't be afraid to swing a 2 x 4 and straighten me out.
The C Mila what a gift. This may just be your opportunity to be able to discuss business issues without the anger and getting nasty. Also co-parenting issues this could be helpful too.
This might just be the best thing for you and your h if you have an open mind.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
AJ - yet again good post...lots of food for thought, you are touching on many issues that I've already identified and am slowly working on.
SA - thank you, you are right I was going by DB rules and was being his friend for a long time, but it just wasn't working. Going dark was a big step for me. And I would like to point out that I don't consider it strategy, it's necessity for me right now because I did feel used and emotionally abused. The strategy aspect is an added bonus.
Sent H a reply to the appointment request. Told him you can schedule it after June 7, if you wish. That's it....
He just emailed back
You told me last week that you would be available this week... Why do we have to wait 2 weeks? Your emails are very short and it’s hard to know what’s going on.... But it almost sounds like you don’t really care if we see her together or not...
I replied that I'm busy going through an audit at work.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
