Work thread for Jack - LBS Stages

[jp787]

I like this switch in the board. Instead of focusing on dealing with our spouses...instead we are focusing on the changes within ourselves. Very deep..

My thoughts on the LBS stages;

Denial- Without a doubt the first phase. It could be as simple as denying that there is something wrong or amiss. Eventually turning to denial that it is actually happening to us, denying our part in everything, and the worse part.....denying our inner self's to come out. Maybe because we don't know how.....but at the point everything is caused by some outside catalyst. Sounds very MLC like to me?

Bargaining-I put this here instead of after anger because I feel the deep seated thought out anger is yet to come. We have felt the quick anger brought on by emotional pain and trauma, but not that thought out and reviewed anger that is to come. So we beg, plead, whatever it takes (during this stage I actually saw the positive side of an open marriage...granted my situation is only slightly different...LOL). We will do whatever it takes to save the marriage, yet haven't realized that the marriage is gone. dead! Fini!

Anger-This stage is third...why you ask? At this point our bargaining, selling of our soul, absolutely nothing has had the expected results. So we feel deep down anger and conviction that we are right...they are wrong....and We will win no matter who loses! This very well might be the hardest stage for anybody going through this. I have been scanning lightly in newcomers and see so many of that boards "mentors" stuck themselves in this stage. Trying to control what is uncontrollable out of anger and not based on sound decision.

Depression-At this point the energy involved with our anger is used up. We are burnt out......and now we are ALONE. Yes...we have been alone in the physical sense for some time, but the bucket is finally empty.

Resentment-Slightly different than anger.....more identified with long periods of being OK....then boom.....anger comes bursting back in very brief, but extremely intense blasts. I think it is almost a triggered response...a missed ball game, long weekend with a sick child, or coming up short on a mortgage payment. A catalyst disturbs the beast sleeping within.

Acceptance-I place this before forgiveness because I feel you have to accept the marriage is done before you can forgive the damage it's death has caused. At this point you know that you are alone. The resentment is gone because you accept that triggers from resentment are just yours alone to deal with. This is also a great time for personal growth. Confidence that you will survive on your own, that you can do thing yourself, and that the sun will still rise tomorrow.

Self-growth-Regaining on confidence continued. New perspective of the things around you. Constant questioning...of yourself and the principles we follow. At this point anything is possible....for ourselves.

Forgiveness-At this point you can forgive yourself for your part in the demise of the marriage. You can also see the pain the process has caused our spouse. The knowledge that neither party has really come out of this unscathed is apparent. You will know at this point that the journey was beneficial for both parties as long as neither got tripped up in their respective journeys. Maybe the marriage is renewed...maybe not.

Renewal-The world is different (I know that I see it differently). We are almost reborn to a life that that has unlimited potential. Things that were once taken for granted are cherished...and things thought essential are no longer that important. We are finally able to cash in on the independent self that we have found within ourselves.

Living again-At this point we move on, piece, whatever hand we have been dealt. Everything behind will be seen with compassion for the pain it caused and the enlightenment about ourselves that we achieved.

Just my $0.02

This is just wow...
I am still at Bargaining. So I want to say someone kick me in the A$$, but that is what I do, I need someone else to tell me it is OK, that I have to do this or that. I need to take my own a$$ and move it.
This makes me ill and think at the same time, Thank you LFW

[Lynn80]

I agree. Every time I feel a reach a new acceptance, I can get bumped back a bit and start over. I can be accepting of the reality at 9am but dying from it by noon. I think it helps to acknowledge that version of your M is over. I let go of control and responsibility and focus on me. We both have to be willing to change.

[Irish M]

hi .
I'm bumping this because its so important for the LBS to understand what we are going through. MLCr's have their journey... but so do we. We need to understand it so we can move forward on our own path.

I wish you all a good read from Page 1 on.
Hopoefully we can get someone to activate the broken links.

Irish

[bttrfly]

^^^^bumping
MWD's questions are thought-provoking and worth serious consideration, especially if we are to have a new marriage with old spouse ...

[KGuy]

Interesting thoughts for sure. I'm trying to see where I am at in this journey myself.

It seems looking back that it's been 3 seperate journey's from the first waw 15 years ago, to the 2nd 2.5 years ago to the latest 6 months ago, and yet they all seem to roll into one.

I'm in the same boat, I've had multiple situations as well and i am trying to learn from it and continue on. I must admit, i'm hopeful for my WAW to come back, but in the end its what i learn from it and how i continue that is the thing that will make me grow with or without her.

I wanted her to have to need me, while I am just now realizing she doesn't and shouldn't for her mental health. I am struggling some with that fact.

I also echoed this sentiment. In my case my WAW wanted what i thought were unreasonable things. I took her desires in, but my expected timeframe was not what her timeframe is and thus off she went presumably to seek her individual desires. I kept thinking that she'd fail or that she'd see that the move out didn't change her problems (i still think the latter on some of her stated problems) and then come back, but in the end, I decided to keep pushing my agenda forward and then perhaps we will be in the same place down the path even if its a separate path from now to then.



Either way, i see myself going in and out of these phases in no particular order.

[Terrym7]

Wow I love this!!!! Very insightful and as if you were reading my mind about the changes that are happening.

[Huddy]

bump - newbies read