MLC - standing by my man

[Mila]

Glam - you are right it's all matter of attitude isn't it. I'm certainly not going there to pick a fight or trow accusations at him. I have to mentally prepare because I don't know what's coming from his side. OW waited for C session to tell her H that she is leaving him again. He thought that they were going to work on marriage.

[courageous wife]

Wow Mila...lots going on! Lots of good advice.

You are really getting to your H...you can tell by his emails!

[Mila]

Thank you CW

Just received another email

I understand you are busy, but on the other hand, I am surprised you can’t find time for this within the next 2 weeks.


What do I do with him....why is he in such a hurry? Does he have something horrible to tell me or is this a control thing or he just can't stand that we are not "friends"?

I don't get the urgency and persistence...

[seeking answers]

My .02 is that he just can't stand the thought that you're not there where he left you and it's bugging the crap out of him.

I could be wrong, heaven knows that's happened before

[goodattitudegirl]

Mila,

Following along. Wow! It's amazing how much H seems to miss your friendship. Doesn't he realize that THAT friendship will end if he D you? (I am shaking my head in disbelief.)

why is he in such a hurry? Does he have something horrible to tell me or is this a control thing or he just can't stand that we are not "friends"?

Regarding meeting with your C, my gut also tells me that delaying makes sense for multiple reasons:
--as stated above, it gives you time to get your head together
--if "he has something terrible to tell" you, this will force some time to test his resolve and give him time to think about what he's planning to do. The delay could also introduce some tension between H and OW.
--if he really "can't stand that you are not "friends"", this will give him time to think about that.....and give OW time to watch H suffer when he anticipates his potential loss.

Frankly, I'm surprised that H wants to talk with a C that is pro-marriage. If he really wanted to deep six the M, he would choose a different C. It sounds like he is conflicted.....still. That is a good thing. Let the OW see him suffering and conflicted. The longer you can drag this out, the more annoyed she will become and tension will mount between the two of them. I know that if I was the OW, I would be nervous about my guy being in C with his W.

My $0.02.

Stay strong!

GAG

[glamgirl]

Mila control comes to mind for your h. He is really missing that part of your life together. Boy he is really pushing it. Must be really important for him to attend C.

If he didn't care though Mila he would not be going to C. My h and I did mc for a year and a half until my h refused to keep going.

You have to go with an open mind though and be accepting of what your h says. It was hard for me at first, since I wasn't hearing anything that I wanted to from my h. I was hearing things like I can't see myself ever going back to the m. I am only attending to help communicate for the kids etc. It did get better though until h got into his anger mode and quit going.

I do recommend it though. It was through c that I realized how deeply depressed my h truly was and was helpful to keep my h focused on the m.

[AJM]

And I would like to point out that I don't consider it strategy, it's necessity for me right now because I did feel used and emotionally abused. The strategy aspect is an added bonus.

Ahh....the voice of reason rears it's head. The time of Mila is dawning... That's exactly how it should be Mila. Somebody has to look out for you and it may as well be somebody you trust...you! Recognizing that you need distance is incredibly huge. You do need that distance. You do need time for you. You do need to work on you, much like the idea of putting on an oxygen mask on yourself prior to helping those around you (on an airplane). Start the breathing...Stop the bleeding... Kudos to you Mila.

Sent H a reply to the appointment request. Told him you can schedule it after June 7, if you wish. That's it....

He just emailed back

You told me last week that you would be available this week... Why do we have to wait 2 weeks?
Your emails are very short and it’s hard to know what’s going on.... But it almost sounds like you don’t really care if we see her together or not...

That's an excerpt. But think about what he is saying there. He may be fishing to see if you care. The truth is you do care, but you have other issues to deal with. I suggest you keep it that way for a while. This is really not about you, but about him at this point. He wants what he wants, and is wondering why you cannot see that. Why doesn't everyone see what he sees? It seems so obvious.
You can't know what he wants to talk about until you go. There is just no way to see what direction the conversation will go, and with the dynamic of three of you in the room, it would be unpredictable anyway. Go in with an open mind. You do need to hear whatever is said, at some point in this journey.

Mila, have you ever raised a teenager....? Are they predictable? Are you able to rationalize what they are thinking or why they do what they do? Or why they hurt you? Have you ever doubted they care? Do you sometimes get postcards from the other side when dealing with them?

Take the time for you and don't play games. Keep your schedule and if he wants to catch up he can. But there is no reason to let him hurt you. That's your choice and one you are likely very close to enforcing. This is the age of Mila now. It has to be because you have to look out for you. Not in a mean or game playing way, but out of necessity. Don't hesitate on that. Don't think it can be different. Focus more on you. Figure you out. Figure out what you want from a relationship. Don't limit that thinking to what you had or what he was able to give in the past - this is new and he will be new and the old rules won't likely apply.

Your schedule. Your needs. Age of Mila. For now.
Do the work, Mila.
AJ

[SecondChance]

Mila,

I'd bet the C is his attempt to "help you" to communicate better with him!!! He doesn't get that you are angry, and don't want to "get over it" right now.

I think you have to think about what the counselling will do for you, if you want to go at the moment. Do you want to work through your anger so you 2 can be friends while he is with OW? Do you want to find a way to give him more opportunities to co-parent while you go through this? Do you want a forum in which you 2 can discuss business with a 3rd person present so that you can get that going without it being too emotional? And so on.

If you're just angry and want to stay dim/dark while you get stronger, then put off the C for a little while. He needs to "see" you as a strong woman when you go in there with him. A few weeks is unlikely to make any difference in the grand scheme of all this, but could help you be stronger. Even months seem to make no difference, as you and I know

My 2 cents anyway, for what that's worth.

[Mila]

Thank you SA, GAG, glam, AJ & SCH
You advice and observations are invaluable as I sort through this mess.

I still didn't reply to his email wanting to do C earlier. Maybe I should ask him what's the hurry?
Anyway received another email referring to my audit deadline

"I can’t imagine how much work that must be... I wish I could help... how is it going?"

And another one

you don’t want to meet this week?

So far didn't reply to any of it.
Last night, this was after 11pm, I'm driving D home from work and H calls her. She was tired and slightly annoyed when he called and quite standoffish as she talked to him. He wanted her to come to dinner at his place and she was basically telling him that she doesn't have time this week, listing all she has to do, told him maybe next week, he was obviously pressing and told her that she has to eat dinner anyway, why not with him, she said at home it takes 15min to eat dinner and she just doesn't have the time to spend an evening with him.....

She basically blew him off...I didn't ask anything, this is between him and her, but I'm sure that this has to do with her repressed anger about OW being here last weekend and that he chose her over D, when I asked him to take her so I can do away. That he only remembers her when it's convenient for him.

I felt sorry for him, I've cut him off and now D did also. He must feel pretty alone. I hope that the reality is sinking in.

[Truegritter]

Mila

I'm going to be the a$$hole here. Just to warn you upfront.

You have placed a boundary for you.

You have done very well keeping it in the face of his ever increasing efforts to cross it.

Under what circumstances will you let him cross it ...

...again?

Look at the dates in your sig line. I know you are walking the line of really hoping that this may be the real change in H.

You are doing so well now. You are really making progress and you have been able to because you have put H at arms length.

Are you done with your journey?

I'm going to spend a nickle here (nickle Mach)

Is he done with his? Look how far you have come and it has been hard and that is with these wise folks here and you being away from him and his craziness.

Is this his end?

Think Mila. This is hard. Do you think you can even start repairing a M in these circumstances and what do you risk if you go to C.

Only you can answer that....

I would not go but that is me. I have worked too hard to give ground back to someone with their head still in the tunnel.