Newbie.Trying with faith and hope to save marriage

[papayachic]

He got the message this morning and called my sis, my parents home, me and my sis's boyfriend to try and contact me.

MY sis's boyfriedn picked up and he said the following"
- I'm lying
- We only had sex once 2 months ago and i was near my period
- can't be
- how can he handle this if he's still recovering
- his mother is worried about his recovery
- he will demand DNA test
- he by no means will still have any relationship with me

[papayachic]

He called a few times and i picked up and told him I'd call him in 20 minutes bc I'm at work and need to go somewhere private.

CONVO with H this morning. it was 20 minutes
I called and said hi how are you
He said hi, how are you. I said good. I feel good.
I asked again how are you. He said. Well a little disturbed. My phone died last night and i just got your text message this morning.

I asked him if he received my letter a few weeks back. He said yes. I then said I started going to life coach, turned to God and realized I was so angry because I was terrified. I no longer have fear in my life. I never thought I could go back to the old me but I am. I'm the old Jessica.

He said good. If thats really true than Im happy for you. Then I said i found out i was pregnant. Will not let fear take hold of me. I will have it. This is not a scam to get you back or hurt you, just thought you should know that we're having a baby end of the year.

He went off saying "How can I spring this upon him. Why am I being selfish? I shouls have let him know right away? I am deceitful. How can I handle it? How can he handle it he only been clean 3 months? etc...

I stayed composed and confident but not rude on the phone. I said it's what's God's directing me to do. I love the baby with all my heart already. It is not selfish do do something I feel is right. I have a plan and if it doesnt work out then I'll pick myself up and get a new plan. But we'll be ok. I kept mentioning baby as a him and he told me not to do that.

He said he called a lawyer today and waiting for call back. He's made up his mind. He wants a divorce.

I said He can be involved or not. I'm not asking for anything. I did say I did not think it was appropriate to talk over the phone about this. I did say I believe in sanctity of marriage. Did say after 9 years,didnt think it was appropriate to talk divorce over phone. I told him to take a few days to think about what he wants to do.

He was ANGRY that I was deceitful. He was angry that at first when the bomb dropped I said I would look into and start divorce and have not. He said I was deceitful and have my way again and that I always take control of EVERYTHING. Kept saying i just control everything. Doesnt believe Ive changed. It's just me going from extreme to extreme.

He said I keep saying, to take a few days but he knows for a fact we will get divorced. He wants a divorce and thats final. He does not need to think about that. I said ok well if that's what you wish.keep me updated for your lawyer to contact mine bc there is a baby involved. He said what now you're trapping me, binding me. I said no. If he doesnt want to discuss baby in divorce, then he doesnt have to and he'll never see the baby. I told him to think and call me and to have a beautiful day.


He called 40 minutes later 3 times. I picked up on third and said cant' really talk call me this evening. Im at work. He said, i hung up so quickly and he still is thinking but he needs the money i took from him so he can pay lawyer. I said i am still working that out, but if we're getting divorced i have to calculate what i paid for state taxes. He BLEW up on me. Started cursing, saying I was Fuckin deceitful stringing him all these weeks. I had no intentions on giving him back borrowed money. I was scheming the whole time. If i wasnt so deceitful last few weeks maybe, not that he thinks there would have been, but maybe had a shot. He hung up.

I called back and said, please do not yell or scream. I did not say I was not giving you money back but since we are getting divorced, I need to calculate more things. He apoligized for cursing but told me not to tell him how to react. Im not in control. He told me I am only thinking about myself, I am selfish, deceitful,etc...I told him I am not. Whatever I do is for the baby. He yelled and said keep the money. I said well you think about hat you have to think about and call me, Have a beautiful day.

[papayachic]

oh yeah, when he would say some thing, I would say "I understand" instead of defending myself or answering back like I would always do.
He picked up on it and said Why do you keep saying you understand. Is that what you have been trained to say.

I said No. But I will not live in anger. I will not try to defend past actions. I hear what you are saying and I understand.

[MrBond]

PC,

You handled that amazingly. I know it must have been the hardest thing you've ever done in your life. All I can say is stay strong.

