MLC - standing by my man

[ericmsant2]

Great post HB.

[Mila]

HB - warmest thank you for the wonderful post (((hugs)))

You have yet again put everything into perspective. When I read your posts it helps me to see the situation from the outside, because sometimes you get so entangled in your emotions and are unable to see the big picture. At least I'm...I begin doubting myself, my actions, my reasoning, my hopes and become a little lost not knowing which way is up and which way is down.

So thank you again for helping me to stay grounded

Just came back from business meeting with H. We've met at Starbucks and when I arrived he was already there looking expectantly at me as if expecting a smile and me to rush towards him to greet him. I didn't, I went straight to the counter to order and was chatting with the barrista and pretty much ignored him until I got my latte. Then I joined him at the table, just said business-like hi and told him that I only have 1/2 hour for the meeting. BTW he looked old and thin and had this aura of unhappiness/gloom around him (maybe he is like that only when I'm around). He did attempt to smile at me but I didn't return it.

The meeting was fairly calm, both of our guards were up, he only got ruffled once and caught him self very quickly. I was very business like...standoffish and maybe that's to "dark". Next time I have to try to relax a bit. I may have come across cold...have to work on that.

He brought some paperwork for me and was handing me his expense receipts (business and personal)...He said that it's mostly business and some personal...from our "joint account". So I'm still accounting for all of his personal expenses. He was just about to hand me his utility bills to pay (from his apartment) and I guess he saw my "look" so he said "I can take care of these myself" and he put them away. I said OK.

A mutual friend stopped by our table (she doesn't know what's going on with us). She said, "Wow you guys, look at you working here happily together....." H looked like he wanted to be somewhere else. She was chatting with us for about 5 minutes, I should say with me, because H didn't say a word and didn't know where to look. I'm mentioning this because he seemed extremely uncomfortable with the whole exchange.

After our friend left H brought up a personal issue that has to do with D's sport, I was making some arrangements last week and he wanted to know what I have agreed on. First I just replied that I took care of it, but then he wanted details, so I gave him a very dry version.

I said, "Since you brought up a personal issue I will too. Should I make the confirmation for the dude ranch trip or will you, since you've dealt with it up until now" He said you do it, you are the one going (Do I hear resentment?). I said OK I will. Then he asked how many places are you going to book? I said "Well for me, D, and her friend" so I guess 3. He was looking at me for the longest time and he was really thinking hard about something that he wanted to say, but in the end he didn't say it. I know that he really wants to go and we have 4 available spaces for us, I bet you anything that his little brain was turning overtime trying to figure out how to be part of the trip...did my "dark" face stop him from asking to come along?

Also he commented on my necklace, wanted to know what the symbols on the pendant mean. Gave him a 3-word answer.

I ended the meeting in 1/2 hour, packed up my papers, got up said quick bye and walked away...no smile, no kiss....

Overall it went well, I didn't become emotional and he was really trying not to be defensive. I probably appeared too cold. Have to find a "happy medium"

Now, what do you think, was I too dark? Should I ad more warmth and some smiles into our interactions next time?

[kissak]

I think you did great! All business.

[ericmsant2]

Mila - I think you did great. I know how hard this must have been for you.

[AJM]

Why would you add warmth if you don't feel it? This is about you, Mila. Setting boundaries. Enforcing boundaries. Taking care of you.
If you fake anything, he'll feel it. He'll think you're lying or being manipulative. He may anyway, but it would be unfounded. Leave it that way. Be yourself and be honest with your feelings. No need to put on airs....but you should refrain from letting things get angry and crazy. Like when you deal with a teen, right?

Something from HB's post:

Selfishness is one of the first things I remember about the insensitivity of the MLC'er...like children they are thinking of no one or anything but themselves...therefore, they do NOT care about who they hurt, just as long as THEY don't get hurt.
It is also called "entitlement"..they think they are entitled to all they can get, regardless of who gets in the way, they will leave much destruction in their wake.