Now when he calls, don't answer the phone. Send a polite text and say that you are thinking about your future and both of your future child's future.

Right now he is lashing out because he is scared. He's going to accuse you of practically being the antichrist. Don't buy into it. It's all him. So don't provoke anything by contacting him. In cases like this, when a narcissist or alcoholic starts playing the victim card, they are going to tell EVERYONE about how they hurt. How THEY are a victim. And how you are the bad guy. You're not.

He's thinking ... how dare you throw yourself onto my penis and get yourself pregnant. You planned it all!

Let him go through his temper tantrum. He will self-destruct on his own. When he does, that's when you step in and contact him.

Timing is critical right now.

It's obvious where he gets his behavior from. His family. His mom kept asking what were YOU planning to do, etc. And how it was bad for HIM. All she does is think about him. Stop contact with them as well. You can do this.

[Onthemountaintop]

And to add to Mr. Bond's ideas, I would suggest be ready for a DNA test if he wants one. If he's had addictions, he's probably might be expecting people he trusts to try coercing him into recovery and into making life changes. Don't take it personally, if you can.

Remember to look at doing 180s if you can...changes that you should've always made but didn't do. 'being the best you can be as a wife'. Even if the D does happen, you'll be more prepared for future relationships (and motherhood!)

Don't forget to take a breather, Jessica...from what I've seen from my wife, having a baby does wacky things to the hormones!

[papayachic]

I woke up this morning feeling just so shocked and unloved.

I KNOW I will be ok no matter what the outcome is.I don't know this H. It is like the old H died years ago. He fell into a depression and changed w substance abuse but he was still loving. He loves kids, loves family, wanted to be superdad,etc....

I expected him to lash out on me but to tell me I'm being selfish and how will this affect him and he doesnt know if he can handle it just shocked me. How can any man know he has a child out there at not acknowledge being the father! I feel as though the old H died. I do not love this H. I do not know this H.


Should I tell his father about pregnancy. I know he feels for me since he is also a LBS and when I saw him a few days after the bomb he hugged me and told me he was shocked, almost cried and said he has no words to tell me since he is also a LBS and know I am in pain.

[MrBond]

Yes you should only because it is going to be his grandchild. You're not expecting pity from him.

Has your H tried contacting you again?

[timehealsall]

yes, he should know!

[papayachic]

I called his dad on Friday. His dad was going to go up to the summer house for the weekend. I told him I was pregnant and how Anthony and his mom reacted. He said he thought Anthony was getting better up there and is shocked of how An't mom reacted. He will be the grandfather no matter what and he will have a talk with him. (Ant's dad doesn't have much of influence on him so this is a moot point). And then I said and I heard he is with a girl up there and he said he didnt here anything like that but he has not been up in a few weeks.

I know I should be GALing but we would always sepend Memorial Day weekend at the summer house so I was really down this weekend.
Saturday I basically slept, woke up, slept....I was happy I slept but felt like [censored].

Yesterday I hung out with my parents and basically cried all the time.





He left me a message at 11:50 this morning, just an hour ago. He was acting all calm and nice and distant. He said


Hey W. what's going on its H.ummm Give me a call when you have a chance wanted to ask you a few things.
-just how you're doing, mainly, make sure you're doing ok
-wanted to find out if youre sending up the credit card.
-I haven't checked my email but wanted to make sure you emailed me my resume
-ummm,,what else
-I guess just to possibly see if you're sending me any money. I know you had to do calculations. I apoligize for the way I reacted the other day
I was little caught off guard with how I found out everything it was very frustating
-whatever truly choice you're making I respect and however we'll move forward with this is how we'll move forward about the
baby only
-but please, I know you might be busy today but call me when you have a chance so we can just start moving forward in a positive way for the sake of moving away from each other in separate ways but in the same time in a casual, yet cordial way.
I'm being picked up by friend to help him move since he bought a place but give me a call and if I don't answer I'll call back right away. Talk to you soon.
ok. bye.

[papayachic]

how do i edit a post? I thought I edited once but now can't find the button and realized I put in names I need to take out