Yep. Yep. and Yep. That's exactly the same as I've seen in my own situation and in those on this board. It's why we see so many similarities and think about it as a script. It's almost funny, if not for the pain. Beautiful in some ways too. But seeing that comes later

Now, remember, they are looking for OUTSIDE sources to blame for their unhappiness, also looking for OUTSIDE sources to ease that pain...and until they realize it's not working and look within, they continue to be destructive; using many running behaviors to try and get away from that pain.

I had to laugh at this one. It's true, but what made it funny to me is that mine literally was running! Marathons, half-marathons etc. Every time I thought she was done she would talk about stopping the running. The MC mentioned that running was both literal and figurative. I point this out mostly because it bears repeating. And it tickled me.

AJ

[HeartsBlessing]

Now, what do you think, was I too dark? Should I ad more warmth and some smiles into our interactions next time?

I think you did just fine...he NEEDS to see the coldness within your looks at him...Mila, he is committing adultery with another woman..since when does this mean that you need to be nice to him?

Your actions need to continue to tell him that this is NOT acceptable, and as long as he continues this crap, YOU will NOT be a part of it...your actions are speaking loud and clear, don't think he doesn't see them...he does.

If he decides to go on with OW, you're NOT losing anything, but a liar, a cheat, and a whole bunch of trouble you didn't need in the first place.

Keep walking the walk, talking the talk....give this time to work or not...you simply cannot go back to the place you were in, with him disrespecting you by having OW.

Three does NOT a marriage make..it's a crowd...and there's no evidence of love and respect there within him as long as he continue to play this selfish game of his.

Have a good one.

[Cyrena]

Mila--perfectly handled! In my opinion, you don't want to be doing more than he is (smiling first, greeting-kissing first, or being "warmer") before he's ready. Wait till HE makes the moves to start being your friend first. In my case, the more my H withdrew, the more I withdrew ... and the more I treated him as someone who was not in the centre of my life anymore, the more that forced him to start thinking.

I love that you chatted as long as you wanted with the barrista while he sat there high and dry--well done! Now, no second-guessing yourself: stick to this path.

[seeking answers]

Mila, You handled that just right! You proved to your H that the two of you can still handle business without letting the personal issues get in the way.

You're tapping into your strength and letting your H know that as long as he's carrying on with ow, a business relationship is all it's going to be.

Way to go with the huge 180!

(((Hugs)))

[Mila]

kissak, Eric, AJM, HB, Cyrena & SA You all seem to think that I did well...thank you for the thumbs up

I actually feel really good after the meeting, I don't know why and for once I'm not questioning it...just feel good

It's so unnatural for me to be this "cold", but I think I had to be like that to be able to remain strong and detached so my emotions don't betray me. As time goes on I'm sure that I'll be able to "fine-tune it"
HB -

you simply cannot go back to the place you were in, with him disrespecting you by having OW

agreed
AJ -

Why would you add warmth if you don't feel it?

But I DO sometimes....I do feel compassion, anger, sadness, disappointment, coldness, love....all of these at different levels at different times. Sometimes I do want to show him warmth and to smile at him.....not that he deserves it

mine literally was running! Marathons, half-marathons

Wow AJ....mine as well, that's where he'd met OW - at a running clinic...and they were "training" together for 6 months before I found out. And now they are both still "running" from their kids and spouses. BTW H picked up running when he turned 50...that's when I believe his MLC started.

cyrena - My H wants to be warmer and wants to be my friend while still with OW....Mr cake-eater. I was following his clues and doing what he wanted for way too long....not anymore while OW is still in the picture.

SA - thank you my friend....I feel good

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Since this IS business a smile wouldn't hurt, but THAT would be about the only carrot I'd extend.

Basically you are treating him like a co-woker now, NOT a husband. So there a small ammount of if not pleasantness...at least not hostility coming from you. You both work together still.

As for letting your almost adult daughter form her own realtionship with her dad.

I think the key words here are :

almost adult


You're the mom, since dad is currently a fcktard, and the one she is currently having issues with, it is your job to protect her, pysically and mentally.

You leave this up to her all by herself and she is likely going to be one of the countless women out there who have daddy issues later in life.

Guide her and help her with those isssues NOW.